yes s and i are down in houston - and have had a wonderful day!
i don't know if i'm going to even have time to get on the boards - and will have some serious catching up to do later
s is a tad bit clingy - he's very unnerved by the change in my dad since he saw him almost 2 yrs ago - my dad's dementia had progressed really a lot - even since i was here in march.
s and i talked about it this afternoon - he is also experiencing it with h's grandad on a daily basis back home, though his is not as bad as my dad's
s admitted that it scared him and he cried a little - and i noticed he went to sleep in my bed tonight - i had to let him know that my dad tends to get up and walk around and turn all the lights on in all the rooms during the night. i think it unnerved s a lot. i needed to let him know so that he wouldn't freak out if he woke up to that.
our trip went really smoothly - i can't say i wasn't a tad bit nervous - it's been 7 yrs since i travelled alone with s. but it was really easy.
i know h was a bit nervous - though he wouldn't let me know. when he brought s home last night, he hovered quite a bit - had insisted on helping me by making sandwiches for our trip (which i forgot to take!!).
actually i think he was feeling it a lot - this was a turnaround from all this last year- where he went off alone or with s so confidently, but suddenly here i was doing the same and the roles were reversed. not so comfortable for them when the roles are reversed, i think!!
I made a point of texting him that we had arrived safe - not something he's ever given me the pleasure of knowing!! and got s to call him later after we had lunch. s wanted to wait until we went to Dim Sum (his first time) so he could tell h about it. the conversation was very short and s was very stilted on the phone with h. h had a meeting , but never called back. i think he feels uncomfortable calling here - he has not spoken to my mom at all i think since BD!!
i'm so relieved to be down here - and the best part is that i can feel the progress i have made in detaching, since march when i was last here.
i vowed that during this trip i would completely focus on s - like i have never done before - and i was pretty good at it today.
he taught me how to play chess on the plane and then we played a game here this evening!! so there was a 180 for me - and a good opportunity for us to talk about how preconceived ideas about ourselves stop us from trying new things and we don't even know whether we would like them or not because we don't try
and couldn't help thinking - how about i have that attitude towards my sitch - so focused all of this past year on how i only want to save this marriage that i don't even consider any other way as a good option!!
yesterday i was a complete utter wreck - absolutely terrible after that harrowing night before. it took until 7 in the evening for me to feel even slightly grounded again - this time i wasn't spinning on the sitch with h, but almost lost it in terms of how i viewed myself and how much work i'd done, but felt that the way to go was still so long and tortured that i had barely started!!
i also had a bit of a freaky experience at the appointment with the tax accountant. i had taken all the documents i thought i was supposed to, but because this new stuff was so unfamiliar to him, he didn't really understand that it was all there. he kept asking me for other papers and i couldn't tell him anything because i wasn't sure what i had - i just knew that it was all there but because i didn't really understand it all, i couldn't answer his questions. i did start getting a bit nervous and thinking - sh!t maybe i don't know what i am doing.
finally i called my mom who had helped me put together the complicated part and she spoke to him and within a minute he knew that everything was correct.
i left from there pretty much overwhelmed even though everything was fine and all i could think was - oh sh!t, I HAD everything but I didn't know what I had.
and it was like this thought just kept getting bigger in my head until i was freaking = and i lost all my confidence , and felt as if i was trying to walk when i couldn't even stand.
and suddenly i was like - i am still right in the beginning of this journey - and i can barely stand balancing let alone take steps and i'm freaking because i didn't understand the taxes when i KNOW that pretty much no one understands this new thing and even the accountants are all confused
but that's when i also realized that running before i could walk was what i had been trying to do for an entire year - and i had to go back to just trying to find my balance and i didn't even have to think of taking steps yet. it just meant i didn't need to get it all right all at once..
i figure pretty much everyone else has got that point by now - but as i've mentioned before - i can be terribly slow on the uptake!!
so back to beginners mind for me and that's a good place to be.
it's funny - as for h - i feel in the last couple of days i've given up on ever being able to r with him - i just can't see him ever wanting it, all of a sudden. it's like i just lost my faith about it - it's not that anything has changed - but suddenly i don't seem to have faith any more about it changing.
i can see and feel that he has very strong feelings for me and is still battling them - but i can't see a way through this right now
maybe i'm giving up
i realize now that i have to focus a huge amount on getting grounded - and that i have to up the meditation big time- because that does keep me in a good place. so i am going to spend this next week just spending time with my parents and s and really focusing on s. i don't think i've been present for s as much as i thought i had been - couldn't see it until now that i have to do it a different way.
KD - i know we never finished that conversation - i think i'm still working through all of that somewhere in the back of my mind - but to be really honest - for some reason i cannot go there right now - i don't think i'm avoiding - i think i'm jsut mulling, and i want to talk with my mom about it and get some perspective on what really happened ( realize that i have a child's memory of it based on fear and emotions) - let's see what comes up in the next few days, i don't even know if i'll be able to talk with her about it - she's pretty overwhelmed with my dad and very sleep deprived
i hope everyone is well - i will say it's alot easier to be on the blanket when you are away from your WAS!!
hugs to all, i'll try to check in as much as i can
love zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
