Tomorrow is a New Day

[mamabird]

Hi Inga,
Just wanted to say hang in there today. You have so much on your plate, I honestly don't know how you do it.

Your H relies on you and depends on you for a lot. He knows how capable and strong you are and he admires those qualities in you. He feels shame when you end up taking care of household projects that he knows he was supposed to do. Shame is a tough emotion, especially for men. So instead of saying "Thanks for taking care of that," he lashes out. Even though he's not living up to his responsibilities, deep down he WANTS to be the big man and your hero.

What I have found to be most helpful is to try to figure out what they are REALLY saying and feeling when they lash out like that. Then, if you can take yourself out of the equation, you can address it neutrally, but lovingly.

How has work been going for him and how is his health? He's at an age where he's starting to see his own mortality (esp. after the death of your friend) and he is likely depressed about those things. He may feel that he has let you down. He was the one who told you that H and W were supposed to be equals, and he probably feels like he's not living up to that. His running away response is frustrating (my H does it too), but he copes by licking his wounds.

I started re-reading DR and it reminded me to focus on very small changes. Change begets change. So, if you get a chance to do a little positive reinforcement with him, it may lighten the mood up a little bit. Remember, he wants to be your hero but is feeling paralyzed about it too. Very gradually and gently helping him get unstuck may help you start to break the ice.