Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Arsene]

I am being hard on myself but when I look our freshman class, I get discouraged with myself at times. I know it’s not a contest however I feel others are getting A’s and B’s while I am getting C’s or D’s. I need to stop beating myself up!!!

Hey Rough, you may not get As and Bs but where I stand now, A means "Affair" and B means "Bullsh@t". I wouldn't mind a bit of C "Calm" and D "Detachment".

IMO, you should only have contact with your W when:

1) it is about the kids - does not matter who initiates as long it is legitimately about an issue with the children that needs immediate attention.

2) she initiates. In this case, when she initiates contact, I would tell you to treat her with kindness and respect at all times. Do not spend a lot of time talking. Spend a lot of time doing active listening. This is something that we males are not generally good at. When I first learning to do it, and my W started communicating with me again, I found out that my W actually has a lot to say that I either ignored, or didn't hear. Because I was not actively listening to her.

Women like to talk about their lives, their problems, the b!tchy woman at work, whatever... Contrary to what we males believe, they are not telling us all of this stuff because they want us to fix it. They are telling us because it is their way of processing the information. We, men, need to learn to listen. I have found that it works wonders. I will add that I certainly have not perfected it. It is something that I remind myself of daily. Every single day, I take the time to go out to our back porch and just listen to my W tell me about her day. I don't talk much. I give her short comments in response so that she knows that I am listening. I do the same when we are lying in bed. And yes, sometimes I find myself just wanting to watch my television show, or read my book. But that is a big part of what landed me here on this board in the first place. So it is something that I try to remain very vigilant of.

So... when she initiates contact, when she wants to communicate with you... You actively listen, and validate how she feels about any given subject. Then, you listen and validate some more. Listen until your ears bleed. And validate almost everything that she says. If she tells you that the moon is made of chocolate, you agree and validate her opinion.

So I'm not sure that YOU should be focusing on keeping communication to a minimum. You should focus on giving her space which equals you not initiating contact. But when she does initiate, and I believe that she will eventually, let her know that you are someone that she can talk to... someone who will listen to her... that you are her friend, first and foremost.

All of this ^^^ changes if there is OM though.

Hi Denver,

Don't mean to highjack Rough's thread but it might be helpful anyway. How does it change in the case of OM and why?