I have been praying for my family, and for a sign that they are doing ok. After 3 weeks without seeing my W and SS13, the Lord has blessed me with seeing them.
This Monday, I went to the house we were renting to clean the back yard because this coming Sunday I will return it to the landlord. I was on the back yard when a boy came in and said that someone was looking for me, and to my surprise it was my W. I said hi, and she asked me if I had picked up the dogs, I said yes. I smiled because twice before she had used the excuse to call me about her worrying about the dogs. She smiled too, and said "what an excuse, uh? She just said she was driving by to the store when she saw the truck, and stopped to see how I am doing, and before I said something she got all defensive. She was saying that she knew what I was going to say and that I could keep all comments to myself. All I said was that she did not have to worry about what I think of her, that she is a grown person and it was up to her to deal with her emotions. She calmed down and ask me for a hug, to which I denied. Her face and eyes were dim, there was no light in her, she seemed very distant from everything. I was struggling real hard inside, every single cell in my body wanted that hug. I asked her about my SS13, and for her to allow me to see him, she agreed on that moment, but she is very fickle and may not keep her word. We talked for a little while longer about simple stuff. It was getting dark and she said she was leaving to the store to return some pants, but instead of getting in her car she started walking to the my truck. She said, "Please, go with me, just this time", there, I lost everything I have worked so hard to detach. I got in the truck with her, she asked me why I have not rented an apartment, and the reason is because me and my partner might close our drafting company in the next month because of tax issues. She held my hand and said she was sorry, but that she knew what I am capable off to be ok. I asked her if she was not worried about OM finding out she was with me. She said she did not care and that she wanted peace for everything that is going on. We exchanged her pants and went to the truck, and when I was driving she kissed me on the cheek, close to my lips.
From there, is just histoy. After a few hours we went back to pick up her car. On the way back, she asked me to move together out of town. I said no, that I still love her but that my trust in her was gone. She told me she were she was working and that I could go see her there if I change my mind. I do not even know how to explain how I am feeling, I do not want her back in my life, but I do enjoy her presence. She was crying, and saying she was sorry things did not worked out for us. She was blaming me for our brake up, I remind her that she was the one being unfaithful, and that her decision of being with someone else and whatever guilt she was feeling was hers to deal with. She said she misses me and can not let go of me. She said she still considers me her husband, to which I said if she really believes that, why she did not do anything to restore our M, and why she still with OM. She just said I can end it whenever I want to. I said that is "fine".
I am gathering up again, but now I realize that my co-dependecy for her is still very strong, and that I have to work even harder to deal with it.
Enough of that, and to more pleasent things, I saw my SS13 yesterday!! It was a great moment, again I went to the house to do some more cleaning and he was there picking up some of his stuff. I walked in and he hugged me real thight. I said to him that I miss him and he says he misses me too. We talked about him going to school, and what he needs to do when he does not understands something. Just to let all of you know, SS13 has battled speech, attention and learning dissorders all of his life. I have been there with him all the way thru. When he was 8 he made the promise of not being a "special kid" anymore. It brings tears to my eyes, because he has kept his promise and 2 years ago he got out of the special education program. Last semester he got "student of the month" for the complete school.
I wish I could extend the hours longer, but he needed to go home to his grandma. I took him, put his bike and his stuff in the truck and drove him home. I gave him my phone number, and told him he needed to let his mom know that he saw me and that I give him the number.
It has been a great week, I got from the Lord what I have been asking for. The only bad thing is I did not want to resist the temptation of being with my W. I have gathered up my self pretty good, but it makes me think if there is something I am covering unconsciously to accept seeing my wife.
Sorry dude, I have been busy and have neglected to check in on you. I just read up on your post and the first thing I want to say is sorry. Sorry that you are going through this crap.
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On the way back, she asked me to move together out of town. I said no, that I still love her but that my trust in her was gone.
Looks like an honest statement if ya ask me. I just wonder if emotionally you are in a place to say “no’. Damn that freaking latin pride always works it’s way in. I hate it. What about you?
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She told me she were she was working and that I could go see her there if I change my mind.
Sounds to me like she left the door open…..Hmmm…funny it appears that you may have the POWER back over YOUR choice. AA, you and only you can decide what it is you want. Only you buddy.
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I do not even know how to explain how I am feeling,
Hmm….angry, hurt, betrayed, lied to, abused, lonely, discarded…..I have a funny feeling that a few these would apply, which is why you feel like……
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I do not want her back in my life,
That said, you still love her IMO. Why?.....
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but I do enjoy her presence
That’s why ^^^^
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She was blaming me for our brake up, I remind her that she was the one being unfaithful, and that her decision of being with someone else and whatever guilt she was feeling was hers to deal with.
The blaming you is normal. She is not ready to face HER choice. That said, please realize that it take TWO to break an R. You had a role in this buddy…..you may not want to hear that and right now it is easy to blame her for all of this crap since she is banging someone else…but do not lose the fact that you two had a role.
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She said she misses me and can not let go of me.
10 years is a long time buddy…she is probably being honest.
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She said she still considers me her husband, to which I said if she really believes that, why she did not do anything to restore our M, and why she still with OM.
Another example of where a good case of STFY may have been a better option. IMO, you put the blame of the failure ALL On her. You tried to guilt her. You want her to FEEL bad. I get it dude. I totally get it. Why not….just say nothing or….something along the lines of “while you are with OM – I will not be a part of your life”. And leave it as just that.
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We talked about him going to school, and what he needs to do when he does not understands something. Just to let all of you know, SS13 has battled speech, attention and learning dissorders all of his life. I have been there with him all the way thru. When he was 8 he made the promise of not being a "special kid" anymore. It brings tears to my eyes, because he has kept his promise and 2 years ago he got out of the special education program. Last semester he got "student of the month" for the complete school.
Step children or not – YOU helped raise him. YOU were a role model in his life. I cannot implore you enough to try and remain in HIS life. These kids need you and believe it or not….you need them.
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I gave him my phone number, and told him he needed to let his mom know that he saw me and that I give him the number.
He does not have to let his mom know chit! The R between you two is between YOU two. Do not put his mom in the middle!
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but it makes me think if there is something I am covering unconsciously to accept seeing my wife
Ayep…. 1) you still love her 2) you are still afraid to lose her 3) you are still not digging deep enough. Just my opinion.
So what else is going on in your life?
Oh by the way…..
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it sounds to me that your wife would like to R the M. it also sounds to me that you are not sure if you do?
Re: this quote from Scaredsilly….I agree and will only say that you do not have to make a choice today on if you want her back. Sometimes…doing nothing is doing something!
Anger and Pride are feelings that can often make us FEEL like we need to do something. In my experience….that is NOT the time to do something or to make a choice.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks for your response. So much things going in my head, Pride? Anger? Loneliness? Yes, all of this are going on right now.
Eric, you are telling me if I am emotionally ready to say no, and by the latino pride working his way in. My friend I am working to have my emotions in a healthier place, I am working on my spirit to glow again. I do not trust my W a bit, and as I have said before I have come to terms that I love her. Self preservation has kicked in, and I just see her doing real stupid things that is hurting her kids and her self and by concecuence me. I do not see my self back with W, is it the latino pride? is it my lack of trust? Who knows!! I just do not want to feel the pain all over again.
When she asked me if we could move back together out of town, I just do not believe it. I am afraid she will find herself mourning for the OM and just leaving me again for the 3rd time. It might be a true statement, but my head is way too clouded, full of her lies.
I have always accepted that it takes two to make or brake a relationship. I have accepted the share of my responsability, and she knows that. In the other hand, she is hidding her guilt on what I did. What I tried to do was to remind her, exactly what you are saying, that it takes two to damage the R. I guess I did not choose my words correctly, or for better STFU.
I am not playing a game of guilt. It is just that everytime the R conversations start she brings all the bad things about me. I have always stayed quiet, and my responses have been limited, without accepting or apologizing for my past behavior, to avoid sparking a fight. I have learned thru this process to control myself on many things. It is a long journey because change takes time.
Going to Scaredsilly remark of W wanting R the M, and me not being sure if I do. I agree more with last statement of me not wanting to R on the M. Right now my choice is not to do anything, like you are saying, anger and pride are not good councelors. I am doing a lot by just not doing anything. The proof is that W has contacted me when she was the one to let me know that 3 weeks ago we had our last conversation. I have detached enough to let her go thru her emotions, let her live her life and love OM if that is what she decides. I accept my present moment, and it has helped me to sleep better at night, it has help to continue with my life. I have been keeping from dwelling in the pain. It clouds our heads as well as our hearts, and stupid decisions are made that way.
Eric, I am glad you are back.. Thanks again to the both of you..
I love my W, no doubts!! Am I afraid to lose her? I have already lost her twice, I just do not want to go thru that again. I can say with all honesty that I am afraid of getting hurt again. With this said and rationalizing in this, yes there is still that very dim hope that something I see in her will truly make me change my point of view and restart working on the R.
For the mean time, go dim again and keep detaching..
I do not trust my W a bit, and as I have said before I have come to terms that I love her.
Trust can be regained buddy. It aint easy but it can be regained with a LOT of HARD work. I have found that pride and anger are the biggest obstacle one can face when trying to decide IF one wants to do the work to regain that trust. That said, it still would take TWO people.
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I just do not want to feel the pain all over again.
To truly love is to RISK pain. Be it with your X or with any future relationship. As the old saying goes, no pain no gain. Life buddy will have pain in it. As someone said to me recently, it is the trying times that really make the good times SOOOOO special.
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I just do not believe it.
I totally get this.. Do you know what YOU would need to believe her again? Does she know? If she doesn’t…well she can’t read your mind.
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I am afraid she will find herself mourning for the OM and just leaving me again for the 3rd time.
She probably will….does that mean thought that she could not change her mind and after grieving be with the man that has shown character, strength, patience and understanding – while also LIVING UP to the HEALTHY boundaries that he has set?
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In the other hand, she is hidding her guilt on what I did. What I tried to do was to remind her,
She is GONNA hide! She probably has GUILT – wouldn’t YOU? Remind her….how does that help? Isn’t that the same thing as HER reminding YOU of YOUR mistakes? At somepoint, you would need to discuss the mistakes you both made. Is NOW the right time? Slow and steady will usually win the race. I am not saying she gets a free pass – nope – but the more you remind her the more likely she is to say F it and give up. Is that what you really want?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Trust can be regained of course, and it takes TWO to make it work. Rigth now I am not in the position to make any decisions, I am hurt, my head is foggy, my feelings are all out of wack and the only clear thing is that I can not make any decisions.
A month and a half ago, I went back home, just to see it crumble again in two weeks. I went out for a couple of hours because my W was going out with her cousins and we were supposed to come back at the same time, I got home, but she never did and we have been separated again since that day. After that, I just crumbled, my desire to R the M are next to nothing. Like I said, it has to be something that comes from her that will make me re-start the sparkle. So far, I have not seen anything, and your question to me will probably be: How will she ever know what she needs to do to regain your trust? She is not a mind reader that is for sure, and I would not expect her to do anything. What I am saying is that I would like to see that she is going opposite way on the stuff she is doing right now not because I have to tell her, but because it is her desire to do so. In those two weeks I did let her know that my trust in her was weak, and that I needed to be reasured of her commitment, just like it says on the DB book. It did not happened.
I am working on myself, it is a long road and will take time. I am working on detaching, even though it is pretty difficult, but every day I put my family in God's hand and ask him to bring His peace on me as well as W. I am coming to terms that I am not the fixer of her life, I want to be on the point of knowing that I love her, but though it out and let her deal with her own responsabilities. The most difficult thing for me right now is not to give in, I have done it twice this week, 1st when she looked for me, and 2nd this Sunday when I felt the necessity to see her. I see this setbacks, but I am not going over and over again feeling guilty for giving in. I see them as an opportunity to see where my weakness is and work on it. I am on the Lord's hands, and learning that my relationship with Him needs to be restored first before anything else.
I know she is hurting, I have witness it twice this past week that we came in contact. I can see in her face going thru alot of emotions, she only knows what she is dealing with, but I can definately see it is not easy for her as well when she sees me. Both times she cried, so I guess she feels guilty and remorse.
I have kept from most of the part not to blame her, or remind her of her faults. This past time, I just could not take it anymore, but from there she started defending her self and pointing out to the wrongs in our relationship, this time I just listened to her.
Eric, I know what you are saying, and for me not to take any decisions that I will regret. I also sense that is better to stand for my R and endure the raid. To really love someone is to risk pain, but right now is way to risky because is going over any healthy boundaries, that is way I am saying that I do not want to go thru that pain again. It is too early for me to take on XW word and try it again.
I have the need and the want to better my self, for this R or if there is a new one on the future. I am on the Lord's hand and I am just waiting on Him to renew my strength to soar with eagles wings, to run and not be weary, to walk and not to faint (Isaiah 40:31). Here is were I stand now, in fixing my self with God, and learning to let God fix the others.
Eric, you are a God's send. Your advice and insights have made me see many faults and many goods in me. I will always be greatful.
It is a cloudy day, literally, and has been quite a roller coaster of a week on my emotions.
Anger, pain, loneliness, sadness.. Well, what the heck, it is LIFE what I am going thru, it is just the attitute you take this things with. I am not going to say that I am a Guru and have total control over my emotions. I honestly do not want to have total control over my emotions, I want to live LIFE as the Lord God throws it at me. HE is with me, therefore nobody is against me.
All of you out there, keep fighting for what is real to you, have faith in the Lord. What He is got in stock for you will always be the best..
If any one has read my posts your two cents are always appreciated as it always brings light and helps me discover things that I might be taking for granted.
A few days ago I was asked: Why are you here? What is it that you want? The answe is just above.. It is a way to share my feelings and receive the amazing advice without anybody having to judge..
All of these feeling will pass bro. They will. Feel them and then hand them over to Him.
Take care of you man...
Try and have some fun this weekend. Something, anything, pray, go for a walk, enjoy a movie...
Okay.
I'm going camping with my girlfriend so i'll check back on Monday.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
It has been a pretty interesting weekend, XW tried to contact me over the weekend, she went to my aunt's house to deliver a car insurance letter, which is about 2 months old. As everybody in here says do not assume anything, but I guessed she was trying to make contact. I spend every weekend with my Mom therefore I found out about it until monday when I came back. None the less, it troubled me and my emotions went overboard, therefore I went to look for her at her work, she saw me and smiled. She literally run to meet me and hugged me, she said she has been thinking about me lately. We spoke very little, but she invited me to lunch. At lunch she told me OM has already bought her a house and will be moving within the week, she mentioned she does not wants that, and prefers to be by herself and my SS13 in a little apartment. She talked a lot about me, and how she compares OM to the me, and said he is a great provider and makes really good money, but falls short on what I have done for her. She remembers how we moved from a fall-apart trailer home to a little house, then to a bigger house, and finally to be on a real comfortable home. She sees all the struggles we have gone thru and prefers that to a life of luxury according to what she said. She also mentioned that OM is very nice when speaking on the phone, but that he is really jealous and for wathever little reason he is always talking crap about me (he doesn't even knows me). She said that it is a continuous fight and that she does not wants that. She said she does not want to live with me either again soon because of the same reason that we were fighting a lot before we separated. I agreed with her and said we will be struggling, and I will probably be full of insecurities. She said she needs to make a decision and comfront OM or stay with him and accept the life she is chosing. She said she does not wants to be misserable and live with a lot of commodities while she is not happy. I pray she makes the right decision for our and S13, whatever it is.
Other thing she mentioned is that when she gets her appartment that she wants to work on having a friendship in which we learn how to trust each other. I do not know if she is playing the part, but she is putting it like she is already making a choice of renting her own appartment, she said she has been working for 2 weeks only, and needs to save for the first month's rent. I honestly pray she will do this, and work on her self.
She apologized to me about been unfaithful and said she regrets not having the courage to fight our fight in the same side, and that her decisions were the wrong ones. I guess pastures are not as greener in the other side as they seemed!!
I guess that is it, and like a said a few days ago. There is that dim hope to see something change in her that will make me feed that little spark all over again. That will be her getting her own place..
