Oh and BTW, just because you moved out it doesn't mean that suddenly she has a bachelorette pad to sow her oats with any guy she pleases. It's your marital home...go back and reclaim it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Am very greatful to everyone who has contributed to my sitch. The home situation is working out better for me not being there. (my own place is part of my GAL). I couldn't afford the mortgage payments on my own (she's gonna and is struggling to fit the bills and payments). That all benifits me I believe in her realising "[censored], my life is not gonna be this bed of roses". Once her dads estate it all tied up (not long) she'll have well over �130000 to spend keepin the house afloat. With thr property market as slow as it is she's not gonn sell our home quickly. (her plan is to sell the house ASAP and move to the city).
Maybe my thinking is wrong in this respect and I hear the contributions being suggested by a few of yous. Her bring dumped with this house is all part of her great plan failing. I believe she's came up with this plan quickly without any thought and it's all gonna come crashing down around her (I suppose help her hit rock bottom)
I've had my share of the property asset in cash. Nothing in writing so I know I can screw her over if I want but I have no intention of doing so. To be honest getting out of the home will benifit me more rather that living everyday in our home filled with our dreams. She can sit and suffer that not me. I don't think she's so cold as to not experience this.
We have a deal that no guy comes into our marital home. She's agreed so far with this.
It seems to me the dating market she's finding to be a failure. This house is gonna fail around her so it's all good for my theory it might lift her fog.
Once again my gratitude to everyone who is contributing to my sitch.
Oh yea, is she a MLC, WAW, depression or just an ass?
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Ok I sent her an email a few days ago talking about how love is a decision not just a feeling and it's something that needs to be worked on with the attitude to making the choice to wake up everyday to be close to your partner not choose to distance yourself. (got that from DB).
This is her reply :- Got your email as well, I know you think I didn't try hard enough. We've discussed this a lot though so I don't know really what else you want me to say about it.
I honestly can't see or remember her trying. I've looked hard at myself too about this.
Am going to adopt the 24 hour rule before replying. What's my best move guys?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
:-I can't see where or when you REALLY tried!!!! Was it when I used to pop in to your office to say hi or offer you a tea and you'd bite my head off or growl at me. Was that when you tried? Was it when I used to come up to see you with the dogs and sit for a while to chat and you just wanted to read or watch a DVD. Was that when ya tried? Was it when I used to ask if you wanted to spend time with me and my kids and you didn't. Was that when ya tried? Was it when I came home after work and got into bed with ya to cuddle and you'd get up right away and go down stairs. Was that the attempt I missed when you tried? Was it when I tried to have an intimate sexual or otherwise relationship with you and you'd push me away or even better tell me to man up. Was that when you tried? Was it the nights when you emptied a bottle of wine into you. Was that the one i missed when ya tried?
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Done some reading tonight. Bought the 5 love languages book. Thanks for the suggestion Accuray. I started the book if I tell the truth to find a way to get my wife back. I have no shame in admitting this. The more I read though the more I stopped looking at where I went wrong with my wife (granted I did make mistakes) but it became clear any mistakes I was making is purely due to how my needs were not being met. Amazingly also I was sure before taking the test physical touch was going to be my highest number in my score but it wasn't. It was words of affirmation. I knew I liked that but I thought sex was my thing. Sex was a close second. My scores were :- Words of affirmation-10. Quality time - 6. Receiving gifts -5. Acts of service - 1. Physical touch - 8.
Ya know a year ago (before her dads death messed everything up) I knew all that. But with how messed up I've been I forgot what I was really after. My scores have giving me a sense of normality and not the ogre she's made me out to be.
Also, reading this helped me identify her love languages. And confirmed I knew and was always doing them. I also see after many months (am tempted to say years but am trying to be objective).(but I mean years) of me not getting my 2 love languages it was me who's tank was empty. She never filled it for me to give her back. And before someone jumps in. I put my needs to the side for so many months (ive been assured by everyone that knows me i put up with more than anyone should have and for longer than most would have) and still gave her what she needed. Quality time and acts of service followed by gifts. Trust me that's her needs. I know her that well.
I've been blaming myself for the last 3 months for her having an affair and believing her rubbish she's been telling me about how I left her alone (not true by the way. I stuck by her for months getting abused and punched (yes I mean violence) in her grief), she stopped feeding me what I needed long before her dad died but I know also I kept going through the pain trying and supporting her needs for a long long time. Longer than the time she felt alone.
I mean 2 and a half years I went without the needs being totally met. Running on a love tank half empty. And what she got left without for (and I'll be generous to her) 6 months and she went looking for some other guy and started her infatuation (love that I see it as that now. Makes me even more confident it's gonna fail).
Ok now to the more serious side. Do I start giving her her love languages. I think I will but under the guidance of what's suggested in the book. The book says "set myself a goal of giving her her love languages and if she walks away I know I unconditionally gave her her love laungages and she refused". Am thinking 6-9 months from today. That actually ties in with the divorce being final. If she's with another guy she might ignore it totally. But if so I have a clear conscience knowing I done all I could. In doing that though am not gonna be a doormat or take any crap or support her dating other guys. Thats the line am drawing. Not by getting angry you understand but by just finding a way to not be part of helping that.
She's selling the house and it needs work done. Am thinking this is my first and most important opening. Help fix stuff, anything she does to help say thanks good job. Service and also do the jobs together as in quality time.
She's under presure having to keep 2 dogs. (oh yea we don't have kids but the dogs are the babies). Take them out for her a couple of afternoons a week to give her a break. Service again. After a while suggest a walk together with them. Quality time (never talking about us or the relationship).
Take an interest in her job (always did but this is a good habit to keep up).
And try and after doing some work in the house or dogs sit and share a pizza (she concluded just before she dropped the bomb that's all we had in common, eating pizza)
Hopefully since am now mr thin and fit it could progress into me being invited to join her in one of her fitness classes. (if that happens I know am on the right track).
Long haul yea. Worth it for my peace of mind yea. Feel better about me and look back and think am a good guy yea. It's a win win situation for me. If she comes back (only lovingly though, not cause she's messed things up) I win. If she doesn't and goes off, I feel better about me. Win again.
Am tempted to let her read this book as its screaming out to me what went wrong and how simple the fix is. I'd hope she could see her lack long before I started not providing for her is the start and not when I stopped, but I know it's too soon to hit her with that stuff when she's so resistant (either because some other guy is filling her (I'll make out am using the love tank metaphor but we all know what am really meaning with filling her) or she's so empty she won't listen)
I see this as a major break through. I'd thought this stuff before but with no real confidence but the book confirmed it for me. I also see I can do this and still move on expecting nothing back and at the very least I'll feel good.
Thoughts and theory's and pitfalls I might not be seeing will be greatly appreciated if pointed out by you cleaver experience people :-)
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
"We have a deal that no guy comes into our marital home. She's agreed so far with this."
If you honestly believe this, I've got a bridge to sell you.
"It seems to me the dating market she's finding to be a failure. This house is gonna fail around her so it's all good for my theory it might lift her fog."
No. The main thing that will lift her fog is seeing that you're a changed man and actually an option for her.
"Oh yea, is she a MLC,"
No.
"WAW,"
She is a WAW.
"depression"
Possibly.
"or just an ass?"
If you had to throw this in, this shows how much work you have to do. How much work have you actually done on yourself?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Point taken and am learning pretty fast the work I need to do on myself. My excuse for that childish closing statement is pain, hurt and resentment. Working on that daily. Not a good excuse but it's an honest vent I can do on here.
Thanks for confirming the WAW. That's what I've concluded.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I've read your thread. Sorry for your pain. I really am. But your anger is NOT helpful and you don't sound reflective.
Like it's ALL about her father's death?
I don't believe it. My father's death SHOCKED me. My h was a rock, thank God. No pressure, no expectations. He let me heal.
When our d4 asked if I was "going to be sad everyday", I got help. And I got better. But I never had to worry how my h felt about my grief or HIS loneliness or HIS coping with me or HIS needs. He was part of the healing.
Maybe you tired of her grief and she sensed selfishness in you (I don't know, I'm spitballing)
but you say YOU were frustrated that you could not help her more and to me it sounded a bit more like you were frustrated that she wasn't healing fast enough, for YOU...
There are some couples who have a spouse facing loss and when one isn't THERE for the other, it can seem unforgivable to the one grieving.
Regardless
I've heard nothing about what you are working on to improve yourself as a partner.
Bottom line, Your w will only return to you if she believes that marriage to you
can be better/different than before. SO- Exactly how are you DEMONSTRATING to her that it can be?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You have certainly made me think. I won't try to respond yet as I want to really search deep to answer that. I will say as I first read your post I could feel in me what your saying.
I know I could have done more and yes been more patient on occasions. But I never completely left her alone.
Was I her rock. Not always. It wasn't I was frustrated she wasn't healing fast enough. I put no presure on her at all, I know I felt I couldn't do enough and wanted to do more but I was prepared to give her as much time as she needed. Maybe I wanted to be part of her healing process and share her recovery. I don't know exactly. It was a confusing time for everyone. I do know I tried different things and if something seemed to help i continue but then what worked one day might not the next but I knew she changed day to day also sometimes positive sometimes not.
Honesty. I could have done more. I could have been better ive know this for sometime that I made mistakes after her dad died. I guess just how major and how deeply they effected her view of me am maybe now finding out.
Ya know am writing this and I have a pretty low feeling about myself right now. I could have went the extra mile and been stronger. Honestly I would have given her as long as it took without askin for anything in return but I know also what I had to endure with abuse and violence from her and I took it without criticising.
I do know though from how am feeling thinking about this that I did let her down. I could have been more.
I guess if I get the chance I can only try and make up for it and in time hopefully she can trust me again.
It's not all about me.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I've been reading the comments left and yous have been asking what work I've done on myself. Am going to answer that honestly. I have been trying but not enough. Any changes I do make are temporary and I can slip back when I get upset or hurt. The one thing that has remained consistent is not to blame and to forgive her infidelity. I don't mention that anymore even if am hurt. I have ask though if she's seeing him now as a serious relationship (of course she refuses to answer that).
I know I have a long way to go. I know it's going to be hard but like it says I have time on my side. Yes I have a temper. Never physically violent ever but yes angry and use harsh words. I can see also from 25yearsmlc I have a selfish side sometimes. Especially lately since I've been hurt and it's like it's all about my pain. I know am not a bad guy tho and would help anyone and encourage and compliment anyones achievements.
Am glad yous are honest enough to show me my character defects that I have sometimes.
I need to work on myself. Start to find out who I am now and make changes to what I don't like about me. Change for me and hopefully show a side like people have said only a fool would leave.
The hard work starts today. A change for me that's going to be a life long change. I certainly don't want to be fake and someone am not to trick someone into liking me so it's going to be an honest change.
25yearsmlc, as much as it hurt and made me upset and not like myself your analysation really did make me look at myself. As strange as it seems to me to thank someone for upsetting me I'd like to say thanks for your honesty. I don't want people to say what I want to hear. I need the truth. Thank you.
I shall keep this post going with stories and changes but I've got enough out now about my situation and my pain so am going to start logging my changes and how am working on me. My first is to accept my part in what went wrong and stop putting all the blame on my wife. Face up to the hard reality that I did wrong things also.
I have always been honest. I don't lie. So with that in mind and behind this project of change I know I can make honest changes for the better in me. I hope it's not too little to late for my marriage but I know it's not to late for me to benifit from change for the future.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
