My first steps to change for my first week:- 1-stop talking about the past and my sitch in the past and look to the future. 2-no presure anymore or relationship talks ever (this one I've always slipped with). 3-accept right now my wife has no intention or interest in working on our marriage and stop trying to make her change. 4-stop talking so much about me. When I get the chance to be around her be positive about her and what she's doing and listen. Really listen. 5- take things slow and do 1 thing a day that's going to make me laugh or smile. (a happy man is an attractive man)
Please do add and contribute to this list. Please keep the honesty coming I need it.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Quick update (can yous tell am a talker or as 5 love languages says am a babbling brook)
I called my wife there and said "hi, this house thing needs to get sorted and done up if it's to get sold. What if we went out Wednesday and got the tools and paint that's needed to fix the place and then Thursday I'll come round early and start sorting what needs done" She said "that's really nice of you and I appreciate the offer but am off Tuesday so I was gonna get it started then" I said "if it's your day off Tuesday why don't ya do something on your day off rather than fix the house. Something you enjoy doing. I'll get started on Thursday and I don't think it'll take long to get it fixed so make Tuesday a day for you to go enjoy yourself" She said "ok that's nice of you. I need to get some work done before I get a call at 2 so I'll call you back later" I said "look it's ok. You don't have to call back I just wanted to arrange Thursday so it's cool. I'll see ya Wednesday afternoon" She said "ok Wednesday"
I think that's a great start. Not the answer to everything but an oppertunity to show a change starting. Plant a seed so it can grow. I can't expect things to change over night. But I think this is a step in the right direction.
Her 5 love laugages (which I've always known) are:- 1-service. 2-quality time. 3-words of affirmation. That's the main 3. This oppertunity is a chance to give all 3. We both help with fixing this house to sell spending time together focusing on a project that's not the relationship but has a positive out come. Encourage and compliment her on the jobs she does. And taking time out to help her is the service.
I hope am going about this in the right way.
Tell me if am not or making a mistake. The pitfall I see with this plan in not giving her space. Should that be a real concern?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
wow...kevin..you have been sober for 19 yrs.congrats. how did you do that? think about it.you take your personal inventory. not other peoples. i know it hurts and feels like she is doing this to YOU. fact is, you dont matter right now.i wasnt able to grasp that very quickly. the other guys, the meaness, the kicking you out thing. that is all for her. she is running away from you. dont chase cuz she'll keep going. you need to think about you. selfishly take the time to better yourself. just like when you got sober. you said the dating market there isnt good for her. so why not work on being the best option out there? you already have a headstart, you are married to her. concentrate on you. be happy. do stuff for you. when you are happy it shows. people see through the fake happy. the act as if thing, didnt work with my W. she knew i was miserable and i think she liked it. it worked for me. i acted enough that i finally started becoming happy. now she is mad..lol whatever tho. anyway, i am not a great help. i do know you need to slow down and chill. why help her sell the house or get it ready? do you want to be her slave? cmon man.. LL's dont really work when she is running from ya. be you. stop chasing her. that i know 100% does not work. let her contact you. dont show up wednesday. let her call to see where you are. just tell her you got busy and lost track of time. if she wants to meet, fine. if she doesnt call, you see where she stands. its her house tight now. she fired you. why try so hard to help someone who doesnt want you right now? oh, stop using her fathers death as an excuse. it was the straw that broke the back, not the cause. think man. look deep inside you. see what she sees. see how you can be a better person. a better you. strong, confident, happy. you can do it!
Once again thank you to everyone who is offering there advice. I know no one has too so am very greatful to everyone who does add to my log.
Yea 19 years clean and sober. With that situation I was beat. Battered, couldn't do anymore then I let go. Asked for help. Found people like me and shared my experience and listened to theres.
I had to change to stay sober. Taking it a day at a time and remembering am powerless. I see the correlation.
I need guidance. Like me topic said I've done everything wrong and need help.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Not sure if you ever got the books Div Busting or Div Remedy, the 2nd one. Did you read them? That is KEY to understanding our procress here and iF it's not worth it to you to read a book that is the core of THIS site's approach,
then ask yourself what "work" you really are prepared to do to save your m.
Also I'll post the 40 "rules" for newbies to help you and last but not least, remarriage of former spouses DOES happen. I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried. They all made major changes in themselves and THEN later on , since they had kids and therefore continued contact,
they re-established their friendship and bonding of being parents...and began to date again and then remarried.
Do NOT let anger or a wounded ego OR false pride convince you that punishing her is noble OR helpful and don't let others who are angry and projecting, influence you. Remember your goal is reconciliation and the restoration of your marriage. So do what helps Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth.
That does not make you a doormat.
Here are the "rules" and good luck!
These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach, (& edited SLIGHTLY by yours truly). I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.
FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then, don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, do 180s… (so if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her to initiate), then be rather scarce or minimal with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! (No matter what time he/she comes home.) You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy YOUR life and time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life too. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are lasting.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with.
(As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Never lose your temper! (That reinforces their choice to leave). Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do NOT interrupt them when they are speaking, OR correct them, and stop what you may be working on or doing, to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. (Listening better never hurts.) 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only, NOT your spouse. The more you tell them what you are doing (or trying to show them) the more your actions will seem manipulative & insincere.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write or a single dramatic gesture. (Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns the spouse's belief in the changes).
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, & even when you truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. Very important that you get this concept. 31. When you communicate with your spouse, do not focus on yourself; instead, focus on them. If in person, make eye contact.
32. Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY DO. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared, AND OR, b/c they want to justify their leaving.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes! Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last, and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 38. Do Not convince yourself that being miserable or sad shows how much you care for your spouse. It's not attractive or appealing, period.
39. If there is OW/OM in the picture, don't focus on them. BE the better choice, which means being a spouse only a fool would leave.
40. Know that you really will be alright in the long run, that your personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. You will be happy again.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There are no children involved with our marraige (if reconciliation doesn't happen thank god there's no kids) but a real desire to at least be friends is there. Lately my wife has set boundarys with me. I don't think there natural Boundary's but I am certainly on the outside of her circle now. She has commented "there are things in my life now that I am not going to or am comfortable talking with you about". Not exactly what I enjoy hearing being pushed to the side after 7 years of no major fights or fall outs of any kind. Always interested in what the other was doing to an almost complete block now to me sharing things that she's doing. I don't think it's as straight forward as she's making out. Once again I think it's a planned tactic to keepin me at a distance so she can get over me and start her clean slate.
Thank you again 25yearsmlc for your comments. I kinda think you view me as the bad one and it's all my fault. I admit making mistakes but I endured alot but I stuck in there and wasn't going to throw the towel in on our marriage. I'll work till I can't do anymore to save my marriage. Do things that are going to be out my comfort zone. Don't worry about my commitment to do changing to myself.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I get alot from posting here so I hope yous don't mind my regular visits.
The sitch I am in right now:-
1. Other man. 2. No hope of reconciliation in my wife's eyes. 3. Love you but not in love. 4. Not living in the same house. 5. Still in contact but only concerning main issues. 6. Am now placed on the outside of her life as she pursues new friends and new circles.
With that in mind what book should I begin reading first? DB or DR. I will read both but what's the best one to start with?
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I am not taking anything for granted through and not going to make a move without consulting the members on here.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
There are no children involved with our marraige (if reconciliation doesn't happen thank god there's no kids) but a real desire to at least be friends is there. Lately my wife has set boundarys with me. I don't think there natural Boundary's but I am certainly on the outside of her circle now. She has commented "there are things in my life now that I am not going to or am comfortable talking with you about". Not exactly what I enjoy hearing being pushed to the side after 7 years of no major fights or fall outs of any kind. Always interested in what the other was doing to an almost complete block now to me sharing things that she's doing. I don't think it's as straight forward as she's making out. Once again I think it's a planned tactic to keepin me at a distance so she can get over me and start her clean slate. Thank you again 25yearsmlc for your comments. I kinda think you view me as the bad one and it's all my fault. Kevin, here's the deal. YOU are the one posting here. Not her. So it does neither of us any good to tell you that your wife is nuts and evil, b/c that means you are powerless to change what is happening.
I don't believe that. There ARE things you can do to improve the situation.
When my h went into his MLC and HAD to live north of the Arctic Circle, AGAIN, I released him. Our mc's were telling us that my h was "being selfish" and "acting single". So they felt I was "right"...that's nice. But it's useless! What do I DO with that information?
I needed to put the focus on ME and getting better. Not about my h anymore. Just ME and MY WORK b/c I had flaws too.
I mishandled a lot of things based on the concept that I was "right" and that pretending not to be mad would enable my h to continue doing what I felt was wrong. But see, MY approach failed. And I kept doing it!
I had to change ME and my approach. Took me a long time to get that. Talking about who is right in your sitch does NOT HELP YOU. She's not here reading or posting. Only you are. And only you can change you.
You are all you control.
I admit making mistakes but I endured alot but I stuck in there and wasn't going to throw the towel in on our marriage. I'll work till I can't do anymore to save my marriage. Do things that are going to be out my comfort zone. Don't worry about my commitment to do changing to myself.
Kevin.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
