To Lovingly Detach

[25yearsmlc]

Just a bit of journaling.

Today was overall nice. I went to the pool for my daily laps with D8 (she is still on holiday) and I managed to get a few things done on the job-hunt front.

My big problem is that I always think about my sitch (I'm sure I'm not alone) and I have to get busy and keep my mind off of it. I'm still usually able to keep a PMA but it's very demanding and I just know what a relief it would be to not think about it for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Hopefully when I start working it'll help.

IT will. Think about working as much as you can without affecting d8...get your mind off the sitch AND relieve financial stresses you have felt and become the best provider you can. It matters.

So I spent most of the day online, looking for jobs and clubs or support groups I could join in this city and guess what? There isn't much posted online and what there is usually costs more than I can afford. I'm also down to four local universities where I looked for language lessons an most don't have such a program (this is not an immigration country) and the one I found which did, charges more than I can afford. Not looking good for GALing.


I call BS on that. See my post above about GAL...you must expand the way you perceive what GAL is. And meet some new people too! That is key.

Tomorrow I'm meeting someone re: teaching English to the entire staff of a medical clinic. If this goes through, I could be starting as early as this Saturday and just this 6 hours of teaching, one day per week, would give me enough to live in this country. This would be great as it would allow me to still take care of D8 and to continue work on my music.

W came around tonight because D8 wanted to see her. She was again dropped off by OM. Nothing wrong but it was just one of these days when we didn't really have anything to say to one another. We went for a walk with D8 (I had told D8 that we would go for a walk after dinner and when W arrived D8 asked again so we all went together). D8 rode her bike so W and I were left alone for quite some time but nothing much was said, other than me and D8 goofing off whenever she rode past us.


W looked tired. She told me that yesterday's event ended up being a flop. She complained about having been "sabotaged" by her "colleagues/friends", and she displayed anger and malice about them in a way I didn't know she had in her. It made me sad to see that. She used to be so loving, patient and forgiving. She used to be loved and respected by all, and now this. I simply validated and listened.

So the temper and anger from HER makes you feel that she is hurting her life. See any pattern there for you to learn from? I mean, isnt' Your anger and temper what caused you two to have a rift in the first place? Didn't you just say that?

I wish I could have told her that we reap what we sow and that the person she is now might be influencing the way people behave with her.

But you'd be better off telling yourself that, right?


Maybe I could have helped her see how she has changed, not necessarily for the best, but I guess that would have been me trying to fix her when she doesn't think she needs fixing. So I said nothing and tried not to show my sadness.


Not fixing so much as just criticizing her and judging, again.

I also notice how D8, although she misses her mom, doesn't seem to be so attached to her anymore. I think W also noticed and it also made her sad. It breaks my heart to see this.

Still, after D8 went to bed, I left them alone for 30 minutes but I eventually asked W to leave because I had to go to bed as well. I think wife was a bit surprised to be "asked to leave" and when she did, we just exchanged a brief "goodbye". I didn't accompany her to the door, she just left on her own, to go meet OM around the corner.

Now, I'm sitting here, telling you this sad story and although it does sadden me, there is also a certain fatalistic indifference creeping in, which doesn't please me at all.

Thanks for listening.

that "indifference" MIGHT be detachment creeping in. IF it protects you and you don't get mean about it,

it's probably a healthy step. I'm Not positive, but that's my take on it atm. Ask Bond, he may have another insight there.

Hang in there. I think there is some progress or movement happening in both of you.

Don't pursue and keep on GAL and working on detachment. LEt your w learn what it means to be on her own OR with OM.

Don't point it out, don't "think about how SHE reaps what she sows" and ever think of telling her that.

Boy that will backfire in your face FAST...you'll regret it.

Just keep doing what you are doing and get a PMA b/c your d needs it, and so do you

[MrBond]

"Read Denver's whole thread and see how he focuses ON HIMSELF and what HE can do to be a better man, and a better h."

Starsky (puppudogtails) pretty much did the same thing.

"I can't think of a single nasty comment by Denver about his w."

I don't think either of them did.

"I fear he had a different name before, "left" DBing & came back with a new name but same issues w/DBing. If so, If he used to be another poster who got banned and came back with a new name but pounding the same points, it doesn't feel honest to pretend otherwise."

Personally I feel that he did right by confessing it to everyone. He left along with others debating the whole "exposure" thing. I think now moreso than before, everyone agrees that while they may not agree on this issue, everyone has a right to their own opinion on it.

The point I was just making was that both (and even yourself 25) took the focus off their spouses and back onto themselves.

[roughenough]

Motto I Live By: "You attract what You are, NOT what You want"...It's wiser to focus on taking care of "your side of the street" than to focus on what others are not..

[chatterbug]

I DO agree that detachment and moving on, seemed to help both.

And it's probably not worth arguing & I don't want to hijack, but the "two essentially the same approach" is not my recall at all.

Far from it. Read Denver's whole thread and see how he focuses ON HIMSELF and what HE can do to be a better man, and a better h.

I can't think of a single nasty comment by Denver about his w.

It's hard to know or assess with Starsky. I fear he had a different name before, "left" DBing & came back with a new name but same issues w/DBing. If so, If he used to be another poster who got banned and came back with a new name but pounding the same points, it doesn't feel honest to pretend otherwise.

Sorry to hijack topics.

Interesting way of dis-creating the poster that you have a difference of opinion with.

Starsky has been here since 2004. 3 id's He is open about that. You full well know you can click on his name and topic's created.

Transparency a good one. started on 08/08/2012 last reply 08/21/2012

I am sure you were reading the newcommer section during that time and would have seen it.

Would it not just be better to say.

I do not agree with Starsky's advice. Here is why based on your stitch and then leave it at that.

Or even better.

Just say... Here is my opinion. And leave the insults out of it.

Our friend here is an adult. They can formulate their own opinions of posters.

[Denver_2010]

As far as OM goes, I am not sure you can make someone reconsider an A or not?? I think that most times those things fizzle out on their own, or at least that is my hope. All you can do is work on yourself & be the Man/Father that any woman would want to be with.

Things fizzle out on there own... (sigh)... that's the ONLY way guys. You cannot force it, expedite it, will it to happen... Feelings for OP must be resolved by your WAS's before any R is possible.

A few other thoughts on your sitch...

Arsene - Lose the anger. 25 is absolutely correct on this. It is doing you zero good. IMO, anger is a symptom of being hurt. Recognize that. IMO, anger is a useless emotion.

You are only a doormat if you feel that you are a doormat. Trust me man, there were many, many times that I did things that other people would have looked at as doormat behavior. However, I quickly decided that I didn't give a F what anyone else thought. I did what I believed was best for me and my M. Everything that I did, every word that I uttered, and every decision that I made, was made deliberately towards doing what gave me the best chance at reconciling my M. Sometimes that meant that I had to eat a huge sh!t sandwich. In the end? I would not change a single thing. It was worth it. And it would have been worth it regardless of whether or not I saved my M, because even in May, when I thought it was over, I KNEW that I had done EVERYTHING that I could to save my M. And I was proud of THAT.

Hang in there.

Denver

P.S. Did you guys to decide to band together? Name the group? There is a good group of you here right now that can get a lot out of supporting one another.

[suppo]

P.S. Did you guys to decide to band together? Name the group? There is a good group of you here right now that can get a lot out of supporting one another.

A few of us have posted the "Freshman Class of 2012" in our signatures & I have tried to support and post as much as I can between work schedules on those who I have either reached out to, or who have reached out to me. Not sure if the "Freshman Class of 2012" is quite sticky enough for most everyone to warm up to though, because it kind-of leaves a bad taste that it will take 4 years to graduate...LoL

I am open to options/names! I was thinking the "Jedi" or "Band of Brothers". But Band of Brothers may have copyright infringements...LoL! Plus it would kind of insinuate that woman aren't welcome either.

Any suggestions from my peeps in the weeds with me???

[Mrs D]

Arsene - Lose the anger. 25 is absolutely correct on this. It is doing you zero good. IMO, anger is a symptom of being hurt. Recognize that. IMO, anger is a useless emotion.

Arsene, we had a discussion tonight at my therapy in anger as well. Anger is a mask to cover the hurt. Deal with your hurt and even your vulnerability and ditch the anger best you can. It will only help you deal with things better in the end.

[Arsene]

Thanks for your thoughts. I've written my reply in the following thread as this one is probably going to be locked soon.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2276209&#Post2276209

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=25yearsmlc]
I DO agree that detachment and moving on, seemed to help both.

And it's probably not worth arguing & I don't want to hijack, but the "two essentially the same approach" is not my recall at all.

Far from it. Read Denver's whole thread and see how he focuses ON HIMSELF and what HE can do to be a better man, and a better h.

I can't think of a single nasty comment by Denver about his w.

It's hard to know or assess with Starsky. I fear he had a different name before, "left" DBing & came back with a new name but same issues w/DBing. If so, If he used to be another poster who got banned and came back with a new name but pounding the same points, it doesn't feel honest to pretend otherwise.

Sorry to hijack topics.

Interesting way of dis-creating the poster that you have a difference of opinion with.

Starsky has been here since 2004. 3 id's He is open about that. You full well know you can click on his name and topic's created.

Transparency a good one. started on 08/08/2012 last reply 08/21/2012

Chat, Actually, I did NOT know this^^^^. Recently someone messaged me from DB to tell me they were one and the same people (or 3?).

So I just learned what you are confirming. I didn't think I insulted at all but I realize that is what YOU hear when I post.

While I dont' find it "transparent" at all, that's not important. And since further discussion of this will lead to more hijacking that does not help Arsene, I'll go no further w/it.