W came by last night to pick up D2. She stayed for a while and we chatted a bit about practical matters. Things went fine other than when our M came up. She said it made her feel inadequate that she tried for so long to get my attention and get me to work on our M, and I never took her serious until she wanted a D.
She said it made her question if she's honoring her vows. She said that because I wasn't honoring mine by cherishing and loving her the way she needed and neglecting the family unit, she could no longer honor hers. I know this is a way for her to erase the guilt that she feels and place the blame on me. I told her there is a reason she won't talk to a pastor or anyone else about it, that she is breaking her vows, that we should forgive a million times over if we have to in order to preserve our M.
I didn't want to get into a conversation about our M, or defend myself. However, there I was, trying to explain that I am aware that I've failed at many things in our M and I wanted the chance to correct my behavior. Of course it fell on deaf ears.
We are still planning on getting together today to go shopping. I am angry that she's trying to say that I walked away first by disconnecting from her. I did, I can't take any of that back. She said I'd be asking her to forget all of that time that she tried and try again, and she doesn't have the desire to try any longer. I said neither of us will ever forget it, I'm asking you to forgive me for it. She asked why is she always the one who has to forgive? I left that one alone.
It's hard, because she has obviously put some thought into the sanctity of M and our vows. I know she wants out, that's clear. I mentioned somewhere at the beginning of this post that a conflict would be coming within her as a Christian. I can see that she's going through that. I'm hurt and disappointed that she won't turn to our pastor or an elder to discuss this conflict. I know that she would be afraid to hear what they say would be contrary to what she has justified in her mind.
I am ever so convinced the D will run it's course and she will feel free. She also broke down and told me that she absolutely adored me for so long. It hurts unbelievably to know that if I had acted less selfishly and put the needs of my W and family before my own, I probably wouldn't be here. It [censored] to want to make those changes sincerely and have the person who loved you unconditionally for so long not have the love left to see if change will happen.
