Also check credit reports and credit card balances - you said H hadn't been paying some bills, it may be wise to find out just how bad the family finances are. Also, copy all tax returns and bank statements and 401k statements etc so you have all the financial information handy for the lawyer consult.
thanks What does Picking mean? The other day I asked him what was going on re: saying he wants to work on the marriage but not doing much. Just said his feelings are in waves, still kinda numb sometimes but not as bad as before. My counselor told me to ask him what I could do to make him feel more like, I guess, loving to me. He said I was doing everything right. Yesterday morning I asked him if I am not attractive to him, then he gave me a hug and said that's not it. I told him it had been weeks since we've been intimate and it bugs me. He said "has it been that long" then He said he would be intimate. I said I didn't want him doing it out of guilt or just on account of me and he said he wouldn't if he didn't want to. So we did ML and that makes me feel closer, but in the back of my mind I wonder what's going on. He still says he wants to work on the marriage. I'm leaving my trust in God and I do feel somewhat stronger than before. Like I will be okay.
Just a couple "time frame" things I always have to remind myself:
-"average/typical" length of affair (emotional or physical) = 6 to 12 months
-"average/typical" time it takes a marriage/partners to "fully" recover from an affair = 1 to 4 years
-"average/typical" length of mlc = 3 to 5 or 7 years
This is just compiled from this forum, many books and websites. I get impatient sometimes, remembering the above helps me calm down and have perspective...
Main thing, H has to re-learn how to respect you, so keep going with what you are doing in stopping it and setting boundaries.
H is going to be confused for quite a while, plus add in the job sitch of his, layoffs coming, stress, etc...it is possible that his lack of libido has little to do with you. When I worked at a fotune 50 corp years ago, it was sooo bad there, I had NO libido, at all...nothing to do with W or anything "home" related...and I am usually pretty darn amorous.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Rachael, You mentioned that your h was picking at you about some things. He's in replay and he's going to "pick" at you and constantly find fault w/everything you do. That's why I called it the "picking stage". It's all part of replay and a way to "justify" why he's doing what he's doing.
Actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to work on the marriage, but isn't doing much...I suspect you are the one that is trying to work on the marriage. My xh said the same thing and did absolutely nothing to work on the marriage.
You are wise to leave your situation in God's hands. However, I do hope that you are using some type of protection when ML. Even though he says he's working on the marriage, please use precautions until he has actually proven to you that he is serious and is planning to return to the marriage full speed.
No matter what happens, you are doing to be okay. You are a strong woman.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thanks to all for your replies H was staring at the clock before dinner and looking at it again after dinner and took off without telling anyone where he was going. Makes me think he's cheating again but I'm not dying about it. Just don't know how he could live like this if he is. I sure as hell couldn't look him in the eye or look at my kids if I was doing this.
They tend to compartmentalize things. You and the children are in one section of his brain, his mlcing fantasies are in another part, as well as his work is in another.
They tend to try to tune out their inner voice when they are doing things that they know are wrong. That's why they end up with being sick quite a bit and/or lashing out at us over stupid stuff.
You are doing well despite his behavior.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly When he came back yesterday I asked him where he went, he said I had something to do. I told him he needs to tell people where he is going. He finally said he ran to the boat to see if he could find a leak that's been around for awhile. Who knows.
Today he answered me in an annoyed way to a simple question and I said you don't need to get mad over a question, watch your tone. Said it without alot of emotion. Then left the room. He was a bear to our son last night over something and gets my son all upset. I told my son that it's not him or me (since we are getting the crap lately) Dad's going through some kind of male menopause and some guys get like that. My son thinks his dad hates him. I told him he doesn't and to try and let it go and not take it personally.
Last night H told me he is anxious and jumpy. Feels he can't stay in one place too long. That's the truth, the family gets on his nerves.
I totally agree w/"T" on this...they feel like they are on high overdrive w/anxiety. It's part of the MLC.
I'm glad you explained a little bit of what is going on w/your h to your son. He does not hate his son...however, right now, he may be jealous of him because he's acting about your son's age.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
