Divorced #3

[Mrs D]

Ok - this is just a silly question that Im throwing out there because I thought of a converation that we had a few weeks back. So, when someone files for divorce, and their spouse is living in seperate places - does the grieving process start then? Lets say - spouse one leaves, spouse two files 3 months later. Does that grieving for the loss of the marriage start at that point? What if said spouses were still very much together up till a month and a half after divorce is final? Does that spouse number two really grieve prior to filing? Or does the grieving process start at the time of moving on? OK - I think Im mixing myself up. Does the grieving process of losing the marriage start at the time spouse one leaves, or when spouse two files, or when the actual relationship is completely over?

[MrBond]

The grieving process begins when you actually feel the loss of it. There's no set time.

[Mrs D]

Thank you Bond.

So. I did make contact tonight with X but that is only because our son was having another breakdown. It started with of all things, a gumball. He wanted one. I didnt have a quarter. Instant meltdown. Stood in the parking lot, arms crossed, forehead squished. Would not get into my car for nothing. It took me getting out of the car and threatening to spank his behind. This is very unlike our son. He gets into fhe car and starts saying how much he hates me and that hes going to run away, etc. I try to explain to him that I didnt have a quarter. Didnt have any cash on me to get a quarter. He threw a fit. So I called X. Told him what was going on and told him that I think I am going to put him into therapy as well. (This isnt the first outburst like this) Of course he says don't you think you are going alittle overboard with the therapy talk? Its a gumball. I explain to him that this isnt the first time he breaksdown over nothing. So X tries to speak to our son, and C really just isnt having anything to do with Xs conversation. I get back in the phone and said ti X that C isnt going to talk to him. He wouldnt even hold the phone to his ear. I did.

Anyway to make the story shorter, I tell him thanks for trying, and tried to end the call. Hes like okkkkk... told him to have a good weekend. (Still trying to end the call) and he goes into how he may be laid off tomorrow after they finish this job. And man I miss talking to him like this, so I let him continue. Finally the conversation ends. He tells me to have a good time at the concert. I said of a few people that were going to meet "us". Hes like ah - there are other people that like country. I fed into the lead and said that I actually like it as well. Hes like uh huh.. I could tell he was smiling just how he said it.

So anyway. C and I get back to our place, and I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone like I do. He shook his head no, so I asked if he would feel better talking to myself or his dad more. His response was that he would talk to me about his feelings, but not his Dad. He said that he misses me and his dad together. That when he goes to dads, he misses me. When hes here, he misses dad. I told him that was understandable and tried to reassure him we both loved him very much. Then he said that he doesnt want his dad to date any body but me because he doesnt want them to get married. I didnt know how to respond to that. I just gave him a hug and told him that I understood. Ugh my heart broke instantly for our son.

So I ended up sending X a text saying I waz going ti get C in counceling and that he misses us together, and that hes scared his dad is going to get married to someone else. No response. None. And I know I wouldnt get one cause he is home now from work and shes there. Ugh!!!!

I don't talk about the gf when I am around my son. I know that will only confuse him more, but I wonder if hes overheard a phone conversation I had with my sister. We were both outside. He was playing with friends, so I didnt think he was paying attention. Now I feel that shame because of C may or may not have heard..... Thursday night didnt end so well.

[suppo]

MrsD,

Tomorrow is another day! Just because your XH didn't give you or S the response that you wanted doesn't mean that he didn't hear & doesn't mean that he isn't processing it.

I am here right with you! I have a D-12 and a S-7 that doesn't want W to be with anyone else as well! My D has been fantastic & has stepped up a little too young in my opinion in being a grown up due to the sitch. My S, on the other hand is very young & his outlet is acting out when things aren't going his way, which is most likely due to how he handles things in the present sitch.

Keep Faith! It unfortunately is one of the side effects for kids that happens & shouldn't have to.

Your post is all over the place...LoL...Did you have a couple glasses of wine? Just kidding of course! You know my sick sense of humor!

Hang in there Sister!

[Mrs D]

Lol no. No wine. No beer. Nothing but a diet pepsi tonight. Maybe thats it since I normally drink diet mountain dew? Lol

No I just felt so bad for C. The tears. The emotion. I would like to say I cant imagine what hes going through, but I do. The only difference between this sitch and that sitch is that Im doing something about my life to make my kids life healthier. My Mom never did that for us. If anything, the path she took was very, very dark.

I didnt really expect a reply back from X. When he is with her, nothing else matters. Not even his son really. And Im sure thats why our son will open to me and not his Dad. I think everytime he calls to talk to dad, and dad doesnt answer or call back, C remembers. And when he is at his dads, he doesnt do alot of one on one. He watches tv or plays Xbox ....

Any hoo.... I really didnt cut NC today though cause that all was about our son, right?

[suppo]

Kids come first! NC is meant for you & healing/bettering yourself. If you need to break contact for a child, then IMO it is a must. There are no set rules & I think if you felt what you felt due to the situation, then you are doing the right thing.

But please remember, I am not a Psychiatrist or Therapist. On the other hand, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

I want to go streaking through the neighborhood & blow off some steam! Who's with me?

[Mrs D]

Kids come first! NC is meant for you & healing/bettering yourself. If you need to break contact for a child, then IMO it is a must. There are no set rules & I think if you felt what you felt due to the situation, then you are doing the right thing.

But please remember, I am not a Psychiatrist or Therapist. On the other hand, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

I want to go streaking through the neighborhood & blow off some steam! Who's with me?

I believe me reaching out to X was the right thing to do. I just wish he could see what is going on with our son. And Im not even sure why he wouldnt open up for his dad. I just need to make an appt, but Im not sure if he will even open up for them...

[Mrs D]

Happy Friday!! Today I woke up in an awesome mood. Its possible that I may be excited for this evening. Or maybe its because when I woke I felt of so much hope, and I truly believe I am going to be ok. I felt so strong and confident again this morning. I took my peanut to school, had the thought of driving past Xs house to see if she was there - AND DIDN'T! ! Instead I drove right past the subdivision and went to my appt in a neighboring town. Yay me! But. Once I got there, they gave me a car to troll around town in. I decided to go to Panera. Unfortunately I bought enough bagels for 6 people, and drove them to my Xs place of work. Yeah. Not so good because I broke NC. But heres the thing. I went into the shack where he works, and his two work buddies were in there as well. They were like hey, what are you doing here? X was on the phone and didnt realize I was there. So I put my finger to my lips shh. The two guys smiled. I walked up to X and handed him the bag. And hes like hey.. what are you doing here? Like I said I was handing him the bag at that point and hes like wow, what a nice surprise. You didnt have to do that. I just answered it wasnt a problem. I turned to leave and X is says why arent yiu at work? I told him my car was in the shop. He then asked where C was. I laughed and said it was friday, silly. Hes like oh yeah. I told him the different kind I bought, and told the guys that they could have some as well. X said laughed and said he might share... told them all to have a good day and left. As much as I know this is pursuing, and Im gonna get hit with 2×4s I think you call them ... I felt really good and confident doing it. It was something I would do every now and again when we were together. Im not looking at it as anything more than dropping food to friends. No expectations. And it was good.

Ok. Ready. Set. Go.... hit me...

[suppo]

2x4 to the Face....Bam!!!!

Ok... Now big (((((MrsD)))) hugs!

[Mrs D]

Thanks Sup. I just thought that it was a nice thing to do one a beautiful Friday morning. Pursuing yes. Slightly. Maybe look at it that I brought them for the guys at work, and they could share with X if they wanted too? Im chucking as Im typing this BTW. It was a matter of not even five minutes I was there.