the problem is that h makes it clear that he doesn't think it's important (when H feels like feeling like that) and then at times he is adamant that s of course has to take them
When your S takes true ownership of his meds, it won't matter (to him) what your H OR you say to him. He will be taking care of himself and he WILL take care of himself.
about s getting input- h has a complete and utter distrust of the entire medical community - it's huge. so if they have any advice to give - even s dismisses going to get it.
The medical community wasn't able to save the life of his sibling. I'm guessing that his entire family has some trust issues with doctors, etc...
Do you think H is in any denial as to S's true condition? That he will "grow out of it" despite contrary medical advice/opinions? You talked about possible fear by H. Is he afraid to lose S, and that clouds his judgment? And that the doctors are not telling the truth?
The first time I took D to a neurologist, H told me I wasting time, money, stressing her out, etc. because she did not have seizures. Well, guess what? After the EEG results, H really didn't have a whole lot to say. We went to a genetic dr. together for the 1st appt. I went alone on the 2nd one, and the guy said, oh you do know how to talk. After the diagnoses, H pretty much stopped going to appointments.
How hard is it for H to admit that his S is not perfect? I think it is easier for us as mothers to accept these problems, and to listen to advice. While we are struggling with control issues with H, for some reason, it is easier (in most cases) to let the professionals be in control. I've often wanted to ask H what medical school he went to. And I'm banned from using certain vets because he knows more than them. One of the vets is a pure control issue which I saw with my own eyes.
Is the lack of consistency in dosing control? Denial? If you think S can be responsible for taking his meds on his own, it may be worth trying. Monitor it to start out with. I've found 2 pills on the floor over the past week from when I have not been home to put the pills in D's hands (on those nights I put them in a med dispenser that H doles out). I asked her about it and she swears she is taking all of the meds. Once he gets the hang of it and is being responsible, it will be ok. But you will still need H's support, especially if you are getting the reaction from S following on H's cues.
As an aside, I had to start to use the dispenser because she wouldn't get the meds otherwise. When I didn't use it, D told me she wasn't getting her meds when I was out at night. I asked H and he told me that I needed to put them out because he didn't know what she was supposed to get. I asked him if he had read the labels. I'm sure you can imagine where that conversation went.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Oh Inga, I think your words are so true. I feel the same with my S and H. H wants him to be "normal" so if he ignores the situation, it will all be fine. I on the other hand, am the one who moved forward making appts, treatment, therapy, fixing it. And each step made it more real.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
yes s and i are down in houston - and have had a wonderful day!
i don't know if i'm going to even have time to get on the boards - and will have some serious catching up to do later
s is a tad bit clingy - he's very unnerved by the change in my dad since he saw him almost 2 yrs ago - my dad's dementia had progressed really a lot - even since i was here in march.
s and i talked about it this afternoon - he is also experiencing it with h's grandad on a daily basis back home, though his is not as bad as my dad's
s admitted that it scared him and he cried a little - and i noticed he went to sleep in my bed tonight - i had to let him know that my dad tends to get up and walk around and turn all the lights on in all the rooms during the night. i think it unnerved s a lot. i needed to let him know so that he wouldn't freak out if he woke up to that.
our trip went really smoothly - i can't say i wasn't a tad bit nervous - it's been 7 yrs since i travelled alone with s. but it was really easy.
i know h was a bit nervous - though he wouldn't let me know. when he brought s home last night, he hovered quite a bit - had insisted on helping me by making sandwiches for our trip (which i forgot to take!!).
actually i think he was feeling it a lot - this was a turnaround from all this last year- where he went off alone or with s so confidently, but suddenly here i was doing the same and the roles were reversed. not so comfortable for them when the roles are reversed, i think!!
I made a point of texting him that we had arrived safe - not something he's ever given me the pleasure of knowing!! and got s to call him later after we had lunch. s wanted to wait until we went to Dim Sum (his first time) so he could tell h about it. the conversation was very short and s was very stilted on the phone with h. h had a meeting , but never called back. i think he feels uncomfortable calling here - he has not spoken to my mom at all i think since BD!!
i'm so relieved to be down here - and the best part is that i can feel the progress i have made in detaching, since march when i was last here.
i vowed that during this trip i would completely focus on s - like i have never done before - and i was pretty good at it today.
he taught me how to play chess on the plane and then we played a game here this evening!! so there was a 180 for me - and a good opportunity for us to talk about how preconceived ideas about ourselves stop us from trying new things and we don't even know whether we would like them or not because we don't try
and couldn't help thinking - how about i have that attitude towards my sitch - so focused all of this past year on how i only want to save this marriage that i don't even consider any other way as a good option!!
yesterday i was a complete utter wreck - absolutely terrible after that harrowing night before. it took until 7 in the evening for me to feel even slightly grounded again - this time i wasn't spinning on the sitch with h, but almost lost it in terms of how i viewed myself and how much work i'd done, but felt that the way to go was still so long and tortured that i had barely started!!
i also had a bit of a freaky experience at the appointment with the tax accountant. i had taken all the documents i thought i was supposed to, but because this new stuff was so unfamiliar to him, he didn't really understand that it was all there. he kept asking me for other papers and i couldn't tell him anything because i wasn't sure what i had - i just knew that it was all there but because i didn't really understand it all, i couldn't answer his questions. i did start getting a bit nervous and thinking - sh!t maybe i don't know what i am doing.
finally i called my mom who had helped me put together the complicated part and she spoke to him and within a minute he knew that everything was correct.
i left from there pretty much overwhelmed even though everything was fine and all i could think was - oh sh!t, I HAD everything but I didn't know what I had.
and it was like this thought just kept getting bigger in my head until i was freaking = and i lost all my confidence , and felt as if i was trying to walk when i couldn't even stand.
and suddenly i was like - i am still right in the beginning of this journey - and i can barely stand balancing let alone take steps and i'm freaking because i didn't understand the taxes when i KNOW that pretty much no one understands this new thing and even the accountants are all confused
but that's when i also realized that running before i could walk was what i had been trying to do for an entire year - and i had to go back to just trying to find my balance and i didn't even have to think of taking steps yet. it just meant i didn't need to get it all right all at once..
i figure pretty much everyone else has got that point by now - but as i've mentioned before - i can be terribly slow on the uptake!!
so back to beginners mind for me and that's a good place to be.
it's funny - as for h - i feel in the last couple of days i've given up on ever being able to r with him - i just can't see him ever wanting it, all of a sudden. it's like i just lost my faith about it - it's not that anything has changed - but suddenly i don't seem to have faith any more about it changing.
i can see and feel that he has very strong feelings for me and is still battling them - but i can't see a way through this right now
maybe i'm giving up
i realize now that i have to focus a huge amount on getting grounded - and that i have to up the meditation big time- because that does keep me in a good place. so i am going to spend this next week just spending time with my parents and s and really focusing on s. i don't think i've been present for s as much as i thought i had been - couldn't see it until now that i have to do it a different way.
KD - i know we never finished that conversation - i think i'm still working through all of that somewhere in the back of my mind - but to be really honest - for some reason i cannot go there right now - i don't think i'm avoiding - i think i'm jsut mulling, and i want to talk with my mom about it and get some perspective on what really happened ( realize that i have a child's memory of it based on fear and emotions) - let's see what comes up in the next few days, i don't even know if i'll be able to talk with her about it - she's pretty overwhelmed with my dad and very sleep deprived
i hope everyone is well - i will say it's alot easier to be on the blanket when you are away from your WAS!!
hugs to all, i'll try to check in as much as i can
love zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
KD - i know we never finished that conversation - i think i'm still working through all of that somewhere in the back of my mind - but to be really honest - for some reason i cannot go there right now - i don't think i'm avoiding - i think i'm jsut mulling
It may take a while for you to realize how much you've truly grown over the last year...
I was a little concerned that things were getting "too much" for you. There's "too much" which is that point that one pushes past because it's a "normal" barrier to growth... and then there's "too much" which is place to stop, at least for a while, because more might push one over the edge...
I was a little concerned that things were getting "too much" for you.
what made you feel that?
asking so that i can watch out for it when it comes up. was it because the release was so huge?
thanks - i am determined to enjoy this break
It may take a while for you to realize how much you've truly grown over the last year...
it's like what i discovered yesterday - I didn't know what i had. i keep thinking the same thing about myself and my life - I can't see what i have because i don't know what i have because i don't know enough about what it is
just like the taxes - i knew that the numbers were right and calculated correctly, but because i didn't know how they really worked, i couldn't see what i had. as i learn more about how taxes work, i'll know more clearly what i have done
so my life - i don't know about what it means to live this new life after so much growth and opening and release, that i don't know what i have yet. others may be able to see it but i can't see it so well. as i learn more about it, i'll know what i have more clearly.
does that make sense - it's very hard for me to articulate this
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I was a little concerned that things were getting "too much" for you.
what made you feel that?
asking so that i can watch out for it when it comes up. was it because the release was so huge?
Yes.
It's not so much what you dug up. Rather, when work like this is done, my experience is normally there is someone around to help and guide the person doing the work. Because sometimes, it can just all dump out in an uncontrolled way and the person doing the work can panic.
So I WAS going to suggest you just let it go, for now. That you could always revisit it later once your other growth had really settled in. Thankfully, you've had a healthy reaction to it all, compartmentalizing it so that it can be looked at and worked on in "chunks" at a later date.
Originally Posted By: zig
so my life - i don't know about what it means to live this new life after so much growth and opening and release, that i don't know what i have yet. others may be able to see it but i can't see it so well. as i learn more about it, i'll know what i have more clearly.
As I always say, you can't unknow things. This work you have done could set you up to live a "bigger" life, only to hit roadblocks and have you shut down again, or even shut down more...
or...
your growth could pave the way to living a more genuine and authentic life which will provide you with new opportunity and growth to be the person you truly are, underneath all the reasons...
Grow at a pace that's comfortable for you. A little stress is a good thing, because it means that you are challenging yourself and have potential to grow more, in fantastic ways.
