I want to take you on a little ride back through time... wink

Your first post here:

Originally Posted By: Mrs D
To cut it short, I had an affiar 3 years ago. Went to counceling, quit because I didnt care for the therapist - didnt start again. None of the problems that apparently were there before the affair were resolved. H tried with every bit of his heart to make it work - I did not. In the meantime I become friends with my trainer - texted all the time about nothing. Truth is, I did find him attractive, thought maybe things could be more with him - but it never happened. We have only been friends. Husband was very intimidated by him – which I would have felt the same if I had found H texting someone.
I moved out last November. Actually, EXH packed the truck and moved me. I didn’t try to stop the move. He filed for divorce later – I asked him, pleaded with him not to file. He asked to give him one good reason – the only thing I came up with was “You would be wasting money because we would only get married again”. I am not good with communication. I should have said “Because we love each other and we can work on our problems”. But I didn’t. Fast forward to the day we sign the papers. I cried through the whole process. I didn’t want this divorce – but knowing he paid whatever he paid (and he is really tight with his money), I felt I had to. So I signed the papers. We were still very much together up to the day of our divorce. I didn’t go to the courtroom. I asked him, pleaded again not to go through with it. He did.
Course, the whole time Im still texting my trainer. I know I shouldn’t have had this relationship with my trainer. My H asked me time and again to stop. I would for a bit, then start again. This is why he didn’t stop the divorce.


OK, there's a few things I italicized and bolded.

Here is why... I want you to take a good look at the profile of a WAS. You WERE a WAS.

That said, you are a WAS "in recovery, now.

So why am I putting the WAS profile in the light?

Because, a WAS is ALL ABOUT N/C. Sometimes this is referred to as "hiding" (by the LBS) and as "having my own life" (by the WAS; sometimes also referred to by "ILYBINILWY"). When they come out of N/C, it is often because they need their sitch to "adjust" according to what they (the WAS) wants it to look like.

Your H gave you "one last chance" to change your mind, and in the vernacular of a WAS, your best answer was that you wanted to believe in a future that... well... according to your H, was not likely. You explain it as not having good communication skills, which is possible. Although just as mentioned, you were unsure of what the future held, so you just as likely wanted to try to keep the door open to "plan B".

I'm not judging you. I am pointing specifically to what does appear to go through the mind of a WAS. As mentioned, you are a recovering WAS now.

I am suggesting that, the roles here are NOT reversed. You are NOT the LBS and your X is NOT the WAS. So following the general advice given for a LBS, such as N/C... well... it is "more of the same".

I understand that it sounds like I'm harping on N/C and that you SHOULD NOT be N/C. And... I am...

I DO understand that YOU UNDERSTAND what N/C "is for".

What I'm pointing at more specifically is... you need to change the WAS pattern. You need to be more transparent and more connected... with your X.

I have to assert that what you are doing now, appears to be working. Your X IS appearing to react well to your availability and openness. Exactly what he would need to see from you, in order for him to believe that life with you NOW... would be different than life with you over the past three years.

I want to change the language by taking the focus specifically off the term "N/C" and making it more about... detaching yourself emotionally from the (so called) emotional roller coaster.

Detaching does not require N/C.

Perhaps you can view it more in the lines of...

Taking time for yourself to reflect and think, without hiding behind a veil of "not his business".

Just some thoughts I wanted to put out to you, on this subject.

So again to stress... stop the pattern... get engaged with your X, in a quasi detached way.