Divorced #3

[Mrs D]

I really feel like Im getting beat up tonight. Lol
I didnt want the divorce KD. I just didnt take the time to make my marriage good. I was a very selfish person then. I guess I still am to a point because I do love my XH with all my heart and I would like him to be with me.

But I also know that I need to fix myself before that can ever happen. And then, I realize that it may not happen in the end. But I can still hope for a future.

I have NCd for the most part two days, with the exception of the small bit regarding our son. I realize two days isnt the 6 weeks we have been apart. I am trying. Hard. Yesterday and today, I think have probably been the easiest thus far.

Im giving it my best. Honestly. I am. I want to be healthy. I want a healthy relationship, whether or not that is with XH Im not sure. Yes. In the end, he is the person that I still want to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone here on this forum wants that in the end. Otherwise they wouldnt be here.

I dont see me giving up any time soon on me. On us. On our future. Yes. He has a GF. But that still doesnt make her the better option in the end.

[~ kd ~]

Funny thing, people...

While they may WANT what they can't have...

They're "path of least resistance" creatures...

Meaning... they'll take what's EASIER...

but MIGHT...

put a little more effort into getting what is BETTER...

so long as it's not too high in the tree...

Lol yeah well he has the "easy" right now... just not the better option.

Exactly!

Let me ask you...

What... "problem"... do you find regarding having contact with your H?

I don't mean the fact that you get the butterfly feeling in your stomache, can't think straight... only think of him...

because...

that's "normal"... for people who are attracted to someone...

KEEP THAT ATTRACTION...

be more focused on changing what might be negative reactions...

what negative reactions are you encountering... in yourself...?

Again, your goal is to get back with your X.

With that goal in mind, everything you do other than becoming a better person (which is a positive and helpful) should be considered as, is it:

+ helpful
+ harmful
+ has no effect

If it is harmful, then stop doing it.

Harmful as in... it is pushing your X away...

Otherwise... no need to stop doing what's working. ie. what's bringing the two of you closer...

[~ kd ~]

OK, lets narrow focus here:

He has a GF. So what? If that's a big deal in your personal boundaries, then walk away until he is single. Work on yourself and be a great option for someone ELSE that might find their way into your mind and heart.

You indicate that you want to fix yourself? In what ways? What specifically do you want to "fix"?

Of these things that you want to fix, are any of them ALSO things that your X might have had issue with? Bonus points on those ones that you fix.

So, back to basics... beginner's mind...

If you could answer the following:

Is your X having a GF a boundary? ie. You will not pursue someone who is in a relationship.

What things do you want to fix?

[Arsene]

Wow, you guys have been busy in your time zone today. I just caught up on your sitch MrsD and Tried to address stuff as I saw it. Here's my take on it. Sorry if a lot of it repeats what't been said by others.

BTW, KDs words? Invaluable!!

Here is goes girl!!

Are you familiar with the Stockdale Paradox? It is the best framework I've seen for doing this whole "hope" vs. "brutal reality" balancing act that needs to be done. You might want to Google it.

Yup! Powerful stuff

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” Vice Admiral James Bond Stockdale

I fear letting him go because it seems that its what I had done while we were in a relationship. I didnt make him my number one. Something in my mind tells me if I act as if I dont really care what hes doing, Ill lose him further. Im afraid of not letting him know what I am doing when Im doing stuff because thats what I had done before. I just want to do whats right, you know?

That's the way he felt when you left him. How did you feel when he did all of this ^^^^^^ to you? Did you suddenly fall in love with him and vowed your undying love? This should guide your moves MrsD. You've been on both sides. OK, you're not proud of what you did but maybe you can use what you've learned from it positively.

And the darndest part is if she knew thats how I actually felt right now she'd probably be working on us as we speak, but if she heard me say any of that right now she wouldnt believe even one part of it was genuine. I'll show her in the long run though b/c im gonna live it not say it.

Amen to this!

Ok - so my next question is how do you mend a broken heart?

Time, and GAL!!

Carnac, Sup, Arsene -. NO EMBRACES TONIGHT! ! But as I was walking by, he sorta acted like he was expecting one. I just walked in by, said good bye, and we were outties. I am very very very proud of myself! !!

Bravo!!! I know it does feel counter intuitive but that's the point. Our intuition, pursuing, begging, pleading, etc... doesn't work!

[Mrs D]

The problem I have when we connect... Id have to say its my confidence and my self esteem. I find myself comparing to her because I feel I am damaged goods to him. She has a clean slate and could make everything he is looking for. With that in mind, I dont feel as if we connect as we had before. I dont want to say the wrong thing. Or i guess I just don't feel myself when we do interact. Like its almost forced. That to me is a huge negative because for 12 years its been light. Airy. We were best friends. So knowing he has her, I dont want to overstep my boundries. And I dont even know what THEY are anymore.

Otherwise, Im not even sure I feel any negatives from him. I mean, even the few embraces weve had it seemed as if he enjoyed them as well. He even looked as if he was expecting it tonight. But because I know thats a big no no, I simply left. And he almost looked surprised it didnt happen?

Anyway KD. My confidence and esteem are shot. And its mainly because he has her. And whats odd is I dont feel like Im competing against her. Because in all honesty, I know I am the better option even though Im a bit damaged. I know what he felt in his heart 7 weeks ago. I know his questioning why I am making the changes now that we are divorced makes me think he IS thinking what if..... so then my question to you knowing somethings I have pointed out, where did my confidence go?

[~ kd ~]

There... that's good stuff, MrsD... stuff that you can actual work on that will benefit you... AND... might also benefit your possible R with your X... or at least your interactions with him...

You can not take away from the reality that you and your X have "history"... of course, his story and your story about your past M is probably different...

Now... you are GOING to be told that he is cake eating, if you haven't been told that, already.

First... so what...? he stays connected to you... while you are working on yourself...

Second, he isn't cake eating if he's having an EA with you. He's transferring his emotional connection FROM GF TO YOU.

I will tell you... that in a "normal" world... I DO NOT date women who are dating others. But... this world we find ourselves, in our sitches... is not "normal"... unless you base normal on statistics...

You have the edge up on GF because you and your X have a longer history AND... have children together...

Your X is obviously confused... if he clearly wanted nothing from you, he'd not be part of your life. He clearly is not opposed to the physical connection. He clearly is not opposed to the emotional connection...

He is just... scared... scared that... IF... he were to get back with you... that you might betray him, again...

Seriously, rethink your self confidence, because from where I sit, you could easily have your X back... he's attracted to you...

It's YOU... YOU... are afraid, too... His fear is obvious and... you'd probably say... warranted...

You are afraid why? Because you had a weak moment? That you are now a bad person because you did something that you believe you should not have? That you will repeat your mistakes...?

Doesn't sound like it, to me...

Your confidence is low because... you think you are a bad person? You have no idea the history of his GF... she could have committed fraud, or had her own past infidelities, or even worse...

So again... what are your fears... about YOU?

[Mrs D]

OK, lets narrow focus here:

He has a GF. So what? If that's a big deal in your personal boundaries, then walk away until he is single. Work on yourself and be a great option for someone ELSE that might find their way into your mind and heart.

You indicate that you want to fix yourself? In what ways? What specifically do you want to "fix"?

Of these things that you want to fix, are any of them ALSO things that your X might have had issue with? Bonus points on those ones that you fix.

So, back to basics... beginner's mind...

If you could answer the following:

Is your X having a GF a boundary? ie. You will not pursue someone who is in a relationship.

What things do you want to fix?

You are right. I do not want to be with anyone that is in a relationship. Boundry #1. But then in the next breath he says shes not my GF. Shes someone that I can hang out with. (LOL with benefits Im sure)

What do I want to fix.... Back when I had the MLC 3 years ago, I had a one night fling. Didnt mean anything but what it was. Too much alcohol. Depression. Didn't feel appreciated where I was. It happened. I have yet to forgive myself for that night. And Im working on that through IC. The EA with the trainer was stupid. I befriended my PT and we texted all the time. Of course my XH was upset and asked me to stop. I was stubborn and said he couldn't tell me who I was going to be friends with. Dumb stupid move on my part. Ended our marriage.

So I want to work on being more open anda honest. I need to work on my communication skills with anyone to be honest. I can write down what I am feeling but for the life of me I cannot communicate it if I were speaking to you. Now that I believe I am out of MLC, I dont go out regularly. Shoot I don't even go to bars any longer. I focus more on my son if anything. Before I made my friends and the social scene a priority. Ive ditched the not so good friends. Ive ditched the PT. Ive made alot if good changes already, and I feel I have even more to make with the communications, the being open and honest, and the one thing I absolutely HAVE to do, and I struggle with it, is to forgive myself. I will never be able to love myself, or love another till I can do that.

I think the reason for the fling waz MLC. We will explore that more after we get through my issues as a kid Im sure.

Bottom line: I just want to be a kind of person my kids will look up too. I want them to be proud when they say thats my mom. I didn't ever have that opportunity with my mom. I personally thought she deserved everything handed to her (she left my dad when i was 8). She lead us kids into an awful childhood.. i know i need to forgive her as well at some point. ..

[~ kd ~]

Keep your post above as a reference. It was awesome and is worth printing out and sticking on a few surfaces as a reminder of a past that you are done with (the "MLC years") as well as a future and goals to work towards and look forward to.

[Mrs D]

I dont fear making the mistakes again. Cause I know that the hurt Ive felt the past 6 weeks have been hell. I can't imagine how he felt off and on the past three years. Even if he and I never work out, I could never ever do that again. To anyone.

I think what I fear now is dealing with my past while in childhood for the most part. And that because of all the stuff I dealt him, that he may never be able to forgive and trust me again. Those two things.

As for the GF. Ive heard enough if her history and its not pretty. And maybe thats why I don't feel like Im competing? Idk. Like I said. I know I am the better option. I just need to start believing it within ME now.

[Mrs D]

Keep your post above as a reference. It was awesome and is worth printing out and sticking on a few surfaces as a reminder of a past that you are done with (the "MLC years") as well as a future and goals to work towards and look forward to.

Thanks KD. Ill print it tomorrow. Seems like I had a mini IC with you tonight. Thank you!