Its not so much to flip it, as to see it for what it is, an unrealistic statement. But whatever works is fine, there are no rights and wrongs as long as you dont stay in a rut. I dont care what you have to go through, whether thats whining, slamming doors, crying, anger, feeling sorry for yourself, whatever ......the point is to go THROUGH it, if you do that its all good in the end.
Better make sure Im working from home on those days. People will start to wonder if I do it here at the office. J/K... the people here are wonderful to me as well. They all would like to see us work it out as well. They are all very understanding to say the least.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Clinging, suffocating fear is NOT attractive to a man. I can assure you. A strong, confident woman who WANTS me -- if I ever find myself available again -- but doesn't NEED me . . . is very sexy and attractive.
Most men don't dig "needy." (and nearly ALL women don't).
Starsky
Starsky - just had a thought. This is EXACTLY what the chick is he is dating...clingy, and she will be suffocating soon at some point. I do need to be confident. Strong. I was starting slide off the saddle, but Im back in the saddle again..
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
In your case, the woman that's attached to your H isn't clingy in a "fearful" way. She could very well be attracted to him and shows him attention which she gets back in return. So far your H hasn't been exactly pushing her away. So there's a difference.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
In your case, the woman that's attached to your H isn't clingy in a "fearful" way. She could very well be attracted to him and shows him attention which she gets back in return. So far your H hasn't been exactly pushing her away. So there's a difference.
Mm - yes and no. I completely see what you are saying regarding H - but I also know her as a person. That is what she is. In the past week, I have had atleast two people tell me that H needs to run away from her. As fast as he can. But that is not something that I am going to tell him. Its something he needs to see for himself. So. Ill sit back. Work on myself. Make some corn, and watch the show when/if it happens.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Part of the problem you're having is physiological. Have you read up about PEAs at all, and affair withdrawal?
The concept is the same, and it's one of the reasons why many of us are stressing NO CONTACT for you. Each and every time you have contact with your ex-husband, endorphines (PEAs) are released in your brain, and it sets your withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00 with your ex-husband. And you start reeling, and the cycle repeats.
If you would stop your hyper-focus on him, and "what could have been" (and what might still be, someday), and STOP CONTACT, your brain and emotions would begin the withdrawal process and -- if allowed to continue, unfettered by more contact -- you will eventually be in a better place, emotionally.
I don't know any other way to put it. Your continued contact with your ex-husband is setting you back in your recovery, in my opinion.
If though you are divorce, please don't give up hope. But give him his space. Trust me, the more contact you make with him, the further you are pushing him away. When my H walked out on my last July, he told me it was over and there was no hope. I kept pursing him day after day. And I pushed him further and further away. Then one day I woke up and said no more. I had to sell our house and I was living with a friend. After 5 months of separation, he started to come around and noticed the changes that I had made and he noticed that I was becoming a stronger person each time. He admitted to me that scared him. I moved into my own place the day after Christmas and he was afraid that since he can see me getting stronger that he was going to lose me. We started to spend time together and he like what he saw, my changes. He moved in with me this past February and we are pretty happy. We do have our ups and downs but now talk things out. I never gave up hope.
Yeah I read that previously. Only when I read it, I was picturing myself with the EA guy, and I didnt see how it pertained to me. But in this case, yes. I understand thats exactly what is going on. Btw. No contact today other than dealing with our son (dropping off and picking up). Oh and a phone call I made to him prior to that to make sure he wasnt working OT.
Carnac, Sup, Arsene -. NO EMBRACES TONIGHT! ! But as I was walking by, he sorta acted like he was expecting one. I just walked in by, said good bye, and we were outties. I am very very very proud of myself! !!
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
MrsD, Part of the problem you're having is physiological. Have you read up about PEAs at all, and affair withdrawal?
The concept is the same, and it's one of the reasons why many of us are stressing NO CONTACT for you. Each and every time you have contact with your ex-husband, endorphines (PEAs) are released in your brain, and it sets your withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00 with your ex-husband. And you start reeling, and the cycle repeats.
If you would stop your hyper-focus on him, and "what could have been" (and what might still be, someday), and STOP CONTACT, your brain and emotions would begin the withdrawal process and -- if allowed to continue, unfettered by more contact -- you will eventually be in a better place, emotionally.
I don't know any other way to put it. Your continued contact with your ex-husband is setting you back in your recovery, in my opinion.
Starsky
Bingo ^^^!!!
You need to Detach completely & go NC for awhile! Give it a chance to work, and if after a long while it is backfiring, then go back to some mediocre contact!
If the OW is as bad as you & others are saying, pull back & allow him to see what he is missing in you & what he is dealing with in her!
My sister has been going through a D for 18 months now. Her H has had his OW move in with him. My sister went NC for a very long time other than child exchanges in which she would just stand at the door & wait for kids. Since then, her H has made many off-beat comments how smothering & controlling his OW is to my sister. She doesn't respond to him & just says oh, sounds like you have it under control though etc...By letting him figure these things out on his own & not telling him, he has been more cordial with sister & opened up to her without her even asking any details.
Not sure how their sitch will turn out cause sister doesn't actually DB, although I have tried to get her to read the book.
Not sure it's the best example, but nonetheless it's an example...LoL
Oh Hopeful I love to read stories of reconciliation!!! I think I have done so much better with not pursuing this week than I have in previous weeks. My four downfalls were Saturday with the two texts. And then Monday with the reminding of the concert and then the embrace. That is soooo much better than what I have done in previous weeks, I know.
With that being said, I walked into my XH house to get our son, used the restroom, collected some shorts (cause he seems to have the all), said goodbye and left. No embrace. Nothing. Yay me!!!
Im going to check your thread out after I finish Starskys, Denvers and Sups. Thanks again for posting your story and giving me hope!!!
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
