Thank you very much Accuray. I just read Arsene's recent post on anger and it was an eye opener for me. It’s another reason why I need to get lined up with an IC, which I will be doing. During my marriage I slept on the couch forever! Sex was very minimal, not by my choice. As MWD says, I was “going down the cheeseless tunnels.”
Reflecting on our marriage is hard for me however I have so much to work through to make myself a better ME regardless of the outcome. I’ve had a ton of adversity to overcome growing up and I am sure some of my shortcomings came out in our marriage.
Back to the point I am trying to make. I swept all our marriage problems under the rug for so long. I don’t know why I expected them to fix themselves, part of me just didn’t know how to fix them. Arsene’s and Carnac’s recent comments talk about how anger can really do a ton of harm at pushing W away, and that’s what I have gone through. Both my W and I dealt with anger. I always internalized it, I rarely yell or fight back. I guess I didn't know how to communicate in a effective way.
I heard a comment yesterday that really struck a chord with me. It went something like, self-esteem and confidence is gained by achievements. As some of you already know, one of my shortcomings over the years is that I wasn’t a good enough provider for our family. I’ve been loving and caring over the years, just not in the way W wants. I guess that's where the love languages come into play.
I know I am all over the place right now. Another point I want to make before I wrap up this post. I feel I am putting to much energy thinking about my W and not enough energy thinking about me. I think Denver made a comment about overanalyzing W to much and by doing so, it can really beat yourself down. I am going to “try” to take the focus of my W as much as I can. I get so distracted because she will always be in my life for one reason or another. I see her because of the kids exchange and then I receive the texts and emails. For the most part, when W and I correspond I should process whatever I am dealing with and then get my mind on something else.
I am going to try my best to refrain from saying anything negative about my W. Her emails and texts can get distracting.I should respond to some of them and I understand the importance of being very careful with my words and then at the same time not overanalyzing things. Its such a hard balancing act.
W wants me to take tomorrow off work because she wants a break from the kids. I didn’t respond to her video game request yesterday because I needed to answer as finance question she had. I will respond to her request for me to take a day off. In a effort to be somewhat self-sufficient, please let me know if you think I am getting the hang of things.
Hi- That makes sense. I truly understand and can appreciate your need for a break however I have several important work commitments scheduled for tomorrow.
Right now, the BIGGEST thing I struggle with is making sure I am doing my best to take the right approach when I interact with W. My W may or may not be having a PA. IMO, chances are very likely. If I was to “guess “ it’s not a long term thing. Yes, lots of speculation here and to be honest, I don’t feel like tackling the subject with W. Others on this board have told me that my W might want to come back to me if I make some consistent changes, I really hope there’s truth to that.
Here’s the question that’s SO hard for me to answer. My W is pissed today, that’s ok right? As Denver put it. “she’s no longer in control of me” and he also said “emotion shows that she cares.” No doubt, I am seeing this in W.
Do you think the fundamentals still apply to my sitch on how I handle my responses to W ?
I am not taking the day off work tomorrow as W keeps hasseling me about. Even though I already emailed her to let her know this. She just left me a mean vm saying “thanks for ignoring my calls” and “sorry if I am inconviencing you because of a hot date you have planned”, BTW, that’s the farthest from the truth. As of now, my responses arent consistant enough and it’s exhausing me!
I feel like a simple follow up response in the next couple hours might be a good idea. Maybe something as simple as. “Hi- I cannot take the day off tomorrow however if I can get off work a couple hours early, I will be more then happy to pick the kids up early” I just don’t know!!!!
It is so hard Rough. I definitely relate to your predicament. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right. Feel your way through your sitch using your instincts and DB as your guide.
I may think about this some more and get back to you with some more thoughts.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Rough: thanks for checking in on my thread, I was just reading your post about anger and honestly it sounds just like my wife and i only reversed. Obviously from the snide comments your wife makes she is very much like I was, and if you internalize and don't say anything then your just like my wife.
Let me tell you we can probably help one another more than you can imagine, I can tell you that my snide comments and outbursts were done to get my way simple as that. If I didnt like the way you did something today, or if you ticked me off over something then I made the snide comment and maybe used a little bit of passive agressiveness by not talking or at the very least being short so you dang well knew I was ticked off. Why did I do this? Because the next time you were in a similar situation you'd do it my way, or you'd at least try to make sure and please me so you didnt have to deal with that again. I hate admitting that, writing that out hurts me more than I can tell you, but its the truth and it stems from selfishness....i always want my way.
My wife on the other hand would be mad as heck and say that everything was fine. I've seen texts, emails and heard conversations that not only made me into a monster, but showed just how much repressed anger she was carrying around. I was close 6 months ago to losing my job with a company i've spent almost 20 years with and am on track to one day run....her text to her best friend was that she was sick of hearing me whine about it and she didnt care if I lost it or not....this was 2 days after it happened. But honestly we most likely ML that very day b/c she wouldnt want me to know she was upset b/c i'd want to talk about it and 'fix' it and she would rather just not face it.
Anyway, long winded post and i'll try to give you some more tomorrow, but I was shocked when you wrote that, and then when i saw your wife's texts it looked like something I would have written 4 months ago if we had split then.
I want to try and help you here. I hate to ask this, but can you sum up where your sitch is right now?
You say that you believe W is probably having an A. Why do you believe that? Why don't you want to ask her?
The issue with you child is a tough one for me because I did not have to deal with that in my own situation. I have step son, but I clearly did not have the same responsibility, nor did my W have the same expectations of me, as you are dealing with.
I think that declining her request that you take a day off from work so that she could have break was the right thing to do.
Why does she need a break? Didn't school just begin?
Was there any issues with you not co-parenting on a 50-50 split? In other words, did she complain that you weren't doing your share?
I'm sorry that I have so many questions. Maybe I have missed the answers in your other posts. I admit that my reading of your thread has been spotty. Sorry.
Regardless, I think that the bottom line for you is going to be the same as it is for many posters. You are facing a delicate balance of trying to demonstrate positive changes with also protecting yourself.
I might be better able to opine with some answers to the questions above.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Carnac, your spot on regarding my W, I got a chuckle out of your “long winded post” comment, far from it. I am a serious rambler. Hopefully, I can pick your brain a bit. Denver, thank you so much for taking the time to help. Once again, your new thread for the freshman class is extremely helpful. To answer your questions. “I want to try and help you here. I hate to ask this, but can you sum up where your sitch is right now”?
We are in standstill mode. Going on the 5th month of separation. W moved out 5 months ago and has her own apartment on a 9 month lease. Even though I understand I am not supposed to believe a lot of what she’s said, there’s a couple bold statements she’s made.
Email from W, month two of separation.
“I don't want you to be miserable - I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had. And I don't even know what you are thinking about us”?
Text from W, month four of separation.
“I hate to tell you this via text but there is no way in hell we are getting back together! Everything needs to be cordial and for the kids, but our financial issues are exactly why I left! I want a divorce! I can’t believe where we are” “You say that you believe W is probably having an A. Why do you believe that? Why don't you want to ask her”?
Before our separation she was doing some very questionable things on the computer, text, drunkin girls trip to vegas, etc… I have a strong hunch but no concrete proof and I won’t snoop. To be frank, I don’t really want to know. I also believe in a earlier post, you might have mentioned that if you don’t think you can handle the answer then don’t ask. Denver, I won’t be addressing this with W. Other’s on this board have told me the signs of ongoing A are usually clear. As I mentioned, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s messed around but I don’t think it’s with one particular person. Once again, a lot of assumptions. “Why does she need a break? Didn't school just begin”?
We have the visitation schedule all worked out, kids start school next week however this was the only week the kids didn’t have childcare so W was exhausted. That should somewhat work itself out. I get the kids this weekend and they start school next week.
“Was there any issues with you not co-parenting on a 50-50 split? In other words, did she complain that you weren't doing your share”?
I have always been a very involved father, I am very good at it, I do my share and stick to our visitation schedule.
I would always smother and pursue W when we lived together. Our marriage became pure crap!!! I felt I still had the emotional and physical connection with W until the end, or at least I tried to think that. W on the other hand, seems to have checked out a while ago. I cant put my finger on the exact time this took place but my guess is a couple years ago when our financial situation tanked.
W took off her wedding ring a couple weeks after we separated. As a lot of experience, W is now dressing top notch, looks better then ever, gets drunk and goes out with friends. We had 2 joint counseling sessions early on in our separation, W cried a ton and she said our separation has been a "breath of fresh air” and a lot of “weight has been taken off her shoulders.”
To summarize, I can write and overanalyze things until I am blue in the face, improving the financial situation is a very high priority. I understand there’s not a concrete roadmap since every sitch is different however I need to be somewhat consistent when communicating with W. After explaining MY SIDE of our sitch, several people have speculated that my W might want to come back. (I try not to have any expectations).
What do you think from what I've said so far? Do you feel my approach at this point should be similar to others? Should I take a somewhat softer approach? Personally, I prefer to respond to W in a very cut and dry way. I try to be a bit understanding, at the same time I get to the point. I am very guarded right now, W and I have minimal communication other than logistics regarding the kids. Enough babble for now.
We are in standstill mode. Going on the 5th month of separation. W moved out 5 months ago and has her own apartment on a 9 month lease. Even though I understand I am not supposed to believe a lot of what she’s said, there’s a couple bold statements she’s made.
Email from W, month two of separation.
“I don't want you to be miserable - I don't want that for any of us!!! Our kids deserve the very best parents that we can give them. I just know that unless you can be the family's financial rock and backbone every day, week, month and year from now until forever, that I can't return to what we had. And I don't even know what you are thinking about us”?
Text from W, month four of separation.
“I hate to tell you this via text but there is no way in hell we are getting back together! Everything needs to be cordial and for the kids, but our financial issues are exactly why I left! I want a divorce! I can’t believe where we are” “You say that you believe W is probably having an A. Why do you believe that? Why don't you want to ask her”?
Before our separation she was doing some very questionable things on the computer, text, drunkin girls trip to vegas, etc… I have a strong hunch but no concrete proof and I won’t snoop. To be frank, I don’t really want to know. I also believe in a earlier post, you might have mentioned that if you don’t think you can handle the answer then don’t ask. Denver, I won’t be addressing this with W. Other’s on this board have told me the signs of ongoing A are usually clear. As I mentioned, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s messed around but I don’t think it’s with one particular person. Once again, a lot of assumptions. [color:#009900]
W took off her wedding ring a couple weeks after we separated. As a lot of experience, W is now dressing top notch, looks better then ever, gets drunk and goes out with friends. she said our separation has been a "breath of fresh air” and a lot of “weight has been taken off her shoulders.”
Personally, I prefer to respond to W in a very cut and dry way. I try to be a bit understanding, at the same time I get to the point. I am very guarded right now, W and I have minimal communication other than logistics regarding the kids. Enough babble for now.
WoW! Rough, it seams that our situations in the Freshman class are very quite similar. But I imagine that Denver & other Vets who have reconciled will state that their situations were quite similar as well.
I will comment more on yours & try & give my perspective after I soak it in some more. I know that I have commented quite a bit, and more as a cheerleader, but due to the similarities, I think I may have something to offer. Just can't grasp it right now as I sit in the airport.
I think that having Denver, Starsky, LITB, & others to run things by will definitely help us (definitely won't hurt us...LoL). Especially since they made it through the tunnel and found light on the other side.
My IC told me from day one that it was going to get a lot harder before it gets easier. I laughed & said yeah right. 6 months later here I am...LoL
Thanks Suppo. I am like an open book. IMO, lay it all on the table, that’s how I view it. Cheerleading, input, etc…your awesome buddy and I know you’re a man of faith. As mentioned on TV last night, there’s a reason why our currency says, In God We Trust.
I want to take view points from others so I welcome and appreciate your input. I am being hard on myself but when I look our freshman class, I get discouraged with myself at times. I know it’s not a contest however I feel others are getting A’s and B’s while I am getting C’s or D’s. I need to stop beating myself up!!! Anyway, I post to vent, get input or I am trying to look for answers. To be honest, sometimes I need to just role with my gut instinct and realize I will never have all the answers. I wish a marriage could be simple. Every now and then I say to myself, are you kidding me!!!! The complexities of a marriage is just mindblowing.
It’s interesting you commented about it getting harder before getting easier. People comment from both angles, some will tell you it gets easier with time. Personally, I would happen to agree with your IC. _________________________________ Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
