Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

I just took the 5 Love Languages online assessment and the result was Words of Affirmation. I hope to be able to start the book soon. I am already seeing that I am communicating with H in the way that I want to be communicated to, but I am not sure if that is what he wants/needs. I do not know if he would take the assessment, and we are not at a point where I would even ask.

[hopefulinga]

An uneventful evening last night. H thanked me for dinner and told me it was very good. Tacos. I'm glad I can't screw that up. Well, I guess I could if I changed the brand of taco seasoning.

I am under a good bit of stress because I am behind in my work and no matter how hard I try, I keep getting further behind. I am trying to not let it spill over at home.

I talked with a client of mine yesterday, who is also becoming a friend. She has no idea what has been going on at home. But we were talking about difficulties communicating with our spouses. I know that H and I are not the only ones who have issues. Obviously, DB wouldn't exist if we were. Sometimes H makes me feel like we are, which I try to ignore.

[AnotherStander]

I am already seeing that I am communicating with H in the way that I want to be communicated to, but I am not sure if that is what he wants/needs. I do not know if he would take the assessment, and we are not at a point where I would even ask.

Yeah, I think that's what we all take away from that book is that we try to force our own love language on others! He probably won't want to take the assessment, but you can do like I did with W, I just read the 5 categories to her and gave her a brief description of each and asked which she thought she was. But don't limit your demonstrations of love to that one category, you can focus on the one you think he is while still showing love in the other categories as well. That's the approach I've been taking, per DB I never say "ILY" to W because she quit saying it, so I'm showing it to her through the 5 languages rather than saying it to her.

[mamabird]

Hi Inga,
Just wanted to say hang in there today. You have so much on your plate, I honestly don't know how you do it.

Your H relies on you and depends on you for a lot. He knows how capable and strong you are and he admires those qualities in you. He feels shame when you end up taking care of household projects that he knows he was supposed to do. Shame is a tough emotion, especially for men. So instead of saying "Thanks for taking care of that," he lashes out. Even though he's not living up to his responsibilities, deep down he WANTS to be the big man and your hero.

What I have found to be most helpful is to try to figure out what they are REALLY saying and feeling when they lash out like that. Then, if you can take yourself out of the equation, you can address it neutrally, but lovingly.

How has work been going for him and how is his health? He's at an age where he's starting to see his own mortality (esp. after the death of your friend) and he is likely depressed about those things. He may feel that he has let you down. He was the one who told you that H and W were supposed to be equals, and he probably feels like he's not living up to that. His running away response is frustrating (my H does it too), but he copes by licking his wounds.

I started re-reading DR and it reminded me to focus on very small changes. Change begets change. So, if you get a chance to do a little positive reinforcement with him, it may lighten the mood up a little bit. Remember, he wants to be your hero but is feeling paralyzed about it too. Very gradually and gently helping him get unstuck may help you start to break the ice.

[hopefulinga]

Hi LA,

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I am pretty good at ignoring him and what he says. Othertimes, not so much. I wasn't really offened when he got mad about the handyman because the stuff needed to be done. And he's never said anything since then. Also, I've gotten the handyman with out telling him, so I need to make sure I keep him informed so he has some say so in the matter.

The only time I really get bothered about him not living up to his responsibilites is when I see him bend over backwards for other people. Part of this is because he has no spine to say no. It makes me feel like our relationship is not important enough to him.

I am really trying to listen to what he is saying and not react as much. And I am thanking him and giving positive reinforcement. When he thank me for dinner, I told him that I was glad he liked it, and I thanked him for thanking me and told him how much I appreciate it.

You are right about the running away. I've watched him run from other problems instead of dealing with them.

His work is still pretty crazy and who knows about his health. He doesn't go to the doctor. I am sure he is seeing his own mortality after the 2 recent deaths. And I've thought for a while that he has some depression, which he will not deal with. I never thought about him feeling like he's let me down. I've will have to ponder over how that can affect him and what I can do to let him know he hasn't.

He will be going away again next weekend and I will try to do a little more reading. I'm also taking some notes. I tend to over think things, which can cloud the ability to recognize the small changes. My analysis skills make it hard because I try to analyze what he does and says to me. I am trying to stop that and take it for what it is.

[hopefulinga]

Also, I am feeling a little guilty/nervous. I have to do something after work that I haven't told H about yet. I didn't want him to have to take D to dinner 3 nights this week like he did a few weeks ago. So, I am going to drop D off with him and tell him I will pick up some dinner but may be a few minutes late.

Part of me doesn't feel guilty because over the past 2 months, he's been more late than on time. However, I am not trying to be vengful with my being late tonight. I am going to make up for it with a nice steak dinner tomorrow night.

[~ kd ~]

Just catching up, Inga.

Your post yesterday was great. Good job on ignoring your H's bad behaviour. And as you can, encourage his good behaviours. And it's unfortunate about your friend who taught you in the first plane. It's understandable that would be the first your H would want to let go.

I do wonder how much of your interaction with your H is personality and how much of it is carried over from your job / work. Is it possible that you treat most interactions with your H as a negotiation?

How would you like "your man"? Do you want him to stand up to you? Do you enjoy being in the driver seat? I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just asking. I'm wondering if an issue your H has is your dominant, take charge personality?

ie. He SAID he was going to fix things, like the lamp... probably WANTED to fix things, like the lamp... in the end... he knew (is this a pattern) that you would eventually get it done yourself... so his pattern could be more of the same "see, any time I say I'll do something, you just go over my head, anyhow..."

Like I said, just curious. Maybe some food for thought.

[hopefulinga]

Hi KD,

I am still trying to ignore bad behavior. Got a little bit last night, but I am not going to let him draw me in right now. He's still all over the place with his attitude towards me. He used to tell me "It's not what you say, it's how you say it". I wish he would take his own advice. On the bright side, the D word has not come up in over a month.

I do wonder how much is my personality and how much is my job. H often tells me to stop cross examining him, but I know that part of my communication style is to question if I do not get enough facts to understand what is going on or to make a decision. And that my questioning comes off as attacking. My dad said that he can completely see me "challenging" my H, which is one of H's biggest complaints.

Would I like H to be a little more in charge? Yes. 3 years for the lamp was beyond reasonable to wait. Some of the pictures were 5 years. I feel like I get in a Catch 22. Ask and nag, or get it done myslef at some point. I start to feel like we are not a priority at home. He also has more unfinished projects than I can count.

I think sometimes he likes the take charge personality, but not all the time. He likes knowing that I can get things done on my own because then it is one less thing he has to worry about and go about his business with his hobbies. But does he then look like a failure? I don't know. I had a discussion with my IC a few months ago about an issue I was waiting to see if H would handle. I cannot remember the exact issue. Whatever it was, H did not do it. If I recall, H said he was going to handle it, didn't and then I did. I can choose not to continue this pattern. H promised to the cable up to D's TV months ago. She continues to ask, it is still not done. She told me last night that H told her he would do it soon. I will not fix that, so if he doesn't do it, she won't have cable.

Another issue IC thinks we have is that H can't see me as a person independent of himself. H got mad at me one day when we went to D's school to register her. We were in separate cars. I did not grow up in this town and I knew of one way to get to the school, which was behind the building in a large parking lot. H called and asked where I was. He was in the front in the driveway of the school. His comment was something along the lines of "See, we can't even get to the school the same. We are so different we have no business together." Really? I told him that I didn't know how to get to where he was. He gets frustrated if I am different than him and don't completely agree with his ideas and opinions. I feel like I get snuffed out as an individual.

[hopefulinga]

I met with our deceased friend's wife today and we talked for a long time and it was good to talk to her. I told her what I knew about the accident and answered her questions, which made her feel better. Someone gave her a video of the crash and she told me that I am on the short list to see it. I told her that I really didn't think I could handle it, but my H would probably like to see it. She said ok.

I called H to let him know and he does want to see it. I asked him to keep it private and he said he would. I know that he will appreciate this and he needs some answers/closure. We still haven't really talked about the accident, and I will not bring it up.

Small progress, H is mostly answering the phone when I call because I now only call if I need him for something. And most of the time his tone is fairly pleasant.

Somedays I wish it were easy to turn off this overanalyzing brain!!

I hope to do some DB this weekend and maybe start some of the other books that I purchased. My new Bible came in yesterday, so now I can do what I was doing at the prayer tower.

It's odd how I used to be so comfortable around H, and now I just don't know what to do or say sometimes. Dinner last night was very quiet. He came home late and didn't say much. I made a little bit of small talk and then quit.

[mamabird]

OMG, I have heard "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" about a million times. And yet, here I am on the DB board. So I guess that didn't sink in....

Sounds like your H is grasping at straws a little bit regarding your differences. I know mine would do almost the same thing - it's like he has to come up with an excuse (no matter how silly) to "prove" that you don't belong together. Does your H know how to argue constructively? Mine is conflict avoidant because somewhere deep inside he thinks that disagreement = rejection. There is no such thing as "agree to disagree" in our house. I feel that my H does not respect our differences; he rejects our differences. Is that what yours is doing too?

Regarding the handyman stuff, it must be endlessly frustrating to have those projects unfinished. It would drive me crazy, I know that, and then I would probably nag my H. Tough stuff to ignore. If you ever get to a place where you are working on things, I would definitely bring this up with him. It sounds like he's got a sticking point there - why does he have so many unfinished projects?