Divorced #3

[Carnac]

This is where you have to be able to stop your thoughts...read your goals and realize that those thoughts are in no way helpful to reaching your goals whatever they are.

I wish I could give you a good stop thought method....some say close your eyes and picture a stop sign....some say imagine a sign flashing the words 'not helpful'....honestly for me neither of those worked. I picked up a thing from someone on here. Its posted below i'd give credit but I can't remember whose thread it was on honestly, but I wrote this stuff out on a notecard and wrote my goals out on the other side and i use it often to stop my thoughts.
I think I posted it before b/c you joked about having red cheeks but it really has helped me.

Do this every 20 minutes or whenever your thoughts go awry
then when you can last 20 mins, stretch it out to 30, but don't go beyond every hour on the hour for at least 1 week.

If I do the following, I will find the right solution for whatever I am facing in this moment

[b]When I think about Tracy or anything to do with her I will
1. slap myself on the face (one sharp quick tap on the cheeck with your hand)
2. rub some ice on my wrists/pop my wrist rubberband
3. say to myself "Mark, you are not reaching for your goal here"

Then I will go do something that feels good to ME:
1. read a thread or article
2. read my goals list
3. do something physical (e.g.. of something physical – push ups, run up and down the stairs etc)

[Mrs D]

MrsD: I've been where you are right now, and even now feel things like that creaping up on me. Crap 6 years ago I would borrow cars that she wouldnt recognize from friends and follow her around. Trust me when I tell you that there is NO good that can come of that. You know their hanging out, they probably do have plans for the weekend...all you can do is accept it and keep going forward.

Tell me this, if he were to call you right now and tell you that they were going away this weekend and thats why he needed you to watch your son would it change anything?

Nope - not at all. Actually it would probably send me into a further frenzy. I just hate that they creep in you know? Im good now. I didnt text him or anything. Actually sent a text to my SIL to see what they were doing Saturday. I try to do my breathing techs, and even try to meditate while Im at my desk.. just sometimes, I cant kick them out. Its frustrating.

[Mrs D]

Yeah I remember you had posted that before. I just hate that some of my time is wasted thinking of them. Even when I am working hard, and bam - there they are. I just am frustrated with myself so much right now because I am the reason I am here. If I would have just taken care of my marriage, I wouldnt be worried about what they are doing. Grr... And this is the reason why I cannot forgive myself Carnac. I fault myself for ALL of this. Even though, yes he had a hand in it - I am the one that didnt take care of us in the end.

[Carnac]

Well trust me when i tell you that no matter what you did, it is in no way ALL your fault. No one person can cause the failure of a marriage, i'll get blasted on here for defending your EA and trust me when I tell you that im the first person to say how wrong they are, but if your marriage wasn't missing something then those things can't take hold.

You are a good person period. Thats all there is to it and sometimes good people make mistakes, and sometimes good people lose their way for a bit and don't act like good people but theres no way you caused ALL of this. If you caused all of this then you could fix all of this.

[Mrs D]

Well trust me when i tell you that no matter what you did, it is in no way ALL your fault. No one person can cause the failure of a marriage, i'll get blasted on here for defending your EA and trust me when I tell you that im the first person to say how wrong they are, but if your marriage wasn't missing something then those things can't take hold.

You are a good person period. Thats all there is to it and sometimes good people make mistakes, and sometimes good people lose their way for a bit and don't act like good people but theres no way you caused ALL of this. If you caused all of this then you could fix all of this.

Yeah - the EA was awful. I really wish I would have thought of what he was dealing with when I was doing all those texts. It was stupid. The whole thing was. Now I have to deal with my actions. Ill fix it. Or - Ill fix me. And I know this will NEVER happen again. Whether its with him, or anyone else for that matter.

[suppo]

Yeah I remember you had posted that before. I just hate that some of my time is wasted thinking of them. Even when I am working hard, and bam - there they are. I just am frustrated with myself so much right now because I am the reason I am here. If I would have just taken care of my marriage, I wouldnt be worried about what they are doing. Grr... And this is the reason why I cannot forgive myself Carnac. I fault myself for ALL of this. Even though, yes he had a hand in it - I am the one that didnt take care of us in the end.

Wholly Schnikey's Girlfriend!

You are way too hard on yourself! Yes you made some mistakes & yes you respond by emotion way too much (as do we all, trust me). But by no means are you 100% to blame for everything that happened in your R!!!

God made us very Falible creatures, who make mistakes & sin repeatedly.

I think one of your immediate goals should be to start FORGIVING yourself!!

You made some mistakes, now move past them & work on correcting the things that bother you most about yourself.

I know that this is easier for me to preach to you sitting out here in the cheap seats, but I see a lot of me in you. For a long time at the beginning of my sitch, I blamed everything entirely on myself & kept telling myself what a horrible fricken JackA$$ I was (granted I was, but who's counting...LoL). My W made a lot of mistakes as well, but it is not for me to judge any of them, because who is to say that if I did everything right, I wouldn't still be here in this sitch??

Make no mistake, I may seem like I have it all together & am ready to move on with my life. But TRUST me when I say, I want nothing more than my W and I to reconcile & have 50 years of bliss ahead of us, rolling down the beach in our scooters from the scooter store. But I also know that neither of us would make it together for another 50 years right now, until we work on our own issues.

Keep it up Girl! We will all keep you grounded, but you have to truly look within & tell yourself that it is ok to make mistakes.

God Speed My Freshman!

[suppo]

Well trust me when i tell you that no matter what you did, it is in no way ALL your fault. No one person can cause the failure of a marriage, i'll get blasted on here for defending your EA and trust me when I tell you that im the first person to say how wrong they are, but if your marriage wasn't missing something then those things can't take hold.

You are a good person period. Thats all there is to it and sometimes good people make mistakes, and sometimes good people lose their way for a bit and don't act like good people but theres no way you caused ALL of this. If you caused all of this then you could fix all of this.

Looks like my PMA is rubbing off on you Carnac!! Sweeeeeet!!

We are all good people! We all just made some mistakes along the way. What makes us even better people, according to the LORD, as well as MWD; is that we recognized those mistakes & are now trying to correct them before we go too far down the rabbit hole.

Of course on the other side, we had to get hit with a 2x4 in the junk, to have a wake-up call. God knows I have prayed to him many many times to make this all go away, but we all know that he gives us lessons in life in order to persevere!

I for one will persevere no matter what!!! Now who's with me??

[Carnac]

You know im in. And your right suppo I have been much more positive the last couple of weeks....and I like it. Stop praying for it to go away and start praying that you can learn what your supposed to, cause I really believe that until we learn whatever it is we're supposed to learn from this we're gonna be stuck.

[Mrs D]

Thanks Sup. I know I need to forgive myself, and yes, I am hard on myself for the part I played in the mess. True, he did somethings in our marriage that he didnt want to take his part in - but since then he did try to change some things. Not all of them, but he did try. I still hadnt forgiven myself (obviously) so I pushed him away. Alot.

Im working on it. Trust me. Because like I said last night - I have to forgive myself. Otherwise, I will never truly love myself or another the CORRECT way.

[Mrs D]

You know im in. And your right suppo I have been much more positive the last couple of weeks....and I like it. Stop praying for it to go away and start praying that you can learn what your supposed to, cause I really believe that until we learn whatever it is we're supposed to learn from this we're gonna be stuck.

Every morning, I still pray for strength to get me down this road to learn more about the reasons why I am the way I am. Still praying for patience as well because my mind wigs me out all the time - you all know that.. And its funny you say that you need to learn the reasons why we are where we are right now. I had that thought the other night that God brought us together, because he wants us to be a family. But maybe he took us apart for me to fix me. And maybe for X to realize what it was that he had and maybe appreciate me more? And the reason why this is what I think about him is because this girl hes seeing Ive heard is extremely jealous and possessive, insecure and just down right crazy in her relationships. I was the complete opposite and that could be what makes him realize what it was that he had?

IDK - another one of my brain storming nights that we both need to go through this for different reasons Im guessing.