DG-I really needed to hear that. This is something that plays over and over and over in my head. I'm going to read your posts. I'm sure I'll find some encouragment there. Trying so hard to GAL.
Do you have any guesses WHY your H might want you to call? He likes attentionDoes it seem like small talk or does he appear to want to know your where abouts at any given time? Both. A bit of small talk but always ask what I'm doing, where I'm going. He always wants me to be at home when he gets theres. Says he does not want to be alone. If it's the former, great. If it's the later, then you want to be mysterious about your comings and goings.Yes, I agree. I try to be as mysterious as I can be but he does not hesitate to scrub down my answers.
A little history... When I first found out about the A, I constantly called him throughout the day and texted multiple times. One time I called and he rudely answered the phone, "What do you want?". I felt insulted, embrassed and lowly. I was sure that he was not responding to the OW in this manner. As a matter of fact, there were maybe 50 calls and texts between the two of them daily. I told him how I felt, Started reading DR, looking at the videos and reading posts. Backing off and GAL was a must if I were to keep my dignity. I immediately stopped calling and texting him. When he called, I would let the phone go to VM then call him back 30mins to an hour later. And no more kiddy or I Love You texts from me.
Yesterday I spent most of my day focusing on my work. I did not call my H for lunch nor did I hear from him for lunch as I usually would. I took that as a sigh of relief bc it gave me time to really focus on work and not my sitch. H did call around 3pm to ask why I haven't called him. I told him I knew he was busy working on a project and I was busy in and out of meetings. He went on to tell me about his day and how excited he was to win bids on a couple more projects. I told him how excited I was for him. He tried to talk for a long time but after 20 minutes or so I told him I had to finish up some things at work. He talked about another 5 minutes asking about what we would do for dinner, maybe go out he suggested since we were both extended from work, then we agreed we would talk later.
After work my BF came over for a while. After she left, it was getting late and I was hungry so I called H to see if we were still going out for dinner. H phone went to vm so I did not leave a msg. H called back about 5 minutes later and I purposely did not answer my phone. I decided I would refresh, get dressed then go out for dinner alone. I placed the phone on the charger and went into the bathroom. I could hear it buzzing but I did not answer. A few minutes later H came into the house. I stayed in the bathroom and continued what I was doing. He came in and said he could not answer his phone when I called because it had dropped on the floor of the truck while he was driving and he could not reach it. He pulled over and picked up the phone and tried to call me back several times (12 missed calls). I told him I was in the bathroom and did not hear the phone.(This is true, I turned the ringer off)He said he felt like I was ignoring him.(No, I am just trying not to get my hopes up and to GAL) I told him, I was simply in the bathroom when he called. He asked if we were still going to dinner and we did. Afterward, H & D stayed up watching tv in the den. I went to bed because I had an early start this morning.
This morning I noticed H fell asleep on the couch and the phone he uses to communicate with the OW was lying on the arm rest of the couch. I did not bother H nor his phone. (No Snooping..So proud of myself)I begin to get ready for work...surprisingly H came into the bathroom and asked why I was going to work so early. Just told him I have tons of work to do before the weekend. He begin to prepare for work as well. Small talk about hiring a new labor to assist with his projects then he asked if we could do lunch today. I told him that would be nice and I'd let him know. He then asked if we could go to dinner as well. I told him that would be nice as well. He stood in front of me with his lips pooched for a kiss and I obliged and told him to have a good day (No I love you as I normally would). I tried to leave as quickly as I could but he was right behind me and came to my car window. He wanted another kiss and said that he loved me. Since he said it first, I told him that I loved him as well and to have a good day. He preceded with small talk. Although I was pressed for time, I listened and gave him the eye contact then hurried off to work.
My Mood: Trying to emotionally position myself so I can heal. I am soooo hurt.This sitch has consumed so much of my thoughts. I wake up thinking about. I lie down thinking about it and every opportune moment in between. When I try to detach and GAL, he's there questioning who I'm calling, texting and what I'm thinking...I want to say as I've said so many times to END the EA so we can begin to heal our M but I'm giving him his space to make that decision.I am cautiously optimistic yet I'm also beginning to feel so much better about ME.
Tonight was painful to endure and I'm sure I broke a few rules along the way. Scrambling to put things back in order.
Well, he was late coming home as usual and work was the normal excuse. We went for dinner and drinks. H said he had to work and would not be able to the meet w/C tomorrow. He said he knew it was important but he had to work on a few projects. I told him that I would go anyway. Then he mentioned that he does not know why he continues to communicate w/OW. I told him our M can not continue if he continues the A. He told me how beautiful I was, etc..etc. and how he wishes he could ride off into the sunset on his bike. I told him he is an adult and if he felt like he wanted to take off for a ride then he should do it. He then preceded to say that he was concerned about what I thought and how I would react to him doing that. I told him that he should do things that made him happy b/c I will do things that made me happy as well. He then started saying that I would probably go looking for him or go to the OW house looking for him. (the nerve) I just flat out told him that I would probably go out and enjoy myself with my friends or dancing but I would not go looking for him or call him or text him nor go to the OW home. I said there are far too many people in this community that I can enjoy myself with than wasting my time on him and the OW. He blew it.Jumped out of the truck and started throwing up. Said he was sooo stressed over everything. He was so confused..etc. I let him be. Said a prayer over him and offered a cold compress. I did not know what else to do. I've never seen anything like this before in my life. He came into the house and went straight to the bathroom throwing up. I guess it was his nerves. I don't know if he is nervous about us (b/c I have been DB pretty well lately) or what. I feel bad for him and I know I'm a sucker for it. I know he is playing me. Any suggestions on what I did wrong? Did I do anything right?
This morning was quite different from last night. I slept in because my appt. with C wasn't until 12n. H was supposed to go to work but hung around until I got ready to leave. He asked what my plans were for the day and offered a few suggestions for us. He didn't mention weirding out on me last night and I didn't either. He said that he was going to turn off the service to the phone he uses to communicate w/OW. I did not respond to that nor am I going to get excited about it. I will have to wait and see what he actually does.
My appt with C went well. She was disappointed that H did not come but was glad I still kept my session. I told her all that I had been doing to back-off and GAL,she was proud of me. My phone started to vibrate during our session but I did not check it until I left her office. It was H. He wanted to know how the session went and what the C said about him. I kept it simple then he asked me again what my plans were for the day. I will be grilling outside, I've invited some friends over and we will listen to music and enjoy the day. H was supposed to work today but decided he would come back home to spend the day with me. I really think that he just wanted to avoid C today. I can only control me so I'm going to continue to go until I feel confident I don't need the therapy anymore. DB is working for me in terms of getting me back on track, restoring my self esteem and making me focus and feel good about me. It can be difficult at times but I believe that I will be a better person as a result of DB.
Another bumbed evening. Yesterday the OW posted a photo of flowers and a ring my H gave her on FB and called him by this pet name she gave him. I knew it was him bc it's the same name used in his secret FB account. I would not have mentioned it to H but she sent me photos of the two of them together and threaten to post the pics on FB if I didn't back off from my H. She told me that I had better get used to them being together or she would post all of their pics on FB where all my family and friends could see then everyone would know I didn't have the perfect marriage. I replied to her out of shock and anger and told her to go ahead and post the pics.(Expose the Affair) Then I showed the pics to my H. He became angry and said the pics were old but I knew by the photo it was a recent pic of him. I tried to be calm but it was too late and H was enraged. He decided that he wanted to be alone and would go out for the evening and did not come home until 7:30am this morning. The OW texted my phone until about 1:30am just to let me know that she was with my H. I guess he felt better being with her to avoid my questions about the pics and ring. I did not handle that sitch DB style at all. I cried all night and did not get much sleep. When H came in and laid across the bed, I did not say anything. He reaked of alcohol. He put his arms around me and moaned a couple of times about where he'd been. I got up to get ready for work and just cried in the shower. I feel so broken and helpless. How could he do this to me? Why? What did I do to him to make him disrespect me so much? I feel like he despises me. Normally I would fix breakfast for us and pray but I couldn't. I did kiss him on the cheek and told him goodbye. When I got to work I called back to make sure he was up and able to get to work. He complained about having a headache but he was gone try to work. I didn't want to call him but we really need the money and he cannot afford to mess up this project he's working on. This A keeps him unorganized and he's not focused on anything after spending time with the OW. We are almost bankrupt because of his behavior. This has become emotionally, physically and financially draining.
Yesterday I was back on DB track. Work was pleasant enough. We did not do lunch but H did call to find out what time I was leaving for work and said he would be home around the same time. My D also texted and wanted to go out for dinner. A friend also called and suggested I stop by for while. I stopped by one of my favorite stores and picked up a swanky sundress and decided to have dinner with my daughter. Went home and rested for a bit then started to get ready. When H got home I told him I was having dinner with D and he was welcomed to come. After getting dressed, I noticed he was sulking and possibly winding himself up to be angry. He said since I was already dressed to go ahead w/o him and he would shower and meet us there. I said okay and headed out the door not really convinced that he would show up. Met up with D and her boyfriend. We decided to eat on the patio section of the restaurant and ordered a few drinks. My daughter complimented me on my attire. She looked so pretty and happy. It made me feel so good just to be with her. Later my husband arrived and we ate dinner. He did not say anything about how I looked but I could tell he noticed. After dinner we headed home separately. Hubby had dosed off asleep on the couch. Normally I would wake him up and tell him to come to bed but I didn't (180). I turned the tv off and left a nite light on. Later I noticed he let the dogs out then came to bed. I acted as if I was still asleep. This morning he woke me up because he wanted me to complete some invoices(manipulative) After some small talk he mentioned that he fell asleep on the couch but woke up around 12a, let the dogs out and came to bed.(That was true,H finally said something that was actually true). I got up, turned on my radio and started to prepare for work. I felt really good this morning. He came into the bathroom and started talking about his work plans for the day. I did not ask whereabout questions but I listened and was pleasant in my responses. He kind of waited around and we basicaly left at the same time. As I scurried out of the door, he called me back and asked for a kiss. I obliged. When I got into my truck, he asked for another and I obliged. Turned my radio on some feel good music and headed to work. Later he called about the invoices which I had already taken care of. He came to my work site to pick up one he needed a copy of. We had a little small talk then I told him that I needed to get back to work and I was sure he had some appointments to keep. So far my DB is back on track and I'm going to try really hard to stay on track no matter what is thrown in my path. My focus is to get GAL right now. It's almost lunch time. I have a few errands to run.
No responses on this thread..Maybe I should try a new post or post in a different forum.
After work I went to the salon for a mani and pedi. I really needed the pick me up. H called and wanted to know what was for dinner. Since I wasn't home yet he suggested one of his favorite restaurants. During dinner he kept referring to "us" during the conversation. When I would say "me" or "you", he took notice and pointed that out. I smiled during our dinner and he noticed that as well. He said, it felt like I was laughing at him. I am just so hurt over what is happening that I have to smile to keep from crying sometimes. He actually thinks that he is going to have a wife and mistress at the same time sickens me to the core. The entire time during dinner I invisioned CHEATER-LIAR-ADULTERER all over his face. He did not resemble the man I fell in love with 15 years ago. I don't know, but I feel like resentment is starting to set in. I love my husband so much but he is swept up in a FOG of fantasy land and no one can get through to him. After dinner we went to Walmart and got new bike seats. He said he wants "US" to join a new gym and ride our bikes together in the afternoons.
This morning, I noticed he was fully undressed in the bed. I did not acknowledge it as I had to prepare for work. Usually, I would play around with him and we'd ML but I was not feeling it. All I picture in my head was H & the OW. He hugged me and I hugged him but then I quickly hopped out of bed. I could tell he was sulking and I wanted to be their with him but I just couldn't. We didn't say much before going to work. I feel it's all going down hill. Is this the way it usually works for DB. I want him to notice that I'm backing off but am I pushing him away as well. My husband thrives on attention and if I don't give it too him, I'm sure the OW would be more that happy to oblige.
I feel like he somehow thinks that I'm going to accept his occasional flings and just go on with our lives as it nothing is going on. This is AWFUL
M: 42 H: 38 M:15yrs Bomb May 2012 H/EA&PA H will not end A w/OW
Hi lapoo - i just saw that new thread you started and advice to continue on this one.
please don't be discouraged that no one has responded for a few days.it happens to all of us.
meanwhile - stick to the 37 rules like glue and read as much as you can of others threads - that's where most of us "get it" - not only from our own.
I don't have time write now to read through your sich, but will later - i just read the last post you made and what comes to mind is that you are too focused on your h right now.
that's normal - and we all struggle tremendously with that.
can you try to find things to do that would take your focus away? also - and this is very very hard - you have to KNOW that pulling away from your h will NOT mean you lose him, necessarily.
there's alot of DB stuff that is counterintuitive - and that is one of them for sure.
you don't pull away by doing negative things - you pull away by focusing on other more positive things for you
you don't have to be there for him every moment. in fact he needs to miss you a bit -
there is a lot of panicky feelings that come up during this time as we wade through the muck trying to figure out what exactly we must do to save our sitches. but over time, you will find, that saving our sitches means saving ourselves first - sort of the equivalent of putting on your own oxygen masks before you put your kid's mask on in a plane.
same concept here -
so hang in there - be brave and courageous - which in this case means turning to yourself rather than your h for answers
start by finding out what your values are and then determinedly sticking by them, so that you feel stronger and have a base within which to work
will check in later
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
This is something I posted on another forum but it applies just as well here.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
