Carnac, your spot on regarding my W, I got a chuckle out of your “long winded post” comment, far from it. I am a serious rambler. Hopefully, I can pick your brain a bit. Denver, thank you so much for taking the time to help. Once again, your new thread for the freshman class is extremely helpful. To answer your questions. “I want to try and help you here. I hate to ask this, but can you sum up where your sitch is right now”?
We are in standstill mode. Going on the 5th month of separation. W moved out 5 months ago and has her own apartment on a 9 month lease. Even though I understand I am not supposed to believe a lot of what she’s said, there’s a couple bold statements she’s made.
Email from W, month two of separation.
“I don't want you to be miserable - I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had. And I don't even know what you are thinking about us”?
Text from W, month four of separation.
“I hate to tell you this via text but there is no way in hell we are getting back together! Everything needs to be cordial and for the kids, but our financial issues are exactly why I left! I want a divorce! I can’t believe where we are” “You say that you believe W is probably having an A. Why do you believe that? Why don't you want to ask her”?
Before our separation she was doing some very questionable things on the computer, text, drunkin girls trip to vegas, etc… I have a strong hunch but no concrete proof and I won’t snoop. To be frank, I don’t really want to know. I also believe in a earlier post, you might have mentioned that if you don’t think you can handle the answer then don’t ask. Denver, I won’t be addressing this with W. Other’s on this board have told me the signs of ongoing A are usually clear. As I mentioned, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s messed around but I don’t think it’s with one particular person. Once again, a lot of assumptions. “Why does she need a break? Didn't school just begin”?
We have the visitation schedule all worked out, kids start school next week however this was the only week the kids didn’t have childcare so W was exhausted. That should somewhat work itself out. I get the kids this weekend and they start school next week.
“Was there any issues with you not co-parenting on a 50-50 split? In other words, did she complain that you weren't doing your share”?
I have always been a very involved father, I am very good at it, I do my share and stick to our visitation schedule.
I would always smother and pursue W when we lived together. Our marriage became pure crap!!! I felt I still had the emotional and physical connection with W until the end, or at least I tried to think that. W on the other hand, seems to have checked out a while ago. I cant put my finger on the exact time this took place but my guess is a couple years ago when our financial situation tanked.
W took off her wedding ring a couple weeks after we separated. As a lot of experience, W is now dressing top notch, looks better then ever, gets drunk and goes out with friends. We had 2 joint counseling sessions early on in our separation, W cried a ton and she said our separation has been a "breath of fresh air” and a lot of “weight has been taken off her shoulders.”
To summarize, I can write and overanalyze things until I am blue in the face, improving the financial situation is a very high priority. I understand there’s not a concrete roadmap since every sitch is different however I need to be somewhat consistent when communicating with W. After explaining MY SIDE of our sitch, several people have speculated that my W might want to come back. (I try not to have any expectations).
What do you think from what I've said so far? Do you feel my approach at this point should be similar to others? Should I take a somewhat softer approach? Personally, I prefer to respond to W in a very cut and dry way. I try to be a bit understanding, at the same time I get to the point. I am very guarded right now, W and I have minimal communication other than logistics regarding the kids. Enough babble for now.
