A very common trait amongst WAS's is that they want to control everything. They get frustrated and even angry when things do not go their way. Many times, IMO, this is the result of feeling like they never had any control and never got their way during the M. That was certainly true with my W.
The LBS has to put a stop to the WA having control over everything. She will run over you if you allow this ALL of the time. As Starsky likes to point out, she will begin to lose respect for you. Either consciously or subconsciously.
I believe that you have an opportunity here to turn this around a tad bit.
Her interest is piqued. But she still believes that she has control and can get you to ACT on her terms.
She didn't want to do it on your terms because that's not how she has it drawn up.
I would respond with a simple:
"I'm pretty much booked with friends and family while I'm up there. We'll have to talk another time. Talk to you soon."
This time, YOU use the 'talk to you soon' line. Maybe we'll get her wondering when she's going to hear from you, and NOT the other way around.
Make sense?
She will be frustrated with you, and may even be angry. So be it. Like I've said before, you are going to have to expect some of that as this progresses. It's a result of what I talked about above... realizing that she is not in control of YOU and your actions and choices.
I also want to remind you that such emotions are actually good signs.
If she didn't care, she would wouldn't worry about what you have to say.
Denver
Denver^^^^^,
Wholly cow this is awesome!!! Truly read my M to a T...Cheesin Rice I should post this on a word document and paste it to my forehead, so that I never forget it. And I am truly being serious.
Thanks so much for the hand Denver. I like that response so much that I used it almost verbatim... Only added her name at the end.
I've been chatting with a good friend via email about this situation, and she's brought up some fantastic points about needing to start taking some control back... to stop rolling over to every one of her needs and requests... She knows me VERY well and always has great insight for me.
I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a negative response to that last text, but it feels good to at least TRY to take some control here. As always, faithful readers, I'll keep you updated... And I'll commit to myself that I won't ACT on anything unless it's very measured, I'm in control of my own emotions, and I come here for help whenever it's necessary!
Love it, had it happen today!!! I have the kids most of this upcoming weekend however W wanted me to take the day off work tomorrow because she's at the end of her ropes with the kids, exhausted, etc...I said no in a fashion somewhat similar to Denver's above. Sure enough, W is pissed, leaving me vm's that "this isn't fair".
"Whatever H. I'm not sure what your problem is, but i'm done playing whatever game this is. I'm trying to accommodate your wishes and you're being a d!ck. But since you "can't", let me know when you want to talk about the money you owe me, switching my phone and insurance, and if I need to pay for the paperwork for all of this. Oh, and tell (MUTUAL FRIEND) F*** Y** for me. or better yet, I'll do it... I have her number still. Have a GREAT weekend, H"
Ouch...
Backstory on the Mutual friend... she seems to be convinced that we're hooking up, but I haven't actually even SEEN her since W left... She did join our fantasy football league recently, but I have NO idea where she's getting this anger toward HER from?!?!
I'm pretty sure you are all going to tell me not to respond, no matter how badly I want to...
"Whatever H. I'm not sure what your problem is, but i'm done playing whatever game this is. I'm trying to accommodate your wishes and you're being a d!ck. But since you "can't", let me know when you want to talk about the money you owe me, switching my phone and insurance, and if I need to pay for the paperwork for all of this. Oh, and tell (MUTUAL FRIEND) F*** Y** for me. or better yet, I'll do it... I have her number still. Have a GREAT weekend, H"
Ouch...
Backstory on the Mutual friend... she seems to be convinced that we're hooking up, but I haven't actually even SEEN her since W left... She did join our fantasy football league recently, but I have NO idea where she's getting this anger toward HER from?!?!
I'm pretty sure you are all going to tell me not to respond, no matter how badly I want to...
Help...
First, take a deep breath and relax.
WOW, that sounded familiar!
Seriously, I'm going to go find some similar situations that I faced and post them here so that you can see that this response is not out of the ordinary.
Tell me AT if you don't want me to post something like that here and I won't. It might let you see that you are not alone though. And, that this MAY be a good development.
Okay... so...
What money do you owe her? Is there any reason that you wouldn't want to switch her phone and insurance?
I realize that there is a certain level of connection that we still feel by continuing to be intertwined by finances, phone plans, insurance, and mailing address... HA ... I felt all of it. But in reality, those thing mean zilch.
So first let's decide if these are things that you want, or are okay with, to sever ties with her on.
I wouldn't reply until you have this figured out.
I have a suspicion that none of these particular things require a telephone conversation. That you can give her directions in a very business like email.
True?
Ignore her anger right now. It will subside... in other words, she'll get over it.
This very well may ultimately be a lead in to the conversation that you have been wanting to have with her. However, today is not the day.
Oh... and I also find it interesting that she is concerned about mutual friend.
Sit tight and keep posting here.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks Denver. I'm sitting tight... On my drive home from work, I actually felt a sense of relief in her response... Not sure why...
And I'd LOVE to read your similar situations! So PLEASE feel free to post them here!
So as to the money I "Owe" her... Before the bomb drop, but after I discovered pictures she'd sent to OM, when things were looking to be moving in a positive direction, we planned a trip to Vegas together to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. She paid for the hotel and plane on her Credit Cards... Well before the trip, she dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb and told me she was moving... so the trip never happened...
Before I began DBing, I told her that I'd pay her back for half of the non-refundable trip she booked... approx $500... So that's the money I owe her.
As I'm a man of my word, I plan on paying that back to her, and now that I've received my raise at work, It shouldn't be an issue in a month or so to do that.
You're 100% right on switching the phone and insurance... I know she's out of work (aside from the work she's doing for the small company that I own, but that's only paying a few hundred dollars a month) and I do indeed feel a connection in being able to continue to provide for her during these times. So the combination of me not wanting her to struggle too badly with finances and the slight connection I feel by being able to provide for at least a few of her basic needs is EXACTLY what's keeping me paying for those bills. I mean, it's only a couple hundred bucks a month total, and I can afford that.
You're right, I don't feel ANY need for a phone call to resolve those issues. I can write out an email next week to point out those details. I'll be sure to post that email here before I send though, as the advice of you folks is invaluable!
I too find it VERY interesting that she's so concerned about mutual friend... Let's call her J for the sake of brevity...
Now I may be revealing a bit too much here, but it's all anonymous right?
So while things were good with W and I, we became friends with J, who is an incredibly beautiful waitress at the bar we always watched football at on Sundays. W would always comment on how attracted to her that she was, and in the heat of passion, she would often bring up the fact that she wanted to invite J into the equation... I always played along in the heat of the moment, but never discussed it outside of those moments, although I know she wanted it sincerely...
Anyways, I KNOW she thinks that something is going on between J an I, but in all honesty, I've literally seen her ONE time since W moved away, and that was when she waited on us at the bar! We text occasionally (2-3 times a month) always about nonsense, but nothing more. I reached out to her last week, as we have a hole in our Fantasy Football league (since W decided to not play in it anymore) and I'd exhausted ALL my other options. She said that it sounded fun and joined... The posts of FB welcomed her into the league...
Again, I KNOW that W thinks something is going on between us, but it's absolutely not. As a matter of fact, a few months ago, J and I had an in depth conversation (via text) about how she cares deeply for W and doesn't want to complicate the situation by continuing to be my friend... I, at the time, didn't think it would be a big deal, as I'm 100% positive that nothing would EVER happen between us while I'm still married to W (or, most likely, even if we split for good) and she agreed... But ever since that conversation, we STILL haven't hung out.
Personal thoughts: I think W is projecting her situation with OM on me! I think she's trying to further justify what she's doing by saying "OH HE'S DOING IT TOO"... and I'm sure she'll be telling friends and family the same thing... But even though I'm NOT doing ANYTHING outside the bonds of marriage (i'm not doing ANYTHING that ANYONE would consider bad for a marriage) I think she's convinced herself that I'm having an A with J, because we talked about our mutual attraction to her, and now that W is hundreds of miles away (and with OM) she feels I'd think it's "Free Game" and would pounce on the opportunity.
Here's the truth: I haven't. I won't. I never would. I respect my M, and, as you all know, I'm fighting my a$$ off to bring M back on the right track...
But that can't change her mind!
So I'm not responding to her Text. If she calls, I'm ignoring the call. If she emails, I'm not responding until I post my response here and get the advice of you fine people...
I'm done making mistakes. I'm done being walked all over. I need to take some control and fight for ME AND my M.
In my opinion, you shouldn't even address the issue with J unless placed directly on the spot. And then only after careful thought into what your response will be.
I think that you ought to compose a well crafted email detailing, in very direct terms, what your W needs to do to make the changes to her insurance and other financial ties. I would tell her that you will send her a check for what you owe her by [date]. And keep to that.
This should be a very business like, stale, email...
"W, in response to your last text yesterday.... You need to do this, that, and this. I will mail you a check for the $500 that I owe you by [date]. I hope that you are well."
I'd do this tomorrow probably.
You can expect more fireworks. Maybe even before that email. Your instinct will be to respond and to try and temper down her anger. My advice is not to be drawn into her craziness.
IF ANYTHING, you could send a short response... "I will respond when we are both being respectful of one another. Talk to you soon."
I'm not even sure that I'd send that right now.
Let her stew. That's my opinion.
Denver
P.S. I will post some of my W's own vitriol in her responses to similar communications that I had with her. Maybe tomorrow if I have time.
Hang in there. You are doing fine.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
OHHH... and under no circumstance should you respond with anger or frustration.
You remain calm and kind under all circumstances.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
