Done some reading tonight. Bought the 5 love languages book. Thanks for the suggestion Accuray. I started the book if I tell the truth to find a way to get my wife back. I have no shame in admitting this. The more I read though the more I stopped looking at where I went wrong with my wife (granted I did make mistakes) but it became clear any mistakes I was making is purely due to how my needs were not being met. Amazingly also I was sure before taking the test physical touch was going to be my highest number in my score but it wasn't. It was words of affirmation. I knew I liked that but I thought sex was my thing. Sex was a close second. My scores were :- Words of affirmation-10. Quality time - 6. Receiving gifts -5. Acts of service - 1. Physical touch - 8.
Ya know a year ago (before her dads death messed everything up) I knew all that. But with how messed up I've been I forgot what I was really after. My scores have giving me a sense of normality and not the ogre she's made me out to be.
Also, reading this helped me identify her love languages. And confirmed I knew and was always doing them. I also see after many months (am tempted to say years but am trying to be objective).(but I mean years) of me not getting my 2 love languages it was me who's tank was empty. She never filled it for me to give her back. And before someone jumps in. I put my needs to the side for so many months (ive been assured by everyone that knows me i put up with more than anyone should have and for longer than most would have) and still gave her what she needed. Quality time and acts of service followed by gifts. Trust me that's her needs. I know her that well.
I've been blaming myself for the last 3 months for her having an affair and believing her rubbish she's been telling me about how I left her alone (not true by the way. I stuck by her for months getting abused and punched (yes I mean violence) in her grief), she stopped feeding me what I needed long before her dad died but I know also I kept going through the pain trying and supporting her needs for a long long time. Longer than the time she felt alone.
I mean 2 and a half years I went without the needs being totally met. Running on a love tank half empty. And what she got left without for (and I'll be generous to her) 6 months and she went looking for some other guy and started her infatuation (love that I see it as that now. Makes me even more confident it's gonna fail).
Ok now to the more serious side. Do I start giving her her love languages. I think I will but under the guidance of what's suggested in the book. The book says "set myself a goal of giving her her love languages and if she walks away I know I unconditionally gave her her love laungages and she refused". Am thinking 6-9 months from today. That actually ties in with the divorce being final. If she's with another guy she might ignore it totally. But if so I have a clear conscience knowing I done all I could. In doing that though am not gonna be a doormat or take any crap or support her dating other guys. Thats the line am drawing. Not by getting angry you understand but by just finding a way to not be part of helping that.
She's selling the house and it needs work done. Am thinking this is my first and most important opening. Help fix stuff, anything she does to help say thanks good job. Service and also do the jobs together as in quality time.
She's under presure having to keep 2 dogs. (oh yea we don't have kids but the dogs are the babies). Take them out for her a couple of afternoons a week to give her a break. Service again. After a while suggest a walk together with them. Quality time (never talking about us or the relationship).
Take an interest in her job (always did but this is a good habit to keep up).
And try and after doing some work in the house or dogs sit and share a pizza (she concluded just before she dropped the bomb that's all we had in common, eating pizza)
Hopefully since am now mr thin and fit it could progress into me being invited to join her in one of her fitness classes. (if that happens I know am on the right track).
Long haul yea. Worth it for my peace of mind yea. Feel better about me and look back and think am a good guy yea. It's a win win situation for me. If she comes back (only lovingly though, not cause she's messed things up) I win. If she doesn't and goes off, I feel better about me. Win again.
Am tempted to let her read this book as its screaming out to me what went wrong and how simple the fix is. I'd hope she could see her lack long before I started not providing for her is the start and not when I stopped, but I know it's too soon to hit her with that stuff when she's so resistant (either because some other guy is filling her (I'll make out am using the love tank metaphor but we all know what am really meaning with filling her) or she's so empty she won't listen)
I see this as a major break through. I'd thought this stuff before but with no real confidence but the book confirmed it for me. I also see I can do this and still move on expecting nothing back and at the very least I'll feel good.
Thoughts and theory's and pitfalls I might not be seeing will be greatly appreciated if pointed out by you cleaver experience people :-)
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
