Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Thanks 25, Bond, Rough,CB, Denver, Starsky, Suppo, MrsD,Carnac, and the other members of the Freshmen Class of 2012,

As you can see in the title of my new thread, I guess that I still have a big problem with Anger. It' s interesting because I really thought I was over it. The anger, that is. Three months ago, it's the first thing I set to change about my behaviour and in many noticeable ways, i have succeeded, however, it seems that you all read much more from my words here than I think I am communicating. You are either all wrong, meaning I'm the only one to be right, or I have to open my eyes and face the music. I'll go for door number 2.

I've been thinking a lot over the last few hours or so about what I've read in your replies and I spoke about it today in my meditation class and I can see it. The anger is still there, within me. I might not express it in the same vocal way I used to but it's in everything I do and think. In everything I write in these pages. It's set deep within my heart and it's controlling the way I look at things.

25, you are right, Denver never said anything negative about his lovely W, no matter how he felt about what he was being put through. Denver, you are an extraordinarily strong man and I have the utmost respect for what you did and HOW you did it. I wish I could stand here and tell you that I've never had negative thoughts about my W, this woman I claim to love more than life itself, but I'd be lying to you, the same way I've been lying to myself about not being angry anymore.

I'm here now. I can see that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. The pain and frustration I feel and try to ignore as much as I can are turning to anger as I keep refusing to acknowledge the truth about my situation. Like the quote from the movie : "Bands of Brothers" which Starsky mentioned somewhere here,"The sooner you accept that (you are already dead), the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function".

I re-read a lot of my own thread, as recommended by many of you recently and realized that I've been refusing to accept my responsibility in this and trying to pass the blame on to where I perceived the pain came from. My W. I have judged her and criticized her actions, her thoughts and everything she does. I have named her "disease" by labeling it MLC. I have disrespected the woman I profess to love and much worse.

I have insulted her, tarnished her name and slandered her in front of my friends and supporters, for what? To get their sympathy? Their pity? Their support? To make me feel like I am the wounded one? I don't really know why but I suspect it's somewhere in that list. I have done something I have done all my life, in most of my relationships with friends and lovers. I have stepped on her in order to elevate myself. This is the ultimate act of selfishness, another "sin" which I have in the past ascribed to my W.

I apologize to you all for this, as I can not apologize to her for the time being.

I hope that this is the beginning of the end for the anger which is still deep within me. I will be vigilant. I will focus on myself as my own faults are sufficiently important to keep me occupied.

My W can take car of her own faults at her own time.

Thank you all for your patience, time and kindness. Thanks you for keeping me on my toes, for keeping that mirror in front of me.