So it's been a pretty crazy 48 hours. He and I talked all about filling. I'm very happy that things are going the way they are. Without going into too much about my sitch I think he'll be happier. It was funny because he talked about how his GF was feeling about everything and it made me giggle inside. She's expressing some doubts about him not standing on his own, etc. I remember having those doubts when we met and I put him through a few hoops and then decided that I could trust him but those doubts would come back because I had fear and control issues. I think emotionally she's the way I was when I met him and that's why he attracted her because co-dependants find each other.

He said sometimes I come over here I just feel like sh*t I told him i never wanted him to feel that way that I was looking out for him and wanted the best.

He told me that at the time of BD he was "saying anything to get you to stop freaking out" So I don't know why I ever thought about any of that. He said it surprised him because he thought I was a lot further along and not as "on pause" as I was. He'd been off living his life. So although I don't think my growth was a waste of time I think any delusions of him coming back or wanting to come back as Cheryl said weren't true.

So last night I found myself backstage at a music event because a girl I've only met a few times invited me along. So new Brit said heck yeah why not. I really liked one of the artists, had never heard of a few, and liked a song from the other. I ended up watching it from the press pit in front of the barriers. It was amazing. The last act was a younger act and all these young girls were screaming and screaming and one of the guys jumped off stage to touch the girls hands and danced with me a bit. Part of me thought you are way too old to enjoy this music but I had so much fun!

Anyway a series of Adventure in Babysitting you can't make this sh*t up events, I found myself stranded with no way to get home and 4% on my phone battery at midnight. I called two friends and one was drinking and the other went straight to voicemail. Because of where I live a taxi to the country would have been in the excess of �100. So I called H. I explained, apologised, and he said of course don't worry. It was an hour each way for him.

Then I worried that GF might be like hell no. And I was feeling really vulnerable hadn't had dinner etc. So when he shows up I just burst into tears. And he hugged me. And I hated that he smelled like cologne (that I'd bought him), so he'd obviously been out that night. And I said I'm so so sorry. I feel horrible that I had to called you and you were probably in bed. He said you're forgetting who you're talking to, she'd gone to bed and I was up on my own watching a film (this was a big issue in our relationship, him staying up late not going to bed with me, our s*x life suffered, he hated being told when to go to bed...interesting to note it didn't start in our R until over two years in. before that we loved laying in bed and watching tv together at night)

I told him that it was just a weird moment because I realised I didn't have anyone in this country that I knew without a doubt I could call at a moment's notice in an emergency. And he said of course you do you have me.

We stopped at a corner store so I could food and he was texting furiously. I raised my eyebrow and he said "boy is there a sh*tstorm abrewing for me back in (xx town)" and I felt mortified I was like I am so so sorry.

We got in the car and he mentions again that she's upset and I was like "look I hope you know I never want to cause trouble there. I wouldn't have called you..." and he put his hand on my leg and squeezed it and said "I know. she's a grown up. She'll get over it and if not tough. This is you and me here. This whole thing...this moving to England. We're in this together. We always have been" I had no idea what that meant. So I shut up and ate my food.

I know if I were his GF how I would feel in that situation, how I would react and it ain't good. And it's why I hated calling him. And it's even more why I felt like crap. Also because I'd been so proud of myself a few mins before thinking I'd pushed my boundaries done new things and then like a silly teenager couldn't even get myself home that night.

So I'm not really proud of myself in how I acted last night. But I know if the sitch was reversed I would be there for any of my friends and H is like family to me. His mum is still like family to me. She'd babysat the dog while I was working away for a few weeks.

I am detached. I just felt so needy and vulnerable last night. I am fine with filing for D, I am fine with being D. I am fine with both of us being in other relationships. I feel like we're friendlier to each other now than when we were together.

And now I'm off to spend a day at the beach with Mr Strawberry. Even though I don't think anything is happening there anymore. But that might be my..flight response so I'm just trying to be fun and have no plans or expectations.