GB, thanks. I'm having a rough day. Trying to get a sense of peace for myself.
Yes, I'd love to try going dim. So far today, I've been successful! It sounds small, but H & I have gotten into the habit of so much texting.
I keep thinking of things he said yesterday. I forgot a lot of what Chuck said during that time. I'm prepared again now, as I think we will talk Sunday.
I just can hardly believe H thinks everything will be the same as now if we D! He even leaves dirty clothes for me to wash now when he leaves. He has some clothes here and some at HP. So if he wears the clothes here he leaves them for me to wash.
My instructor friend said the first ten years of her M that she and her H agreed she was much more in love with him than he with her. Why? She hung on his every word and was available constantly for him as well as telling him her every little activity. No mystery.
I'm really encouraged that this is a great friendship to stumble upon right now. She is kind, dynamic, lots of integrity and experience I can draw upon. I am so grateful!
How are things in your sitch, Gal?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Keep being strong, I really believe in what your friend is telling you. It sounds in line with DB'ing too. Does she have knowledge of DB? You have always been available to your H and he needs to feel what it's like when you are not around as a crutch for him. It will actually empower you when you put going dim into practice. I'm not suggesting going dark because you want to keep the positives going to some degree. But certainly you need to drop back in your contact. Make him wonder a bit. Research Distancer/Pursuer. It gives good insight. Yes it's a psychological game and it will wear you down. That is where GAL and detaching is so valuable.
My sitch is steady, thanks for asking. I'm still working on small acts of affection towards my H. He responds positively but never reciprocates. I'm not sure if that's a big problem because it's always been his way. I am just hopeful he will see the light and I won't have to keep doing all the hard work!!!!! I'm still lovingly distant. Will see what happens in the next few weeks.
We have had a cruise booked for over a year which we are due to take in early Nov. I paid for it in full recently, with a view to taking my daughter or GF if H was not interested. It was brought up at family lunch the other day, and his response was a positive one. He talked about it and acted as if he were going!! That was a good sign too, but could also have been for show as he never talks about our sitch to anyone.
Wow! I love to hear your steady progress. Makes me have more faith in the DB coach! We have always wanted to go on a cruise and I mentioned it before he moved out and H said he would consider it, but never heard anything about it again. I hope your H doesn't let you down in this respect. Maybe he actually wants to go!
I think we can expect some changes with reconciliation, but some things people aren't going to change, most likely, such as LL.
I worked hard on not contacting H today. Just before I left for class he texted to see how I was....then I had the oil check light on the car. Had to enlist his help on the phone, but was able to find the oil, put it in, etc. And I was pleased I didn't sound like a helpless woman. I hope anyway.
We had some more friendly texting and flirting but I'm not going to do any more tonight. In the past we would keep going back and forth till bedtime. I would tell him progress in the class, etc.
I feel I can live with not contacting him but then being upbeat and flirty when he contacts me.
He said he has no plans Fri. or Sat. night and was interested in a possible moonlight paddle kayak trip with me and S12. It's quite a drive and expense though so I suggested using our own kayak on our own pond if everyone wants to as H said he wanted to come home to switch cars again tomorrow evening.
I want to be somewhat available (family activities sound nice to me and H always seems quite excited about them) but then somewhat not available at other times.
I saw a lot could be accomplished in a six-week period when I was perusing the DB success stories and I figure I might have that long till I have my real estate license.
It'd be nice to think H doesn't have a OP and would actually miss me if I go dim. I guess I'll see.
Thanks so much for your consistent communications. What are your plans about the sleeping arrangements? Will you wait till after the cruise to make your move?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Gal, I took your advice about researching distancer/pursuer. I had come across that concept before, but I think I'm ready now to understand it more.
It hit me like a ton of bricks -- not just with H, but many times in my life have I been a pursuer. thanks SO much for the suggestion to investigate that more. I have a lot of food for thought tonight!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Your welcome RH. I should read it myself again too. Always helps to keep strong. Glad you have a plan about keeping dim. Try it for a while and see what happens. If things change for the worse, re-think your strategy. I think it will take your H by surprise because you have always been there. It surely will make him question why you are not constantly texting him. He may think you have met someone in RE school. He might have to think about you being with someone else if you go to D. He may not like it.
My H never texts me any more. It still hurts even though I've come to expect it, I always have a little hope there somewhere. I text him rarely. Can you bring some milk home...that sort of thing. He would never cope with a needy person. He always waits for me to make the first move, and I do get tired of it. Ho hum.
It's been a rough week here, but feel my emotions leveling out a bit. Thought I'd check in on you.
Seems like you're staying strong and doing your best to be positive. I know it's hard! They are all over the place, which makes it very easy for us to be all over the place too. Craziness can be contagious!
I know you miss your H texting you, but he needs the opportunity to miss YOU. He waits for you to make the first move, and is used to you doing so. Sounds like an opportunity for a 180 girl!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Tks TVS. I'm ok just over this game playing a bit. Hanging in there for now. I read your new thread. Will stay off it for now so the vets can give you some advice. You are strong. Hang in there.
Yep...they have a lot to answer for once the fog lifts. However, I've heard they don't remember everything. Probably conveniently. What upsets me a lot is that H doesn't care much about his relationship with any of his family members. His kids hardly speak to him. He doesn't care or try at all. They are hurting so much.
