Oh Ali, that was so weird you posted because I was thinking on my way home tonight that I was going to post.
I've had such a lovely, but at the same time such a hard day today. I went to meet my lovely friend Zoe at the airport today as she is on her way back to New Zealand. She was like my best friend out there and lives out there and was visiting here for a week. It was so lovely to see her but at the same time really hard because she was like, just come back (I still have 3 months left on my visa there and can extend) and I was so happy there it was really tempting especially as I am here starting again, living back with my mum and dad and have no job and no money.
Then I went to meet my good friend from Uni, Hannah. She has just got engaged to her boyfriend and they have been together 10 years. In fact exh and I used to hang out with them cos we all got together around the same time. It kind of just brought up 'stuff' for me, around talking about old times and Ed's name naturally kept coming up and I just don't talk about him anymore.
Also, generally around my peers they are all getting engaged and married and I have to either have conversations around weddings where I have to pretend that I know nothing about it, if they don't know I used to be married, or else it's slightly awkward if they know I used to be married because obviously divorce is not something they want to think about and there I am - evidence that it can happen.
I guess it just makes me feel separate and different to them, not jaded exactly because I'm not at all, I have just had a different experience to them. It wasn't really the divorce as such, it was dealing with the affair, being left, selling our house and dividing the belongings, all that stuff that I hope they never have to go through and comprehend. Anyway, it all makes me feel very single, living at home and jobless and not having a clue as to what the next step should be.
I guess it brought to the surface what I have been feeling all summer since I got back. I also had a great and fun time seeing my lovely friends and having a laugh. In a way it makes me feel like I am young, because I have no job and am living like a teenager again (for the moment!) and then old, because I went through all that in my twenties.
