from what I gather Vera (ms fierce to stbx) doesn't want him back. she isn't trying to turn anything around. She just wants to end it in the nicest possible way.
I think that Stbx is trying to get some sort of affirmation from her that everything is okay and that will ease his guilt/pain/discomfort in the sitch (I did it) In a way it's cake eating, it's knowing that she will always be there if and when he wants to have to dinner etc. I imagine that when the trip comes around if she were to show up he wouldn't like it. He might like the idea of it but not the reality.
Good job on telling him he needs to let you know when he's coming over. I rang H once and laid down the law about that. I was so sick of him discounting me in the relationship and I said you wouldn't do that your boss or your mom or your friends so why is it okay to not call me and tell me that you're going to be late. The next day he was going to pick up something for dinner and he texted me to say that he might be late so he'd bought it at lunch and put it in the fridge so it would be there when I got home. And I said wow you're never this thoughtful and he said well I'm scared of you now. Somehow that felt good. common courtesy was a phrase that come up a lot between us when we were in that roommate stage and it sounds like he doesn't get that either. He constantly expects you to make allowances for him.
Zig, you can get KD's thoughts over on the first 2 pages of my bootcamp thread We talked about breaking out of the pattern of stbx trying to be nice before doing D-related stuff and me going along with it out of guilt and me being "done."
Someone posted MWD's golden rules and I read them today and cracked up at "treating your spouse at least as well as you'd treat a stranger" It's so true they'd never act this way with a stranger!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
responding more fully now that i'm not on my phone - Brit you are right about him wanting me to make a bunch of allowances. Fortunately the temper tantrums that occur when I set boundaries seem to be getting shorter/less intense, and he's sticking to things - letting me know before he comes over, etc. I think you're right that he's trying to ease his guilt and discomfort here. When he's uncomfortable he just runs.
I'm so thankful that I've learned in this process how to identify my emotions and to figure out where they're coming from before I act. I feel like I'm on a much more even keel in my life, I can deal with other people's emotions so much better, and fewer things send me into a tizzy because I am better at taking things as they come. Ahhh (relaxed sigh).
The toddler tantrums have returned! This time *he* doesn't think something I asked for in discovery is relevant, so he didn't provide it. Then when I explained why I thought he should provide it, he called it "arbitrary." Then he accused me of making things more complicated/expensive for asking for it (this is not that complicated) and tried to throw some other things back at me, none of which were logical.
I remained calm, told him I wasn't going to argue the point, etc. He did this while I was making dinner so I just kept on making dinner. I said "no one said this was easy" and again he threw back at me as if *I* was the one making things difficult.
He also got annoyed that I indicated interest in some property that I think was a wedding present (or, at least, gift to the both of us) that he considers a "family heirloom." Then he scoffed at having to pay for a cleaning service if there was a possibility that I was going to stay in the house.
Now I'm getting pissy emails from him about logistical things. It's really like he just doesn't remember having agreed to certain things from 2-3 weeks ago. Amazing.
He continues to only complain about work and how he is "wronged" by other things that happen around him (which he takes to be happening "to" him) and that it is such an injustice that these things occurred! How dare some customer service representative treat him in the "stupid" way they did!
I just say "that stinks" and go on with my business.
I had a convo with a coworker about how I can see that stbx got so overwhelmed with M, a house, and a frustrating job, and instead of getting rid of the job, when I started pressuring him to focus more on the M and the house and to look for another job, he went the other way.
Really, what a gift that has been for me. I am so so so glad to have this opportunity to step back and really see his negative behavior patterns for what they are - to really study with them and understand why they always left me with a vague sense of unease in the past - a sense that I always downplayed, telling myself it was me with the problem and that I shouldn't be feeling uneasy. Wrong!
I'm making plans now to enjoy the long weekend ahead. I'm going to try to take care of going through the discovery stuff that he did provide to see where we stand, and to get some more work done on the last major house project that needs to be done before we get closer to the appraisal.
I've also looked at some other listings in my area in case I end up not being able to keep the house, but I really want to stay here. However, if his share of the equity is more than I can cover, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do.
I am realizing I need to let go of all expectations that he will lift one finger doing anything to get this house ready other than taking out all of his stuff (and leaving giant dust bunnies behind). Is it fair? No. Has it been fair for the last 2 years? No. Will I get this over with if I just do it myself? Yes.
i hear you...same thing in my sitch. it is maddening, but hopefully he will approach the D settlement with the same carelessness and you will not have too many issues keeping the house.
how about packing up the dust bunnies and sending them off w/ H to his new place??
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
