Month 3 no movement

[Carnac]

Denver: I agree with your sentiment, but i'll add that they THINK their telling us. If I say something in French and you don't understand French and so b/c of that you dont do what i've asked you to is that my problem or yours?

Again, im not here to blame the WAS or to release the LBS from blame because there is plenty enough to go around for both. There are two things I think of when I think back to my issues in the marriage.

The first one I posted recently is the flaw in the golden rule....do unto others as you would have them do unto you....the flaw with that to me is that you should actually do unto others the way they wish to be done. At least if you want them to be happy.....i treated my wife in ways that would have made ME ecstatic if she would have simply mirrored them, but never spent enough time finding out if that was working for her.

And secondly....i told the long winded story here once before but the gist of it is a one-liner from the father of a good friend of mine who told a guy one time "either I ain't saying it right or you ain't hearing it right but somehow the message isn't getting through" And thats where I get that I say they THINK their telling us. In their mind they are, but if they simply knew the principle of keep doing what works and if its not working change then they would have changed the communication somehow until we actually heard it.

[Denver_2010]

Denver: I agree with your sentiment, but i'll add that they THINK their telling us. If I say something in French and you don't understand French and so b/c of that you dont do what i've asked you to is that my problem or yours?



The first one I posted recently is the flaw in the golden rule....do unto others as you would have them do unto you....the flaw with that to me is that you should actually do unto others the way they wish to be done. At least if you want them to be happy.....i treated my wife in ways that would have made ME ecstatic if she would have simply mirrored them,

And you THINK that is how she wanted to be treated. You THINK that is what she needed to be happy.

Carnac - This is ALL a matter of personal perspective. One of the number one problems with all M's is that we fail to try and see things through the our spouse's eyes. From their perspective.

You cannot assume that what you were doing was making her happy or was the way that she needed you to be. Just as she should not have assumed that she was communicated the problem to you.

I disagree. She was telling you. From her perspective it was a perfectly normal and appropriate way for her to communicate to you. Her mistake was to realize that it was not working and to find a different way to communicate. Her mistake was allowing herself to give up.

[suppo]

This is ALL a matter of personal perspective. One of the number one problems with all M's is that we fail to try and see things through our spouse's eyes. From their perspective.

I agree! Yet again, COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN in today's M!

You cannot assume that what you were doing was making her happy or was the way that she needed you to be. Just as she should not have assumed that she has communicated the problem to you.

Boy if I could have learned this a long long time ago!

I disagree. She was telling you. From her perspective it was a perfectly normal and appropriate way for her to communicate to you. Her mistake was to realize that it was not working and to find a different way to communicate. Her mistake was allowing herself to give up.

BINGO^^^^^

Disposable society we live in today! Not the end of the World though. There is HOPE for all of us, and Mr. Denver is living proof of HOPE for us newbies here

[Carnac]

I do agree with that part Denver, from her perspective not only did she tell me, but she told me over and over and over. Its unfortunate to say the least, but that part is done, as is the part of me 'thinking' I knew this or that. I was/am a failure at communication, but im getting better all the time.

I remember having a professor tell us once that a persons perception is reality, at least to them it is. So her telling me what she needed was/is reality to her.

All I can say is im not living in that period anymore im going to let the past be the past and move forward as a better man, hopefully she wants to get on board at some point.

[LITB]

I agree with Denver wholeheartedly on his last couple of posts.

Women and men communicate differently. Us men communicate in headlines. Women say things that are not quite direct.

Furthermore, we have different love languages. Have you read the 5LL?

[DaddyLongShanks]

I do agree with that part Denver, from her perspective not only did she tell me, but she told me over and over and over. Its unfortunate to say the least, but that part is done, as is the part of me 'thinking' I knew this or that. I was/am a failure at communication, but im getting better all the time.

I remember having a professor tell us once that a persons perception is reality, at least to them it is. So her telling me what she needed was/is reality to her.

All I can say is im not living in that period anymore im going to let the past be the past and move forward as a better man, hopefully she wants to get on board at some point.

Becoming "better" is optional. Maybe many of us are fine as we are. Obviously we can use this time while not in a relationship to pick up things that we want or oviously improve qualities. My questoin is why would you want to become more dependable, better communicating with someone who won't do it for you?h

[Denver_2010]

I do agree with that part Denver, from her perspective not only did she tell me, but she told me over and over and over. Its unfortunate to say the least, but that part is done, as is the part of me 'thinking' I knew this or that. I was/am a failure at communication, but im getting better all the time.

I remember having a professor tell us once that a persons perception is reality, at least to them it is. So her telling me what she needed was/is reality to her.

All I can say is im not living in that period anymore im going to let the past be the past and move forward as a better man, hopefully she wants to get on board at some point.

Perception IS reality! YES.

Do move forward and let the past be the past. But learn from the past mistakes for the future.

My W and I had the same problem with the communication. She told me over and over that she was not happy. I either didn't listen, or I didn't understand how bad things were.

NOW? I am ultra vigilant in trying to understand where my W is emotionally. She on the other hand, has learned to communicate more directly.

All of this is a result of both of us learning from our past failures.

[Denver_2010]

Furthermore, we have different love languages. Have you read the 5LL?

^^^ GREAT

[Carnac]

I've read his needs her needs, but not the 5LL specifically. But I did read love busters which is probably where I needed more help than anything. Not that I can't use help in every area, but when I read Love Busters and realized how often I was shooting myself in the foot, it really wouldnt have mattered how much I was doing right b/c I couldnt have built up enough good feelings to overcome the bad ones I was creating.

Denver, its awesome to hear that you listen better and she makes it known more clearly now. Im hopeful one day i'll be here saying the same thing b/c I know that clearly thats the key to understanding, and obvioulsy no one gets married and wants to make their spouse unhappy. I want her to be happpy, I want me to be happy and I want to be happy together and I dont think any of those are or have to be exclusive, but so far we've acted like they were, and I certainly think that at least right now she thinks they are.

[Denver_2010]

Keep working Carnac. You are doing great. I didn't mean to bust you too much earlier. But I learned SO much by getting beat by 2x4's pretty much every day for a year. It keeps us honest... and it keeps us thinking.