So here's my story --

[afa75]

Meant to say Thx for the comment Denver.

Focused on my time with the kiddos, bath time, relax time, and then bedtime stories (with funny accents). I'm weirdly much better with not knowing what she's doing.

[2chiquitos]

Ohhh AFA DON'T DO IT!! DO NOT check up on her!

I guarantee you will feel worse after, whether or not she is going to the conference! It will hurt a lot to keep you guessing but I'm telling you from experience DO NOT TRAVEL DOWN THAT PATH!!!

1- even if you confirm there is a conference you will still wonder if she is in fact attending it.

2- if there is no conference then you will go down this ugly hole and feel like a less than zero for days, weeks, or months!!

3- keep your assumptions to yourself. you will wonder about it and may eventually find out without even looking. You'll feel terrible but hopefully by the time you find out you will be in a better place in your sitch.

Keep your head held high! Magic word is "DETACH"

[Denver_2010]

This is killing me, and yet I'm beginning to think this will be my hardest test to date.

First, you are welcome for the post.

Since you cannot confirm the conference, then I'd probably let it go for now. I need to read up on your sitch before giving you any other advice.

[afa75]

Veto- I in regards to your 2nd point, I already am feeling like a zero, a doormat, not just an lbs.

Denver, any thx.

[Denver_2010]

Just read through your thread afa. A couple of things:

Are you physically separated as of now?

If so, who left the marital home?

If not, what is the plan?

Has your W brought up a possible D?

I would proceed assuming that there is a PA with OM. If true, how would that affect what you do now and going forward?

I see some signs of controlling behavior on your part in your interactions with your W... and in your words about her here on this board.

Based upon your description of how you were towards your W in the M, I believe that you are WAY to available and accomadating to your W right now.

You've read DR. What are your 180's? What are you doing to work on you?

What is your strategy here? You seem adrift with no real plan of action afa. Things kind of just seem to be happening, with you being drug along for the ride.

In response to your last post... I know that this has you down. It is perfectly normal, IMO, to feel unsure of yourself, depressed, and taken advantage of... like a 'zero'.

This is why you need

1) a plan of action,

2) to stop being so available to your W. She is continuing to receive everything from you that she did when she was actively engaged and committed to the M. Why shouldn't she just continue to have an A and trample on your M???

3) Learn about detachment I have not read that term once in all of the posts on your thread. That is a bad sign that you have not thought about it much, let alone tried to do it.

4) GAL - Yes, it sounds a bit forced as Bond pointed out, but you need to learn to do it. And learn to actually enjoy it. At least to some small degree.

5) Figure out how to have a positive mental attitude (PMA). You sound very down, depressed, dull in your posts afa. I don't mean to beat you down more here. But the reality is that no one wants to be with a downer... someone who is no fun to be around. I'm afraid that if you are like that here, that this is the afa that your W is seeing as well.

Be a person who is fun, exciting, mysterious, funny, and that everyone wants to be around.

Do you have any idea what is appealing about OM to W? What needs is he meeting that you were failing to meet in the M? And don't tell me that there were none that you were failing to meet.

Denver

[afa75]

--Physically separated?
The first couple of months we have resided in our home together. The past week, I stayed at my parents home for half of the week, the second half of this week she left the house.
--If so, who left the marital home?
This was her idea, as "it wasn't working for her...not really separated."
--What's the plan?
I don't know we're supposed to talk tomorrow about what the plan is going to be. Based on some other threads that I've read, I'm thinking of taking the stance of I want to stay here, in our bed. If not's working for her, then she can make other arrangements (e.g. our neighbor / her bff, one of her parent's home, or even a different room in the house). I believe that is fair and a good boundary for me to set up.
--Has your W brought up a possible D?
In conversations regarding our situation, she has said she doesn't like that word, she's not ready to talk about that.
--I would proceed assuming that there is a PA with OM. If true, how would that affect what you do now and going forward?
During our initial talks, I shared with her that fidelity is a major value, the total opposite of her belief that "whatever happens, happens..and we won't talk about it (if we get back together). However, I am questioning that value. Am I willing to budge...
--I see some signs of controlling behavior on your part in your interactions with your W... and in your words about her here on this board.
Yes, I totally agree. It has been one of her complaints, and I see all clearly now. A lot of that has to do with my own attempts of making her happy by doing anything and everything I can for her....doing too much for her and not for me. My mistake.
--Based upon your description of how you were towards your W in the M, I believe that you are WAY to available and accomadating to your W right now.
You've read DR. What are your 180's? What are you doing to work on you?
I think so too. I obviously struggle with saying no to others I care for, including her. I'm working on it though. As far as 180's, the most that I can say that I have done, is not initiate contact with her, unless it's regarding the kids. as well as waiting to reply to emails or texts as opposed to the immediate response. Also, not sure if these are 180's or not, but we've talked and I no longer do her laundry as it's "awkward" for me, and I'm not going to spend my Fridays cleaning the house as thoroughly as I normally. Since last fall, I've been off on Fridays and assumed the role of "manny."
--What is your strategy here? You seem adrift with no real plan of action afa. Things kind of just seem to be happening, with you being drug along for the ride.
You hit the nail on the head. This is one of my biggest problems. I NEED to set goals and stick to them.
--In response to your last post... I know that this has you down. It is perfectly normal, IMO, to feel unsure of yourself, depressed, and taken advantage of... like a 'zero'.
Thank you for validating my feelings, not sure if it's normal or if I'm just being too insecure / needy.

Your list of my needs.
1. Going to set goals in the goalsetting forum.
2. That will be part of the goal / overall POA.
3. I've read up on it, and often say to myself "DETACH, DETACH, DETACH," Easier said than done. Tips to help?
4. Working on GAL -- part of a 180, went shopping for myself by myself (none of my friends were available). I normally wouldn't do such a thing. Also, I'm a good dad, but I'm being an even better one by being more present with my children and doing more activities together. Last night I took the 3 of them out to dinner. Another possible 180 since the W and I normally dread taking the 2 yr old out to eat. He's cute, but a handful.
5. You're not beating me down. You're pointing out the truth. I've started to exercise 5-6 times a week( dvd, weights), recently fixed my old mountain bike so I can ride at times, lots of reading (several of Michelle's books, CoD No More, Getting Back Together, and some non therapy type books). I'm forcing myself in a positive way to try and spend time with my friends. It may not ideally be an activity that I want to do, but it's better than nothing right? .
--Be a person who is fun, exciting, mysterious, funny, and that everyone wants to be around.
Oh, you mean the person I used to be. The man she fell in love with originally? Working on that.
--Do you have any idea what is appealing about OM to W? What needs is he meeting that you were failing to meet in the M? And don't tell me that there were none that you were failing to meet.
My guesses are as follows, he is the "ex-boyfriend that got away." They often tried to meet up and date as teenagers, yet it never worked out. She had mentioned him to me several times throughout our relationship, no biggie at that time. He recently moved back to our state, about 3 hours away I guess. She described him as always having been a player, still is, per her. Therefore, he is feeding her ego with lots of postive attention compliments and making her feel young (one of her self complaints about missing her early 20's because of having her D as 19 yr old, and a year after meeting me / getting married). Things that I was doing not doing, or at least in the wrong way (5 LLs).

Sorry for the delay, but your response is long, so I wanted to accurately take the time to respond as well. Thanks for all your help and support thus far.

[afa75]

Mini update. My 180 of waiting to reply works somehow.
She texted me around 11 saying "Have fun and be safe" in regards to me going out. So I waited awhile and about 45 minutes later, she sent two more texts, "or don't reply". "are you pissed or something?".
I simply replied that, "i must not have heard my phone go off as I was doing laundry". Truth. Then said thanks and wished her "safe and pod time too".

[Denver_2010]

Mini update. My 180 of waiting to reply works somehow.
She texted me around 11 saying "Have fun and be safe" in regards to me going out. So I waited awhile and about 45 minutes later, she sent two more texts, "or don't reply". "are you pissed or something?".
I simply replied that, "i must not have heard my phone go off as I was doing laundry". Truth. Then said thanks and wished her "safe and pod time too".

I have more to say on your longer, reply to me.

I just want comment on how you handled her text.

Listen man, as hard as it is, you should not be worrying how she is reacting to your choices right now. You didn't text her back, you didn't respond, she texts you again using words that cause you worry about what SHE is thinking... so you reply providing her an excuse that will make HER feel better as to why you didn't respond in the first place.

I just want to point out WHY you responded like you did.

As hard as it is, you need to realize right now that as long as she does not want to work on this M, as long as she is having an EA or PA with another man, that YOU owe her no explanations.

I'm not saying that you should not have replied to her text asking you if you were p!ssed. I'm saying that you should not have given her an explanation.

Next time, a "You have a good night as well. Talk to you soon." would have sufficed.

It might not hurt for her to think that maybe you're getting a little p!ssed off. It might not hurt for her to NOT know that you were doing laundry and that was the reason that you didn't reply to her first text. Get her wondering what is going on in your head... what you are doing that you are no longer jumping to answer her.

You're going to say, 'well denver, that may get her upset. It may push her farther away. It may be the final straw."

blah... if she is going to divorce you, it isn't because you didn't answer a text message, or because you become a little mysterious to her.

We want to start confusing her. Right now, she knows that you are there for her if she decides to come back. She KNOWS it, man. She THINKS that she has a made a decision to leave you. She THINKS that she wants to be with OM. She THINKS that she is sure that this is what she wants, for now at least.

If you become mysterious, outgoing, vague, a riddle almost... she may begin to spend more time thinking about you, what you are doing, what you are thinking, rather than those thoughts above.

If we can get her there, she may become confused about what she wants.

If you can get her confused about what she wants, that means that she will be reconsidering.

And if you can get her reconsidering, you have a chance.

And hell yes man, become the man that she fell in love with in the first place!

But you have to get her interested at the same time.

Denver

[afa75]

Denver, I might have to fly out to Colorado to buy you dinner or a drink, maybe both.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I might have to fly out to Colorado to buy you dinner or a drink, maybe both.

I'd be happy to have a beer or a steak with you afa. But you don't need to feel like that. SO many people helped me when I was where you are now. I KNOW and UNDERSTAND how you are feeling right now. Hell, how many of you are feeling right now. What you are going through will be one of the worst, if not the worst, periods of your life. But you will get through it. And if you study and work at it, you will come out of this a better person regardless of how your M turns out. I promise you that.

Anyway, I am paying it forward so to speak. I hope that you will as well someday.

A couple of things that helped me through this that I'd suggest you begin doing:

1) Read Divorce Remedy if you haven't already.

2) Read the 5 love languages.

3) Go back and read threads from the vets/older posters, who have been through this. I'd suggest truegritter and Jackthreebeans. Those were the two that helped me the most.

4) Make a plan. Set your goals and then work to achieve them. Begin small. As a wise man once said to me "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

5) Be patient and deliberate. In other words, know that this isn't going to be fixed over night. Do not rush anything that you say or do. Deliberate. Think. Give yourself time to make decisions and to formulate words that you will speak to your W.

6) Work at trying to find some peace and some happiness in your life RIGHT NOW. Even if it is only for a few moments at a time.

Denver