It's been a couple of weeks and the eligible filing date has came and went, and as foreceasted I feel exactly the same with the exception of probably being more angry. I sent a notarized simple asking for nothing divorce petition to my W on Monday with the following note. As you can see in my communications I got increasingly flustered, using nothing that I have learned on here whatsoever, continually prodding her to own up to her actions as I have mine. Anyone who runs across can use this as a case study in what NOT to do, in my case I am done and over it so it really doesn't matter, with the exception of my anger continuing to get the best of me and not getting my desire for her to finally take ownership of her ridiculous behavior. Given that I no longer want to reconcile M, my problem is that I continue to want her to give her "confession". I post this with the caveat in already knowing I have fully screwed up again, 2x4 as you wish, I already know my works here fly in the face of more or less all advice I have been given. In my defense no one has walked the same path I have, this has been made for lifetime movie level ridiculous. Find your spouse hiding a match.com account charge while throttling thousands to your credit and put you in jail and see if you're not angry. I am doing great otherwise aside from some new work stress and am very much looking to receive the papers she is supposedly signing and putting this chapter of my life behind me.
------------------------------------------------------------- From Me
W,
I know that you ended up unhappy in our marriage and that you have been trying to figure out what you want in life. As hurtful as it have been for me, I have tried to support you with this. Regardless of my actions and acts of unconditional love toward you and the kids (3 all hers) it is obvious that you have chosen a path without me in it. Above all else, I want you to be happy.
To that end here is cut and dried divorce petition, signed by me and notarized. Based on the ongoing financial wreckage that I have fully been burdened with as a result of our marriage, I see no reason for me to also take on the financial burden of legal fees associated with this action.
This is not something that I wanted and I have always been clear on that, obviously it is something that you do want so attached is the key to your desires. If you don't want to act on this please put an alternative document forward to me and let me know when I can expect it. I will sign and return the day I receive it.
I am truly sorry that I failed you as your husband. I did everything in my power to make things right but you wouldn't give me a chance. I hope whatever man you choose to be with is always there for you and the kids, God knows I was and would have been.
----------------------------------------------------------- She calls X 2
From Me:
Hi,
I see I have missed two calls from you. Nothing personal but given the things that have happened over the past year I am not comfortable calling you nor speaking with you via phone given things you have said and done in the past.
Do you have issues with the standard divorce petition I have put forward? If so what are they I am asking nothing of you in this matter except your signature and filing with the court.
If you don't like the petition I put forward I am happy to sign one that you put forward, as long as it asks nothing more of me, same day. If your issue with is not signing is because it's not drafted by attorney I ask you to review the following credit card statement as related to the separation date that you put forward last year, to see if you think it is fair for me to also take on this expense. The charges made after 8/27/11 alone on this statement would more than cover attorney fees if that is the route you prefer.
I am trying to give you what have wanted for the past year and as previously discussed trying to make it as easy as possible.
Please advise what the problem is with the petition I put forward or let me know how you would otherwise like to proceed.
Just a friendly reminder that we discussed credit card debt versus my half of marital 401k investments and you know just as well as I do that the two broke right at even. So please stop making remarks about the credit card debt, etc.
I’m not in a rush to process this paperwork because I simply don’t have time to search for the template that I desire to be in place.
Present me with a form that also includes the marital separation agreement as being incorporated and merged into the divorce decree and I will gladly sign and file with the court.
Also, do we have to fill out financial statements in NC? I believe the filling process includes more paperwork than just a notarized form…? --------------------------------------------------------------
From Me:
This is the response I expected, your thinking is extremely clouded. If you don't see anything fundamentally wrong with the charges you continued to put on MY credit AFTER your backdated defined date of separation AFTER you started talking to another man, as with the rest of the last year I am wasting my breath and effort. The charges on and after 8/27 were on MY dime, not OURS while you were match.com'ing your affair partner. Anything you charged on or after 8/27 was NOT MARITAL DEBT. Perhaps that is morally feasible on some planet but not this one. I will have my attorney serve you at your home as soon as possible, with effectively the same petition and whatever else needs to be done, asking nothing of you in the petition. The cost of this in total is going to be $600. Are you willing to split this expense? If I do this will you keep your word and return the wedding and engagement rings to me? -------------------------------------------------------------
From W:
$600 for what? Attorney fees? Why would I pay your attorney fees when obviously I’ll be paying for my own. Are you going to use a petition form that includes the separation agreement in the divorce? If so, I see no need for attorneys as it would be uncontested. Or are you saying the filing expense is $600?? --------------------------------------------------------------
From Me:
Yes it is uncontested, as I said I am asking nothing of you in the paperwork. I deserve the rings back as per our previous discussion, that will not be in any paperwork.
The only thing I have talked about with my attorney in this is pricing because I wanted to avoid the expense. If you are already paying an attorney just get it done and I will sign same day.
The paperwork fee for my attorney would be $365 and the filing fee would be $245. The filing fee is going to have be paid by someone either way.
How about you look at things this way for a moment, here is an easy way to comprehend my prior point.
1) Look on your BB&T or other account to determine when the match.com account was opened. 2) Compare the charges to your accounts versus the charges you made to the joint accounts that although you were "on the account" I was 100% responsible for on and after the match.com date. 3) Provide any reasonable/moral explanation as to why there were any further charges to accounts I am responsible for after you opened your match.com account. Do you think you would have remained on any accounts I was the owner of after your match.com account was opened, there are obvious reasons why that's the only charge you seemingly chose to hide.
If you had charged the match.com to the same one you charged the medical expenses (which you were "putting money to the side" to cover as you recall), bridesmaids dresses and other items, you obviously would not have had access to those accounts to charge those items.
I will pay the paperwork fee for my attorney to do the paperwork if you will pay the filing fee and give the rings back as we discussed.
Or you can have your attorney do it and I will pay the filing fee it doesn't matter, I just want this over with as soon as humanly possible.
So in short, if you agree: 1) To pay the filing fee 2) To give me the rings back since I am doing the legwork to push this through amicably
Why can’t we find a template that works for both of us and avoid the attorney fees?
From Me
See below/what was originally attached that's what I was trying to do. In addition to doing so offering the alternative of you putting one forward and I will sign.
I don't have time to be a part time attorney either.
Why is this so difficult? Is it not worth $245 to get this over with to you? Do you think throttling my credit after opening your match.com account was in any way fair?
If you agree to pay $245 and return the rings I will call my attorney now to get this started.
Your silence to the unarguable points below speaks volumes. Please do the right thing W.
From Wife:
I’ll work on finding a template that works. Stop rushing me into making decisions!
From Me:
You have had over a year to prepare for this. You want a divorce please either work out something for me to sign or deal with what I put forward, or define how you want an attorney to handle. If the end game is that you are not willing to put forward any money then just be honest and say that. Another $600 in the aftermath of what I am left with after our "marriage" really isn't going to matter anyway.
I am offering to pay the attorney fee if you will pay the filing fee THAT WILL BE REQUIRED REGARDLESS. In this way there will be no questions as to anything.
You said if I made this process simple you would return the wedding and engagement rings. How could I make this any simpler? If your intent is to balk on your word in that regard to that also just say that too.
So, I am willing to pay the attorney fee. I am asking if you are willing to pay the filing fee. I am also asking if you will return the rings since they were contingent on our commitment to each other for better or worse which you opted out on.
Is that agreeable to you? If not then what is? There are no decisions to rush, please either finish what you started or answer the questions I have put forward and I will do it for you.
I have lots of comments about your string of emails below, but in the sake of being mature I’ll save them and keep this mature and to the point:
I am filing divorce papers. I will ask if you can be served via certified mail so that you don’t have the risk of being served at work; however, you and I both know I may not have any control over how/where you are served. --------------------------------------------------------------
From Me:
Thank you, if you file will I still get the wedding rings back?
Please do comment, you have yet to comment on your behavior, and it's obvious why in that it was inexcusable. What would be mature is for you to speak and own up to your behavior in the same way I owned up to mine. During the course of this entire ordeal you haven't taken ownership of any of the nonsense you have put me through, nor have you owned up to the fact that you FLAT OUT STOLE FROM ME. So please, for the benefit of my immaturity, explain why you didn't put the match.com charge on the same credit card of mine that you continued to hammer with hundreds of dollars of medical bills and other charges. Explain to me how that is mature? Or what justification can you give continuing to hammer my credit after your affair started? You have to live with yourself and the way you treat other people W, eventually you will figure out the impact that you had on my life when despite my faults I did everything I could (WAY too much in fact) to improve you and your children's lives. Remember how you got full custody of your kids? Remember why you're no longer bankrupt? Remember why SS1 had a car to drive on his birthday? Remember all your dreams that came true by your own admission? I know the woman I fell in love with has been totally replaced by some other entity but if you have a shred of decency about you must think about these things. It is obvious why you won't speak to them because unless your moral compass has been totally crushed the guilt must eat you up inside.
You agreed to give me the wedding rings back. If I need to file the paperwork to get the wedding rings back then let me know and I will get it started today. Please speak to the ring topic, the only remaining things I desire in any way related to you are your signature on a divorce petition and the wedding rings back.
We have a separation agreement in place, so our divorce process should be cut and dry and not require us to communicate with each other about anything. I already told you I will file the papers.
Stop pressuring me to give you my wedding rings. You’re legally not allowed to pressure me or harass me about anything! So STOP!! --------------------------------------------------------------
I have owned up to and tried to make amends for all my wrongs that played a role in the downfall of our M. She has not in any way and has marked her place as the most caniving human being I have ever known. I feel extremely sorry for her children much moreso than I feel sorry for her. As they grow up it will be inevitible that they eventually realize the type of woman their mother really is. There are takers and givers in this world. She is most certainly a taker and unfortunately I was a giver. She chewewd me up and spit me out to the tune of 50k and a house I still have to sell. I am in a much better place as a result though. I hope she marries her affair partner because I guarantee he will receive the same treatement, she could have written the book on golddigging and that is so blantaently obvious now
Forgiveness is not an option at this point. Maybe one day it will be. I anxiously await the document to show up and I can't wait to sign it so she will no longer tarnish my families good name.
Guess that's a wrap and my next one will be in the Surviving the Big D forum! Thanks to everyone for their support here and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
