Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Sounds like your H is grasping at straws a little bit regarding your differences. I know mine would do almost the same thing - it's like he has to come up with an excuse (no matter how silly) to "prove" that you don't belong together. Does your H know how to argue constructively? Mine is conflict avoidant because somewhere deep inside he thinks that disagreement = rejection. There is no such thing as "agree to disagree" in our house. I feel that my H does not respect our differences; he rejects our differences. Is that what yours is doing too?

No, he cannot argue constructively. All disagreements get swept under the rug and never deallt with becuase every disagreement goes from 0 to 60 pretty quick and then we are yelling. He is coming up with things, such as when I cook food "on purpose" that I know he won't like (according to him). As busy as I am, does he really think I have that much time to try to piss him off?

I've long thought H has ADD or ADHD. He loses interest in things and moves on. And I also think he likes to cut and run when it gets difficult.

[hopefulinga]

Last night was very nice and very out of the ordinary. I am not overthinking this one and just very happy that it happened.

H was pretty late getting home for dinner and didn't let me know he would be late. I prepared filet mignon, kale chips and pierogies with pesto sauce, which is pretty much his favorite meal. I didn't say anything. He actually sat down and waited for me to serve him instead of getting it himself. Again, I just bit my lip and made small talk with him. I felt pretty disrespected.

After dinner, H was listening to Genesis on youtube. He told me about how much he liked some of the versions of the songs. I got up to get something and kissed him on the head when I walked by and he did not pull away.

When we went to bed, he held my hand for a few moments. I got up and went to his side of the bed (a Rottweiler and a Doberman Pinscher are in the middle). Usually he would push me away and tell me to let him sleep. He did not. He let me fall asleep next to him. At some point I woke up and he had his arm around me. I had to get up in the middle of the night to get my mouthguard and he rolled over to where I had been laying. I got on the other side and curled up next to him again, and again he did not push me away.

I honestly cannot remember the last time that we slept next to each other like that. It's probably been over 15 years. I've been longing for him to hold me close to him in his arms.

I don't know if I should say something to him or just let it ride and see what happens. I don't want to call too much attention to it but also would like him to know how much I enjoy being in his arms.

[timbits]

i would just let it ride and see what happens. i wouldn't initiate an r-talk, as it might cause him to pull back. just enjoy it and pretend like it is natural and normal. he knows that you enjoy it, just as he knows how painful it is when he rejects you.

great evening, though! i'd cuddle with you if you cooked me that dinner, too! lol!

[mamabird]

Hooray!!! The ice is melting a little bit. What do you think happened that allowed the change? Or maybe he just realizes how much he misses you. Obviously he enjoyed being close to you too. Good for you!

[hopefulinga]

I think maybe the whole deal with his friend might be part of it. He let me lay next to him in the middle of the night. I tried to cuddle but he said it was too hot, which it was.

Last night and this am have had a little different tone. Yesterday he went to watch a video of the crash before he came home, which I know upset him. I made fish for dinner. I do not eat fish. I called him yesterday am and told him the butcher shop had some fresh fish, did he want some. He said yes.

When I went to cook it, I noitced it had 3 bones in it. I could only get 1 out without mutilating the fish. I really don't know how to do it. I forgot to tell him. As he was cutting the fish apart, he said is a very nasty tone "I can't deal with this." I told him there were 2 bones in it that I couldn't get out and he said, well then you shouldn't have cooked it. I said that if I had known, I would have asked the butcher to get them out or I wouldn't have bought the fish. He did admit it had a good flavor. Then apparently a small portion was undercooked. Needless to say, I was pretty much in tears at dinner. After he finished eating, he and D got up and left me there to finish by myself. He did not thank me for trying.

I'm trying to chalk this up to he was already upset before he got home. He knows I went out of my way to cook that for him.

This am I asked him if he had a lot of work to do today, as I know he is working for part of the day. He told me yes and he was having a lady that he knows from way back set phones for him at one of his jobs. I asked him why he didn't ask me and he said that she asked him if he had any jobs he could pay her for (another mooch who thinks we're loaded). I told him that I could use some money, too, and left it at that.

I asked him if he was going to breakfast with her as he turned down my offer. He said no. A few minutes later I asked him if he would be working all day, as I honestly didn't know, and he told me he would. I told him that I also needed to work and that I couldn't bring D16 with me because she complains after an hour.

With that, he turned around with a raised voice and critical look on his face and said, I know you don't like so and so, and then lit into me about how dare I dump this on him at the last minute like I always do and how busy he is. The job is opening on Friday and he is going on a trip with his friends on Thursday, so he is under a time crunch, blah, blah, blah. I was completely unaware of any of this. My crystal ball must have malfunctioned.

I told him that he was right, I don't like her. She is a waitress at a restaurant we both go to and she is never friendly to me, which I told him. I say hi to her and she never responds to me. I'm sure he will tell her this am. He also used to ask me to help him on jobs, which he doesn't much any more. I used to work for the phone system manufacturer. Do I want to know why he asks the charity cases and doesn't even think of me anymore? Yes, I do.

I also told him I had no idea that is what was going on at the job, thanked him for letting me know, told him I wasn't trying to dump anything on him but trying to arrange my schedule as well. And that I need to work, but don't have to so I will not worry about it today.

I did not raise my voice and listened to him without interrupting.

Of course, he left still crappy. The "dumping D on him at the last minute" is a continuing theme, although I haven't heard it in a while. My business suffering for his business and recreational activites is also a recurring theme.

I would not say this to his face at this point, but if he wants a D, then he's going to have to realize that I need to work and make money to support myself. I could make a whole lot more money if the duties with D16 were split.

I will probably pull back for the day, and not worry about trying to cuddle with him tonight. And I will try to ignore him tonight when he is home.

[hopefulinga]

I'm still mad. H was away last weekend, working this weekend, away next weekend and away the 28th and 29th. I feel like I get taken for granted that I am here to take care of D16 while he does whatever he wants. Which triggers me to get angry and lash out at H with stupid stuff. I am trying not to do that today.

I took D16 to the farmers market with me yesterday and all she did was whine the whole time. This makes it hard for me to GAL and not worry about what H is doing. I can leave her alone for a short period of time but am not comfortable when she is asleep or for a long period of time.

[mamabird]

OK. First off, use a tweezer to get that bone out of the fish. Now onto more important stuff....

Sounds like you guys just got into it at an unfortunate time. You weren't trying to pick a fight but he wasn't in a good mood so things went downhill fast. Maybe you can try to work out schedules during dinner or at sometime when he IS in a good mood? If it's possible, cut off the conversation if it starts to go south like that.

You may need to do a little more GAL here. If you can find a good time to discuss schedules, I would do that - and maybe try to set the schedule for the week regarding D ahead of time so it's not an issue. I know it's hard because you are already so busy and he doesn't like it, yet he takes advantage and dumps on you when you are around. Standing up to him firmly but gently on this might work... what do you think? Get a white board or something so everyone knows what's going on.

By the way, on the cuddling front, my H usually rejects me the day after we ML. Things can be fine BEFORE we ML - he lets me touch him and rub his back, whatever, but the next day he recoils. So I guess it's par for the course, even though it stinks.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, LA. I spoke my peace and let it go and that was the end of the conversation. He's still being a jerk. I sent him a text to see if he changed the network because I couldn't get my laptop to connect and I got a no response with an exclamation mark at the end.

It's funny he says I dump things on him. He never let me know that he had to work this weekend. In fact, we were supposed to do a BBQ. However, he obviously told the friend that worked with him yesterday. So part of the problem is that he doesn't communicate to me when he has to work. I honestly don't think he's ever told me that he had to work all weekend and this am is the first time he told me about the time crunch on the job.

I need to get him to open up to me a little bit more about what is going on so that we can work out schedules. Depending on the day, dinner is also not a good time. I think I get afraid to try to work on the difficult issues because I get met with a raised voice. He's also never told me about the BBQ competition he is going to on the 28th and 29th. I only know because it is on the back of a t-shirt. He makes plans and does not tell me until the last minute or if I happen to overhear him talking to someone else.

H used to pick up D16 every other Wednesday when I get a massage. He stopped and told me it is my responsibility to get her at the end of the day. If I wanted him to watch her during that time, I had to get the massage on the weekend.

I guess this is going to be one of those days that makes me question if trying to DB is worth it. I know it is to improve myself.

[hopefulinga]

I'm going to get out of the house to try to get myself out of this funk. I've got to get groceries, so there's my excuse.

[hopefulinga]

I feel a little better now. I am trying to be patient and understand that H is under a lot of stress, even if it is self created. I am under stress as well, and I am trying to handle it and not blow up, which would be my pattern. There are so many nasty things that I could have said and wanted to say, but I excercised self control and did not. I think I need to buy a punching bag!

Tonight I plan on not spending much time around H. I've got some grading that I can do to keep me busy and I can always read.