Journaling: And a warning that today's not a particularly good day mentally for me... You know, roller coaster and all...
Today, the hole in my heart is more recognizable than usual. I woke up this morning acutely aware of how empty the house is these days and how powerless I am to change the situation.
The more resolute I become about telling W that I can't be in her life as a friend or husband so long as OM is in the picture, the more fear creeps into my head. Fear that it'll be the final straw, that it'll be the last conversation we have before papers are served, or fear of the sense of relief I may feel from her end that she can finally end the charade and stop sparing my feelings...
But at the same time, (and this is where it gets annoying) I know that the vast majority of today's feelings of malaise stem from the conversation we had earlier this week, the email she sent with lyrics to yet another song, and the text she sent telling me she'd finally changed her address at the post office... These things just keep reminding me that she's gone, probably spending time with an OM, and I'm back here... available whenever she needs it...
I KNOW I can't keep this up. It's not good for me mentally. Every time I feel like I'm making good detachment progress, that my GAL is helping me to grow... We have a conversation and I slide back into this sadness for a few days again...
I know that telling her I can't continue along this path won't be a cure-all to these things... But I'm hopeful it will help... And I'm terrified it won't.
