Gal, you have really been helping me a lot lately! I copied several different summaries of distancer/pursuer cycles from the Internet and read them all last night and this morning. Its so eye-opening for me! I will be forever grateful to you for suggesting that.
This afternoon I was sitting on a little stool washing bugs off the front of the Mustang and I was thinking. Really thinking hard about my sitch. About how I used to really be a different person before I got wrapped up in all this grief! A person I have forgotten almost and I determined I want to be that person again!
Back to you. How sad about your kids and H. How very painful for you. For them. How was he before with them? Was he involved much or did you always do all the work of raising them?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
GGGrrrrr. Journaling. I'm sure H tried to pick a fight today. He's been working long hours again. Not only was he super grumpy, but I'm sure he gets mad at me because I don't pander to him. He snapped at me about the smallest things today, but I did not react. I'm not going to feed that monster. Just kept a happy disposition and kept doing my thing. I'm so pleased with myself. For the first time in ages he was going to leave for work without even a goodbye. I caught him and said "goodbye, have a nice day/night". He angrily mumbled under his breath "goodbye".
Actually, it made my day because I felt his venom all morning..and it gave me a little perverse pleasure not to have reacted to his pain. Must be awful being an MLC'er who cannot reach inside himself to figure out his issues. At least I know I'm becoming a better person out of this. He is just becoming a bitter person.
Maybe things will come to a head over the next few days. I sense an eruption.
Hey RH..I just noticed your post..I must have been typing mine while you posted yours. Glad I could help, but I can't really take the credit, I've seen others here post about distancer/pursuer before.
H had a great relationship with them when they were younger. Taking them bike riding, fishing, surfing, lots of time together. Since they turned 18 his attitude is they are not my responsibility any more, but I never new that meant I am not going to have a R with them anymore. They are annoyed at him and can't understand his behaviour. He is acting like I would expect them to act at 18 and 19. They are the sensible ones and he is acting out. Shake my head.
H never had a good R with his own father. They have been estranged for years. I see a lot of him in his father now. I am sure his father went through MLC years ago too, but I didn't understand it then. I see lots of similarities. It could run in families.
I've wondered the same thing about the "run in families" thing. My H's father certainly had similar feelings at the same age but stayed bitter and stayed with MIL. That's part of H's motivating factor is that he didn't want to become like his father. No matter how many times I said I am not like his mother!
It's so sad about your H's R with your kids. Really, as they are older, seems like the time to really start to enjoy all your hard work. You have three? All at home?
He sounds really unhappy. I'm sure it's mostly about himself. I'm so proud of you for taking the high road and not letting his grumpiness drag you down. That's a really hard thing to do.
I wonder what the next few days will hold for you. Is H off weekends?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Yes three at home, it can be tough, S25 definitely shouldn't be here, and he causes me lots of problems. The other two are at uni so they won't be leaving home any time soon. They are great kids.
I can relate to what you said about your H's father. My H said the same thing at BD..."I don't want to end up like my mother and father". His father is a bitter old man, but stayed loyal to H's mother even though she had two affairs during their marriage. His parents live apart but see each other every day for lunch and/or movies. He still supports her financially and in every other way. They go on vacation together every year. Strange, but it seems to work for them. They would have killed each other if they still lived in the same house. I don't want that sort of relationship with my H....but I am nothing like his mother either. She was and still is spoilt and controlling...she never worked a day in her life (well paid work) and was given everything by her H.
What are your feelings now about the cruise coming up? Or is it too far away to tell?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I'm looking forward to the cruise, I'm glad its still a way off so I can keep working on my sitch if all goes well hopefully we will be in a good place by then. We will certainly need a holiday and some fun times. We are going with other couples too.
Its fathers day here so H suggested a movie. We asked S18 also and ended up having a nice time together. So that is a slight improvement on my post above. Just been shopping AGAIN!! more clothes for H. OMG. I am not working now and he just doesn't get that we have to go back to budgeting. I'm cutting back but its all about him.
I appreciate the nice day but the roller coaster ride continues to take me by surprise. Yesterday, I was being scorned by H. Today, he's been OK. Maybe he thought about things and realised he was being an a$$, but most likely not. Haha.
I know it's hard, but don't let Mr. Grumpy pants get you down! He can be drowning in his own misery, just don't let him try to drag you down with him.
More clothes???? Maybe he's thinking about becoming a male model...
Glad Father's Day went well. I know it's tough to see your H being less than a model father. Our hurt is one thing, our kids quite another! Give it some time. Seems like your H is still in the party version of replay. The party can't last forever though...
He may or may not feel bad about how he treated you. I noticed with my H that often times he would be nicer after treating me like crap, without a specific apology per se. Who knows what goes on in the E. T. brain!
Stay strong Gal!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
The rollercoaster is tough isn't it? But glad it was currently on an up hill swing.
Does he take you shopping for the clothes? And ask your opinion, etc.? Or is it all his thing?
That's so hard he is ignoring your financial situation. I'm sure you are worried about it.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey TVS, hope you are doing OK. Have stayed off your new thread so the vets can chime in, but it doesn't mean you aren't often in my thoughts.
Apology!!!! what's that? I know not to expect one of those, if I can get a civil attitude from H I take that as a positive.
RH, my H has always valued my opinion on his clothes so he has always taken me clothes shopping with him. I do enjoy it because I know lots of husbands who detest clothes shopping. Its another way we can connect and have fun.
The budget is a sore point for me. H has always left me to manage the money, and I do it very well. H has never been a big spender in the past, but it was something he angrily brought up at BD. "The kids have always had what they needed, i'm earning all (not) the money.. now its my turn, I'm sick of being told how to spend my money". Typical MLC thing. So I released the reigns as a 180 so he can let loose a bit with the money. He has not really done damage as such, just making sure he is looking after himself. I will just have to let it go for now, but if it continues to be a problem I will have to address it down the track, using the best communication methods I can.
