Making it work, for me

[sweetbabyred]

Here's the link to my first thread.

Any chance to make it work?

I take a few days off posting and come back to find my thread locked.

For the time being, I've decided to keep standing for my marriage. I've read about so many long term posters that continued to DB and were successful. I'm stubborn and don't want to give up, so for right now, I will continue my efforts.

H is very confused right now and it's sad to see. I finally talked to him, briefly last night, and found out that he'd gotten so drunk on Sunday that he got a tattoo. He'd always talked about getting one with his son's birthday, but he's absolutely terrified of needles.

Before I knew that about him, he met up with me when I got my last tattoo, six and a half years ago. He kept walking outside to take work calls, which I later realized was just him needing to get away before he passed out.

So he finally did it, and I wasn't with him. So he now has a permanent reminder of his actions, on his arm. I know another poster here had the same sitch with her H, so I tried not to take it too personally.

Today, he finally dropped off the check for July's bills and we ended up ML. It was my choice, because I want some part of him to remember what we used to have, although he instigated. Afterwards, he said that we really shouldn't be doing that, which he's said over the past year or so, so nothing new.

After he left, I tm'd him and said it was his life, so he made the rules, so he could decide if he wanted to do that or not. I told him that if it made him uncomfortable, he could just send me a check for the rest of the bills and not have to see me.

H responded that it wasn't that he didn't want to see me, just that it made him sad because we were on two different paths now.

I just said that he was choosing his path and that I hoped he would figure out what made him happy while he was on it.

I'm happy with my path now. I have classes starting tomorrow, signed up with a friend for a mud run in November (I'm not a runner and hate to get dirty, so this is a huge 180!), and interviewed today for a great part time job right by my house mon-thurs. It would pay my bills, and give me weekends to work more events or just spend with friends.

So no more telling him to file. If he does, then he does and in 60 or so days we'll be D, but I'm going to be silent about it for now. My biggest concern was having to file taxes together this year because he's made some potentially costly moves, but in the long run, if we can make this work, money isn't a big deal.

Also, I attended a Divorcecare meeting last night for the first time. A little too religious for me, but it'll get me out of the house one night a week and that's good for me. Whether or not we D, I'm going through all the same emotions, so it can't hurt to be around other (in-person) people going through the same sitch.

[reachingHigher]

Sbr, congratulations on your decision to stand. Of course, if you didn't, that would work too.

My H has similar emotions about the ML and we keep doing it every week.

I hope things work out for you. I read some success stories today on this forum too and found it encouraging. Let's keep going! Mud run sounds interesting....it would be a 180 for me too!

I'm thinking of doing a moonlight kayak paddle event this weekend.

[sweetbabyred]

rH, thank you for responding. It's nice to know that someone is reading my ramblings.

A moonlight kayak paddle event sounds interesting. I've never been on a kayak. I finally learned to swim this spring, so maybe I'll try that one of these days-before I was not to excited to be around water.

Last night H tm'd me to wish me a good night. He hasn't done that in awhile. I just wished him the same and hoped he got enough sleep. He responded back, but it didn't need a reply, so I didn't.

Today he called, asking if I had his SS card. I didn't think I did, but it was in my fire safe, along with our marriage documents. He needed them for his new job, so I scanned it and told him he could have the original the next time I saw him or I would keep it in the safe. I haven't heard back about that, but wasn't expecting to.

H sounded really sad on the phone. I asked him if he was ok, and he said he wasn't but that he'd get over it. He said that he still loved me and wished it was possible to fall back in love with me again. That's hard to hear, but I just said that I'd heard it was possible, so maybe it could happen. His response- I hope so...

I'm not going to think too much of it, as classes started today and I've got a ton of reading and group work to get started on. And I did get the almost full time gig I first interviewed for yesterday. It won't start until mid October, but it will eliminate a lot of my immediate financial concerns.

Sadly, I did find out that my cat is pre-diabetic and will need insulin shots, but I'll do whatever it takes, since she's my baby girl and has kept me company throughout all of this. I'll get everything tomorrow and figure out how to get over the thought of giving her shots.

Overall, it's been a very good day. I'm walking the steps of my path and I like where it's leading me. Tomorrow, and even later tonight, it might be a different story, but right now I'm happy.

[reachingHigher]

You sound good sbr. I'm sorry about the cat. Animals can be such good companions!

H sounds like he still cares for you a lot. Maybe after you start school things will look different to both you and him?

Congratulations on the gig. That sounds like something you needed! You must be good!

[sweetbabyred]

On Wednesday night, H called to see if he could sleep over. I agreed, surprised that he wanted to drive 30+ miles when he was right by his place. H had to get up early and head home because he had reports due early on Thursday.

As he left, he said he wished he'd brought his computer, etc. so that he could work here. Believe none of what they say, so I didn't even say anything.

An hour or so later, he texted telling me to have a good day. In the evening, he wished me a good night. I did the same and told him to sleep well. H said he didn't even know what that was, because he could only sleep if he was with me or drank enough to pass out. H said maybe that was a sign. Again, believe none...

We had a short text convo on Friday morning and didn't hear anything that night. Saw the next morning that he'd been checked into a restaurant downtown with his friends, so that explained why he didn't contact me.

Around 8:50am on Saturday I get a phone call from him. I knew he wasn't calling to hang out, so I was curious. Come to find out, he'd gotten in an argument with his friends, his car was still downtown and he'd been walking around the city he lived in since 4am in his dress shoes.

His phone was dead and he couldn't find anyone with a charger for hours. He tried to walk home, but isn't too familiar with the neighborhood since he's only been there for a month, so he went the wrong direction, for hours.

I went to get him and take him to his car. He looked like a mess and was quietly crying while I drove. I hope I never have a MLC or anything like this happen to me. It's just so sad to watch.

I'm just wondering how much worse it has to get before he hits rock bottom. I know that H does care about me, I just wish he would realize that his unhappiness is completely unrelated to our marriage. He may have been unhappy last year, but now he seems completely miserable.

On the bright side, my life is still going well. I've got a ton of readings for school and a lot of projects I need to get started on, so that should keep me pretty busy for the next couple of months.

[reachingHigher]

That whole thing must've been really tough. From him not following through to having to pick him up like that. He must be so ashamed in front of you. I'm glad you are the one he called and I'm glad he didn't have a crime happen to him.

I agree about being glad we are not in MLC. One of my boys fell off the four-wheeler while riding it today (just bruises and scrapes) and I thought about how glad I can be here for him. I'm starting to appreciate my life more, in a lot of ways.

Glad your life is going well outside of your H's misery.

[sweetbabyred]

rH, it is very tough. I almost wish that H and I hated each other. At least then I'd be happy not to see him and would look forward to being on my own. Loving him and knowing that he loves me, even if he is very confused, is hard.

I've definitely noticed a pattern where H starts to get close and then pulls away. That Saturday, he called me every time he left his house (3 times) just to chat. On Sunday morning, he called before he went shopping with a friend, and said he might stop by later. He did come, later that evening, and stayed until 10 am the next day.

We actually had a really good conversation about his new job and he sounded wistful when he spoke of our old house. He even said he was somewhat resentful because I always had stacks of books in our bedroom and my new room has empty night stands. I still have tons of books, but bought new furniture for the living room that has lots of hidden storage!

It went so well that I didn't hear at all from H until Tuesday night, when he texted to see if I wanted company. When he got here, he looked exhausted, so we talked for a few minutes and then went right to sleep.

I had to leave early, so I left a key on the table for him to lock up and told him to put the key under the mat. I got home and saw that he'd taken the key with him. I'm not even going to try to figure out why. I did send a short text to confirm he had it, and left it at that.

We'd gotten along so well during those times, that I knew I should expect him to pull away, and haven't heard from him at all since then.

Retrouvaille is coming to town again in a few weeks and I really wish he'd be willing to go with me. I asked him in June and he said we weren't actually a couple, so he didn't want to go. I think the response might be the same, but I'll give it a few weeks and see if I can get him to agree when he's feeling somewhat close.

[unbidden]

Baby, I feel for you but see good signs in your sitch. My H and I are supposed to go to Retrouvaille in mid-October. I hope your H reconsiders. Keep the faith

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks for the encouragement. It's here at the end of October, so who knows what could happen by then! I'll stay positive and see what happens.

Let me know what you think of it. It sounds like it would be a great program to learn communication, even if we don't work out, but H doesn't think that yet.

[unbidden]

For me, the unique aspect seems to be the communication through writing. I think it's easier to share deeper feelings that way and could lead to more authentic intimacy.