MrsD, Part of the problem you're having is physiological. Have you read up about PEAs at all, and affair withdrawal?
The concept is the same, and it's one of the reasons why many of us are stressing NO CONTACT for you. Each and every time you have contact with your ex-husband, endorphines (PEAs) are released in your brain, and it sets your withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00 with your ex-husband. And you start reeling, and the cycle repeats.
If you would stop your hyper-focus on him, and "what could have been" (and what might still be, someday), and STOP CONTACT, your brain and emotions would begin the withdrawal process and -- if allowed to continue, unfettered by more contact -- you will eventually be in a better place, emotionally.
I don't know any other way to put it. Your continued contact with your ex-husband is setting you back in your recovery, in my opinion.
Starsky
Bingo ^^^!!!
You need to Detach completely & go NC for awhile! Give it a chance to work, and if after a long while it is backfiring, then go back to some mediocre contact!
If the OW is as bad as you & others are saying, pull back & allow him to see what he is missing in you & what he is dealing with in her!
My sister has been going through a D for 18 months now. Her H has had his OW move in with him. My sister went NC for a very long time other than child exchanges in which she would just stand at the door & wait for kids. Since then, her H has made many off-beat comments how smothering & controlling his OW is to my sister. She doesn't respond to him & just says oh, sounds like you have it under control though etc...By letting him figure these things out on his own & not telling him, he has been more cordial with sister & opened up to her without her even asking any details.
Not sure how their sitch will turn out cause sister doesn't actually DB, although I have tried to get her to read the book.
Not sure it's the best example, but nonetheless it's an example...LoL
