Hi AnotherStander - I have read your posts - I think at the core we are going through the same thing, trying to keep a wife from walking away. I wish you the best with your situation. Hang in there man. Hope you are stronger then me. Had some tough days lately.
Thank you for the kind words!! And I doubt I am stronger than you, this experience has taught me that I'm not very strong at all. I had almost a total mental breakdown at one point and have been on med's for it since that point. Unfortunately my W has signed a lease and will more than likely be out of the house in 2-3 weeks, that's where my patience (not my strong suit) will really be tested.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
I want to say them to my wife but they did not get a response, or worse I got a glared at, so I stopped.
Exactly, that's because she's convinced herself that she is not in love with you. So whenever you say it to her you're basically telling her "we want two different things- I love you but you don't love me". She will perceive it as you applying pressure to her rather than giving her space. But if you show her love through the 5 languages that will be appreciated even if she doesn't outwardly say so. Give it time and watch for small signs of improvement.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
I will not stop saying them to the kids.
Good, they need to hear it now more than ever. You need to be the calm in the storm, the lighthouse seen through stormy seas for your kids. Because they are definitely in the middle of this too. Many people assume that this is all about husband/ wife and the kids are just distant participants, but kids can really be hurt by this and need reassurances that they're not the problem (they will blame themselves) and that regardless of what happens they are valued and deeply loved.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
The scary thing is that I am seeing a side of her that is starting to make me questions things. The reasons that I have really loved her have come in to question. I always trusted her 100% but after the EA that she wanted to turn into a real affair and got turned down that has been hard.
This is a normal part of the grieving process. You may get angry at her and question your love for her, but just give it time and you'll resolve these issues in your mind. You're going to go through a range of emotions, don't get caught up in any particular one, just let them roll. Remember that there's a reason she sought out an EA, don't focus on the EA itself, focus on your 180's. If you carry out your 180's properly you take away her need for an EA and turn her back to you. If and when you reconcile you're going to have a lot of work to do to resolve trust issues, and you'll probably want to seek out MC for this. But that's a later step.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
She has never been a good housekeeper but now she has really let everything go. And because the house is a mess she will not let the kids have friends over so they suffer.
Take it over yourself, that's what I did. And now our house stays clean all the time instead of just once every 2 weeks! I work on it about 30 minutes each day and it's done. I also took over the laundry and it gets done one day a week instead of (literally) never being done when my wife did it.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
Now I am some horrible person that ruined her wedding day because all she remembers is the argument and not the reason for it. I think in any marriage you could take snapshots of moments, string them together, leave out the other side, and make someone look horrible.
Absolutely. She's rewriting history, a pretty typical action by WAW's. Your response should be "I'm sorry you feel that way, sounds like you're still upset about it even now." Validate her feelings without agreeing with her. It'll immediately diffuse the situation.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
The sad thing is that this threatened separation/divorce really woke something in me. She was right in that I needed to change. I realize that I was not a good husband. I love the new me. I love what I have become and what I am becoming. There is so much more to life then I ever imagine.
Amen brother, it is a spiritual awakening and I know EXACTLY what you mean because I'm there too. Our MC called it "dying to self and being reborn to serve others". The problem is that now we've become the husbands our wives always wanted, they're skeptical that it's real. They think we're doing it just to get them back and then will revert to our old ways. That's why it takes time, they've got to see we're permanently changed.
