Ok. Won't be responding to that... Thanks Denver and thanks for chiming in unbidden!
It's so hard not to mind-read here. My mind constantly wants to analyze and analyze and over-analyze every exchange we had...
Maybe journaling it will help... (I realize these are all rhetorical questions that have no answers, but putting them down might help me clear my mind)
Why is she so insistent that she not see me when she comes to pack her stuff? Is she afraid that the decisions she's made might not hold up if we're in the same room? Or can she not face me knowing that OM is in the picture?
What are these "Decisions" she's been making that she feels we should talk about? And why was she trying to talk about them NOW? During the middle of a work-day on a Thursday?
And what does "Wow. Yet Again" mean? This is the one I'm most spinning over... Is this a pattern with me that W sees, but I haven't? Is she commenting on how quickly I changed my mind from wanting to see her in person to agreeing that we'd talk "some other time"? Is the fact that she's showing some anger here a good sign or a bad one? Is this even anger? Or is it just helping her solidify these "decisions" she's making.
"I'm glad that you're making your deisions, as I am, too. Again, I appreciate the offer, but I don't feel good about you helping me move... I've got (Friend's name) and we can handle it. I'm trying to keep this as stress free and peaceful as possible for both of us."
I will not be responding to that text, as I've already screwed up enough and my emotions are quite positively in overdrive right now...
Actually, I would respond AT.
"That works. We'll talk another time. Have a great day!"
Here is an exercise to remove mind reading from your inability to act.
We used to do this at university all the time to stop from mind reading.
Case 1 : Wife says or does this : What I am mind reading
Your response : What you think you would do with that premise.
Outcome : What you think the logical outcome is.
Case 2 : Complete opposite of what I am mind reading.
Your response : What you think you would do with that premise.
Outcome : What you think the logical outcome is.
Case 3 : Something inbetween
Your response : What you think you would do with that premise.
Outcome : What you think the logical outcome is.
Case 4 : Never happens
Your response : What you think you would do with that premise.
Outcome : What you think the logical outcome is.
Now look over your responses and outcome.
Do you see any overlapping similarities.
Record them as Outcome 1
Do you see an differences ?
Record them as Outcome 2
Now with 2 outcomes.
Set them up as Case 1 and Case 2
Go through the process again.
At about this time.
You will think.
There really is no outcome that I can control when I am basing it around what I think this person may or may not do.
But I do know that there are only a few outcomes to this.
So I will scrap the mind reading.
And prepare based on what I can control.
Myself.
The benefit of this thought process is that if the conversation happens to flow in one of the cases written above. You have a good idea of where to lead the conversation.
Homework.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks Chatterbug... I think you're thinking I'm insane.
This whole "Not Fighting for Me" thing keeps suddenly flashing into my mind... Like she's making up her mind more and more each day that she sees me "not fighting"...
No one said this was gonna be easy... I really have to remember patience... Today was a failure in that category.
Background on that last text: I'm going up to Central Florida this weekend to hang with my family for a bit and do a couple fantasy football drafts. She previously told me she was going to the beach with her parents throughout the weekend. I didn't ask to see her at that time... but now she's reaching out.
I won't be driving up to C.FL, as I'm riding up there with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and puppy... So I'm kind of at their mercy when it comes to when we're leaving... Originally the plan was to leave C.FL on Sunday to try to beat the Labor Day traffic... I'm sure if I asked, they'd let me borrow the car for this...
However, Sunday will be pretty busy for me, at least in the morning... My fantasy draft starts at 10:00 am, and will probably go until about 2...
I know I want to have this conversation, and I don't think i'll ever feel "ready" to have it... but I'm not sure about if I should agree to this Sunday or not...
Unfortunately, It's my best option, as my car is on its last legs, and taking a trip up to Orlando some other time would be much tougher without having to rent a car...
Or I could just make her sweat it out a bit while I continue to prepare myself...
Starsky's post yesterday, about naval gazing v action taking is front of mind right now...
Or I could just make her sweat it out a bit while I continue to prepare myself...
Personally? I don't do this on her terms.
With all due respect to Chatterbug, I will attempt to mind read here. Yes, I do agree that this is a futile effort. However, I think that sometimes when we are deciding our next move, we need to try and figure out what move our opponent is trying to make. I like to play Risk. I kind of find some similarities. Kinda kidding. LOL...
I think that her text "Wow... yet again" or whatever says two things:
1) She is wondering wtf decisions that you have made and is frustrated that you didn't agree to talk to her about it immediately ON HER TERMS. So, she is trying to bait you.
2) It may have been another play on this "you don't fight for me" theme.
Regardless, I would advise not biting.
A very common trait amongst WAS's is that they want to control everything. They get frustrated and even angry when things do not go their way. Many times, IMO, this is the result of feeling like they never had any control and never got their way during the M. That was certainly true with my W.
The LBS has to put a stop to the WA having control over everything. She will run over you if you allow this ALL of the time. As Starsky likes to point out, she will begin to lose respect for you. Either consciously or subconsciously.
I believe that you have an opportunity here to turn this around a tad bit.
Her interest is piqued. But she still believes that she has control and can get you to ACT on her terms.
She didn't want to do it on your terms because that's not how she has it drawn up.
I would respond with a simple:
"I'm pretty much booked with friends and family while I'm up there. We'll have to talk another time. Talk to you soon."
This time, YOU use the 'talk to you soon' line. Maybe we'll get her wondering when she's going to hear from you, and NOT the other way around.
Make sense?
She will be frustrated with you, and may even be angry. So be it. Like I've said before, you are going to have to expect some of that as this progresses. It's a result of what I talked about above... realizing that she is not in control of YOU and your actions and choices.
I also want to remind you that such emotions are actually good signs.
If she didn't care, she would wouldn't worry about what you have to say.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
