Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Arsene,
Now that you have journaled and recognized what needs to be done, the question that I and many others will propose is:

What are you now going to do about it????

Thanks for being here Suppo. I have been thinking about this a lot. I guess I need some plan of action and it funny because last night, I was reading Denver's sitch (I'm a bit past the halfway point) and I reached that point where he himself has some sort of epiphany and comes up with an action plan.

For some reasons, I've always related to Denver for a few reasons. The first thing that caught my attention was that his W is also a singer and a teacher who was having an A with a fellow band member. Reading on, I noticed that what he'd done was similar to what I've done and the way he thinks, his strong belief in his marriage, his vows and his W, are very much like the way I think (or at least thought I did till my own epiphany - and hope I can live up to, now). Also, some of the things his W did and said are very similar to what my W has done and said.

Well, I read his plan of action and it rang a bell. It seems to me that everything in there makes sense to me and it goes along the lines of what I would like to do, perhaps with some slight modification, should any of you want to help me tweak it. I hope Denver is not going to come after me for copyright infringement . Actually, I wouldn't mind hearing from you, Denver, to let me know how it went and if you'd recommend following it as is.

This is how it goes (sorry, it's a bit long)

1. OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM. I cannot control whether or not W chooses to have contact with him. I need to accept that. He wins ONLY IF I LET HIM.

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Don't always answer her text messages right away. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. see #1. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me. BUT, I love my W without conditions... so accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and SS. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.

11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in November, December and January. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for 3+ months. She needs to see more of it. BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, OM, or to SS. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.


An other part of my plan is to go on living the best way I can. In fact, I used to have a mental timeline which would make me reconsider my actions around December and I will still keep that in mind but for the time being, the lease on my new house is for 2 years and the life I'm planning for myself could easily keep me here for that long so why not? 2 years of me living a good life with my D8, having lots of fun and doing lots of exciting, interesting things while W comes around every so often to visit D8 and see the person I am.

This week, I've already been to my first Rotary Club meeting and I think I can get into that. I've been told that money is not all I can give but I can also give my time so it would be a double bonus. Besides, the meetings are held in English and the local language so it'll allow me to learn it even more.

I've also got an invitation to next week's meeting of the local chapter of the ToastMasters (Something to do with public speaking in English) and I was told by the president that they would appreciate my input as a native speaker.

Next week, I'll also be meeting a member of a 4X4 club for owners of my type of car. They have rallies and camping trips for the family and there is one going on next weekend.

During this extended 2-year timeline, W will hopefully find herself and figure out what she wants out of life. OM probably won't be around anymore (although another one might be ) and in any event, it shouldn't matter because I'm not going to focus on him. Also, in 2 years of living a good life, it might not matter so much whether or not my W returns home, although for the time being, I don't want to think about that.

BTW, with regards to my managing my anger, I've been keeping a sharp eye out for any behaviour which doesn't come out of love.

What do this sound like so far? It sounds like a tall order, doesn't it?