Divorced #3

[~ kd ~]

np, MrsD.

I think what I fear now is dealing with my past while in childhood for the most part. And that because of all the stuff I dealt him, that he may never be able to forgive and trust me again. Those two things.

Beautiful! Work through those two fears.

And don't worry about the GF. It is statistically possible (probable) that things won't work out between the two of them...

What do I want to fix.... Back when I had the MLC 3 years ago, I had a one night fling. Didnt mean anything but what it was. Too much alcohol. Depression. Didn't feel appreciated where I was. It happened. I have yet to forgive myself for that night. And Im working on that through IC. The EA with the trainer was stupid. I befriended my PT and we texted all the time. Of course my XH was upset and asked me to stop. I was stubborn and said he couldn't tell me who I was going to be friends with. Dumb stupid move on my part. Ended our marriage.

I think the above sums up quite nicely, even though each sitch is unique, what eventually goes through the mind of a WAS / MLCer AFTER the fact.

WHY you made the choices you made IS relevant. Yet MORE relevant is the SBT aspect of, "I will do things... and I will do them DIFFERENT and make positive changes."

I think for you, this is a great realization AND it alone shows positive growth in you. If it shows here... it will show IRL... and it should help your R with your X, so long as your X can see it and can trust it.

So NO MORE HIDING! (ie. N/C is hiding and avoiding the "tough stuff"...) If you were MLC (and it's quite possible, based on how you explained your reasoning), then your past behaviours over the past three years was all about N/C / hiding / avoiding... time to do something different...

So this vvvvv:

So I want to work on being more open anda honest. I need to work on my communication skills with anyone to be honest. I can write down what I am feeling but for the life of me I cannot communicate it if I were speaking to you. Now that I believe I am out of MLC, I dont go out regularly. Shoot I don't even go to bars any longer. I focus more on my son if anything. Before I made my friends and the social scene a priority. Ive ditched the not so good friends. Ive ditched the PT. Ive made alot if good changes already, and I feel I have even more to make with the communications, the being open and honest, and the one thing I absolutely HAVE to do, and I struggle with it, is to forgive myself. I will never be able to love myself, or love another till I can do that.

is the important focus, IMHO.

Work on the stuff in bold.

The stuff about going out or going to the bar... well, you still need to GAL. You can just choose to do it in an open, honest, healthy and respectful way.

[Mrs D]

KD Thank you. As I continue to go through IC, Im sure more things will be tossed out there that I need to work on as well, but this is where I need to begin. Honesty. Not being selfish. Empathy and compassion. Communication. Forgiveness to myself. Transparency. (Im already doing that if he really wanted to look at the software he has to see each text I send - not sure if he is still looking ot not) Its not a long list, but its a good list.

I want to be the person I was prior to three years ago. Then I was the person I knew my kids would have been proud of. Ill get there. I may not be confident in alot of things, but I am confident and determined to make myself a healthy person again.

Day #3 No contact! I can do this!!

[Carnac]

MrsD: Be strong on the no contact, you can definitely do this. Just know that probably sooner rather than later he's going to wonder why your not still chasing him and try to engage you. Be nice, be confident and end it first. Have a great Thursday.

[Mrs D]

MrsD: Be strong on the no contact, you can definitely do this. Just know that probably sooner rather than later he's going to wonder why your not still chasing him and try to engage you. Be nice, be confident and end it first. Have a great Thursday.

That is exactly what I did last night - I was so proud of myself. As I was walking out of the house I was thinking Carnac, Sup, KD, Bond, Starsky and Arsene are going to be so proud of me. I am SO super excited about your text message exchanges last night with your W!!! I think all in all, Wednesday was most awesome. Thursday can only be better.

[suppo]

That is exactly what I did last night - I was so proud of myself. As I was walking out of the house I was thinking Carnac, Sup, KD, Bond, Starsky and Arsene are going to be so proud of me. I am SO super excited about your text message exchanges last night with your W!!! I think all in all, Wednesday was most awesome. Thursday can only be better.

MrsD,

I am proud of you! But the most important part of this entire journey, is that you feel PROUD of yourself!

If going NC feels comfortable for you & is allowing you to get a hold on yourself, emotions, etc. Then by all means stick with it. If you feel the desire to have contact with him on an occasional basis & it makes you feel good at that moments as well, then go for it.

Remember, it isn't about how he feels about things! It's about you & your well being.

Repeat after me:

I am a good person!
I made mistaked in my M and R, and I accept full responsibility for my actions!
I will continue to STAND for the healing of my M, and better myself during the process!
I am a good person!

Peace out & God Speed to my Freshman Class! We WILL Prevail!

[Carnac]

Well you gave me a huge smile with your last line....i sure hope that Thursday is better, but....oh here I go again, im not expecting better, im expecting pull back...buyers remorse, whatever you want to call it I expect her to push me away hard for the next few days b/c we had a decent interaction.

And honestly right now im glad I put that on here b/c Thursday can be better whether she does that or not....how good my Thursday is has nothing to do with her it has to do with me.

Awesome job on just walking by last night. He noticed you can bet on that.

[suppo]

Well you gave me a huge smile with your last line....i sure hope that Thursday is better, but....oh here I go again, im not expecting better, im expecting pull back...buyers remorse, whatever you want to call it I expect her to push me away hard for the next few days b/c we had a decent interaction.

Wholly Schnikey's!!! What do you mean Thursday "MAY" be better?? What do you mean you are expecting Push-Back/Buyer's Remorse???

You had Baby steps happen yesterday via the txt message exchanges between you and your W!!! Out-Fricken-Standing Marine! Take that, Soak that in, & use it to continue on through the day toward your PMA, so that THURSDAY will be out-fricken-standing!! Every time you want to start thinking about what could happen or what didn't happen, pull back & picture the things that happened in an absolute positive way.

Not sure if ya'll remember but: August 8th my W asked me if she could come over to house in the morning to see the kids off & wish them well on the first day of school. I stated in the txt back to her "That would be Fine". She showed up in driveway (in PJ's...LoL). It was also her B-Day, so I said Happy Birthday real quick in a pleasant tone, I made a few quick jokes about something which got her to laugh & smile (beautiful smile by the way). On that note, I immediately jumped in the truck & waited for her to finish saying bye to kids. No more/No less.

Point of the story is: I have had almost ZERO contact with her since that day. I hold onto that day in my head due to what I thought was amazing interaction (although brief) compared to the months previous. It brings a PMA & smile to my face each time I think about it.

So store last nights slightly flirtacious & positive humorous texting into your data bank & use that.

[Mrs D]

Well you gave me a huge smile with your last line....i sure hope that Thursday is better, but....oh here I go again, im not expecting better, im expecting pull back...buyers remorse, whatever you want to call it I expect her to push me away hard for the next few days b/c we had a decent interaction.

And honestly right now im glad I put that on here b/c Thursday can be better whether she does that or not....how good my Thursday is has nothing to do with her it has to do with me.

Awesome job on just walking by last night. He noticed you can bet on that.

Of course its going to be better because YOU are what will make it better than what yesterday was.

And I know he noticed. He was seriously expecting me to ask. I think I had a lick of confidence last night? Yes! I t hink so!!

[Mrs D]

MrsD,

I am proud of you! But the most important part of this entire journey, is that you feel PROUD of yourself!

If going NC feels comfortable for you & is allowing you to get a hold on yourself, emotions, etc. Then by all means stick with it. If you feel the desire to have contact with him on an occasional basis & it makes you feel good at that moments as well, then go for it.

Remember, it isn't about how he feels about things! It's about you & your well being.

Repeat after me:

I am a good person!
I made mistaked in my M and R, and I accept full responsibility for my actions!
I will continue to STAND for the healing of my M, and better myself during the process!
I am a good person!

Peace out & God Speed to my Freshman Class! We WILL Prevail!

Still working on the good person thing. I PROMISE I will get there.

Honestly, I do like the occasional contact with him, but I also know that I need to keep my thoughts about it all when it happens focused on me. And what its doing to me. Because everyone knows how I feel on that little bit of kibble. So - I am doing the NC, but I still have to have some communication with him regarding our son. So, yeah. I just need to keep ME in check.

[Starsky309]

MrsD,

I am proud of you! But the most important part of this entire journey, is that you feel PROUD of yourself!

If you decide going NC feels comfortable for you & is allowing you to get a hold on yourself, emotions, etc. Then by all means stick with it. If you feel decide that the desire to have contact with him on an occasional basis & it makes you feel good at that moments -- and more importantly, afterwards -- as well, then go for it.

Remember, it isn't about how he feels about things! It's about you & your well being.

Repeat after me:

I am a good person!
I made mistaked in my M and R, and I accept full responsibility for my actions!
I will continue to STAND for the healing of my M, and better myself during the process!
I am a good person!

Peace out & God Speed to my Freshman Class! We WILL Prevail!

There . . . fixed it for you.

Never lead with your feelings, and don't FIGHT feelings with feelings. Pray, think, PLAN, and then execute your plan. It's okay to HAVE emotions and feelings . . . just don't make DECISIONS based upon them.


Starsky