hi vero - i was catching up on your sitch and this really stuck out for me:
I'm getting the feeling as if he is just holding back his plans because he's afraid of the consequences.
how do you think that this helps your sitch and helps improving your relationship with your h?
to hold something over him that you know causes him fear - that's a pretty big thing to hold over someone.
how do you think that he views you when you hold that over him?
i think i am bringing this up, because just last friday, when my h and i talked he admitted that he was really fearful that i would move (he indicated clearly that the way he saw it, if i moved, s would move with me and he would be away from his s)
i saw how incredibly hurtful and vulnerable that made him feel, and i said to him - h i would never do that to us - you never have to fear that from me.
then he told me that he had decided that if i ever moved that he would find a job and come move to the same place so that he would never be away from s. (he has an incredible job- his dream job here, which would be very hard to equal)
i was shocked. and i confessed to him that i had a deep fear that if i ever tried to move, he would fight me and take s away from me, and that i felt that he held me here because of that. he was shocked!!
so vero - think about what you really fear here. we can't use our children as leverage in this situation.
yes, it's true you don't have to have him there in the mornings if you don't want. that''s not the point i'm trying to make. it's more about how we hold things over each other. and if you know that this is a fear for him, and if you still hold on to it without reassuring him that he doesn't need to feel there are consequences, then he can relax and you both can come to an agreement about how things will work.
after i reassured h and validated his fear - i swear there has been a world of difference in our conversations about s
so you might want to explore this further for yourself and find out why you feel you have to take this stand.
in our sitches - one of the most important things we have to validate for our spouses is their really important role as parent to the children. that has been something that i have noticed time and again in many of the threads where reconciliation took place and how the WAS told the lbs how important that validation was for them during the separation
when you basically tell your h that if he continues to stay gone he has less access to the kids- you are telling him that you don't think his role as parent is important enough to keep intact and nurture above all else
hope i haven't been too harsh about what i said - but there is something here you need to explore for yourself about why you feel this way
as for fearing being lovable - how about a little visit over to the goals thread and we can work on developing self esteem and self love
you are more than lovable - and you need to start feeling that and knowing it - like yesterday!! we only feel that when we don't love ourselves enough. first we have to love ourselves deeply before we can expect anyone else to love us, right?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You're right. I am thinking about what you said as far as making sure he is not afraid. It's not that I don't want him to see the kids often, it's that I don't want to see him often if he's not coming back. I would want to make the exchanges more formal. No morning breakfast. I'm not angry. I think I've passed that phase (although I do come back to it seldomly). So it's not as a form of revenge. I see it as a way to help me move on and heal. UGH! I hate this! I think I need to think more about what you wrote. Gimme a couple days.
And you're right, I am lovable but it's those ugly moments when i feel this way. Hate that too :P
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I figured it out. I'm afraid of being unlovable. That's my underlying fear.
There are so many parts of my life not just my M where this played a part. it's why we try to control I think or don't open up. Now to build up all those things you love about yourself so that you can look in the mirror and say of course I'm lovable!
It was Hs bday today. He came over as he always does in the morning. I put a candle on a muffin and the kids and I sang happy bday. Gave him a bday hug. Sent him a text to wish him luck at work cuz he had a big project to present. text him he's the best dad we know.
his mom sent him flowers and put our names on it (along with her of course). he called me to thank me knowing it was his moms idea.
then we went to dinner. and he left early.
that's a nice day, right? then why the heck do I feel crummy??
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
it's hard vero - on special days - i felt the same after celebrating h's birthday last month at his parents house.
you did great - you really did.
and try to see how it was so nice that you had nice things with him today when it could have been nc or not so nice.
i think it's the energy in the air today - i had such a difficult day myself - and so many other here. i keep telling myself tomorrow is going to be so much better
so come visit us on the blanket and have a shot and we'll try to forget how crummy we feel, eh
big hug ((((( ))))))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
gotta share today. I was feeling really down and H asked me, what's wrong? is it me? did I do something?
me: no, no, it's me.
he continued to insist and I blamed it on the heat.
Later I text him, I'm sorry. I'm trying not to project my frustrations (something I used to do a lot) by being quiet. Sometimes I don't even know why I feel this way. I'm learning that before I would blame others when it had nothing to do with anyone. thank you for being you.
H: sometimes I worry that your holding frustrations against me. that's why I ask.
me: don't worry about that. I really am trying to focus on myself and the kids. I'm sorry that I deliberately did and said things to hurt you. I just want to move on.
H: I understand. and believe me when I say that I don't care about you saying anything to hurt me. I just saw u little down this morning and I just wanted to know.
How did I do?? I was sad about this too. I think I'm seriously accepting my sitch now.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I think this is just part of me letting go. I've come to realize that I am powerless over him and our R. I've done everything I could do to work at it but there has been little to no change.
I want to include this. Only because it's in the back of my mind. I haven't acted on it nor mentioned anything to H about it...
He text me at 12:45am last friday. He was helping a friend DJ
H: I love i. H. u H. my children H. don't ever forget that.
I just left it at that. Leaving it all in God's hands. Your will, your way.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
