DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[zig]

hi Dawnmarie -

I'm a bit concerned at how you worded what your h said and how you felt about it.

"H took control of my happiness for my potential job "

Is it necessary right now for you to tell him exactly what you are doing?

You're still in a fragile place where you're just starting to stand on your feet - and he can sense that - he can sense both things - that you are fragile and that you are starting to move forward.

he can grab at both of those things in crazy subtle ways to keep you where you are - because that's the most comfortable and familiar fro him right now.

and this reaction that HE"S gonna have - depending on your outcome with the job - he's holding that over you - and THAT is the rollercoaster effect.

and you feeling that he's taking control of your happiness in this way - that's you staying on the rollercoaster and being co-dependent.

now don't panic because i said that. it's just where we are in the process as we begin to attempt the detachment process. when we truly start - that's when we find out how entangled we really are, and how it will just happen slowly.

so take a deep breadth - go read our first posts on where you talked abou twhat goals you were going to set and how they will make you feel.

it's not smooth sailing - there are setbacks and sometimes those are external.


see this as a good opportunity for you to find a way to step off his train - even a little bit. what could you do right now, so you don't get pulled into his drama?

-not tell him what's going on with you?
-not tell him the result of your interview? (e.g.. when he asks:' h you indicated clearly that you are going to have a big reaction about whether i get the job or not. so i have decided that i don't wish to discuss this with you any further, because i do not care for your feedback on this issue.'


in other words - set a boundary with your h - find out for yourself what the boundary could be and then set it. this is him crawling all over you, and this is you making sure there's a safety zone around yourself that he MAY NOT penetrate - until you feel stronger

i'm not going to be around today -maybe later at night, so if you need help figuring what the boundary is and how you could set it - post about it on your thread - and i'm sure MrBond and many others could help you set it

some of the stuff you've written on your thread - smacks to me of co-d stuff on both your parts. feels to me as if your h is using that co-d in a huge way to keep you pulled in and we have to hep you disentangle.

are you seeing a therapist - if you are - you need to increase the number of apptmts right now - see if you can get in today - just so that you can talk to someone, even if it's a priest or counselor. talk about how to set boundaries

sometimes when one person starts distancing themselves, as you are DEFINITELY doing here - the other one starts pursuing in crazy making ways - and it's a lot to handle - as it's very subtle and that's what makes it crazy

so see what's going on as his attempt to keep you in your old place and just keep moving forward

take care of yourself right now - let him rant or rave.

in fact i'm ready to suggest that the next time he starts spewing or talking as if from mars - look at him calmly and say - oh remember you told me that this is the stuff you can talk about only with ow? i do believe that it's time for you to call her - as i don't deal with you on this level so there's no point in talking to me about it - i won't be able to help you

but you may want to run that by MrBond .

sometimes i think we protect their relationship with OP way too much...

it's time to protect yourself a lot more now than you have been doing

take care dawn

and big hugs
zig