Wholly Cow Carnac! It's like we are living the same life & shadowing each other. You just summarized me and my W in that brief paragraph above.
Starsky,
Right there with you on the Moron part...Wish I was with you on the snapped into action right away...LoL
Of course I don't know 100% that A has happened or is happening, but I haven't pursued or investigated to find out...I am sure that if it is/has happened, that I was a major contributing factor to it. So I decided not to dwell on it & start making the changes that I need to in myself for the long haul, with the HOPE & FAITH that things would work out in the end.
Kind of like that "Stockdale Paradox" that Starsky eluded to in a previous post today.
I was a moron for a couple of YEARS, negating the warnings that others gave me that my wife was ripe for an affair. However, to my credit, once I did find out, I pretty much snapped into action. Made some mistakes along the way, certainly, but never really a problem with resolve.
Starsky
Ok - so my next question is how do you mend a broken heart? Mine just feels so broken, and I feel like that is the reason why I continually make mistakes. I keep busy with my son, with friends, working out, taking walks, etc - but I still have that void of missing my hubs.
BTW - still havent contacted him yet today! But - our son goes with his Dad tonight, so Ill see him. I will be strong.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Ok - so my next question is how do you mend a broken heart? Mine just feels so broken, and I feel like that is the reason why I continually make mistakes. I keep busy with my son, with friends, working out, taking walks, etc - but I still have that void of missing my hubs.
Wholly Cow Carnac! It's like we are living the same life & shadowing each other. You just summarized me and my W in that brief paragraph above.
Starsky,
Right there with you on the Moron part...Wish I was with you on the snapped into action right away...LoL
Of course I don't know 100% that A has happened or is happening, but I haven't pursued or investigated to find out...I am sure that if it is/has happened, that I was a major contributing factor to it. So I decided not to dwell on it & start making the changes that I need to in myself for the long haul, with the HOPE & FAITH that things would work out in the end.
Kind of like that "Stockdale Paradox" that Starsky eluded to in a previous post today.
Its funny reading both your posts, and thats how my life was - BUT I DID have the affair. It was the EA that killed our relationship. I WISH he would be reading my texts, tracking my GPS to see that he can trust me again. But I dont think he is. I know - Im focused on the Ex again Starsky. "Its only been 6 weeks. Its only been 6 weeks. Its only been 6 weeks. Fix yourself. Fix yourself. Fix yourself.. "
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Ok - so my next question is how do you mend a broken heart? Mine just feels so broken, and I feel like that is the reason why I continually make mistakes. I keep busy with my son, with friends, working out, taking walks, etc - but I still have that void of missing my hubs.
Time.
I have all the time in the world to fix me. To fix us. Just hurts knowing I am making the changes. And Im going to move forward in my life loving me. I just wish he was there to love me as well as I go through this all, you know? He wanted this before. He wanted to work with me. He doesnt anymore..
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
MrsD: Work with me here, and im just learning to recognize this myself so im asking you to turn toward this mirror with me and see if we can figure out whats up. I hear you each day show up here and your up beat, positive, happy, confident and ready to take on the day and then by afternoon your back to this whiny sorrowful woe is me person. I hope you'll take that in the spirit it was sent in because I can assure you im talking to me as well. SO if thats true, then lets recognize it and figure out a way to overcome it. My opinion, well my opinion is that we wake up doing well, and we continue to do well for a while, then there's something that triggers us, a song, a thought, boredom, I dont know what and we start dwelling on how bad we have it.
Im learning about cognitive distortion ( I think thats what it is) with my therapist right now and it really is somewhat helpful to figure out what your 'saying' to yourself in your head and then find some rational response to it. Im not very good at it yet but i'll give you an example.....I think if my wife and I dont get back together that i'll never be happy again. Well come on, NEVER be happy again, sure I will, I was happy before we met....its gonna suck for a bit but i'll be happy again.
If my wife and I don't work it out im going to be broke forever.....again FOREVER? Im gonna be broke for a bit b/c of the business we own together and having to buy her out of part of it, but it will only be a few years and i'll be back to the level im at now.
Im sure I did that wrong, and im sure my examples suck and someone here smarter than me can help out with this, but my point is its in your head.....and the best thing you can do for a while when those thoughts come is to write them down and then look at them logically and rationally and see if the statements are even true. Typically this is probably where I would make a somewhat sexist joke about how hard that might be for you since your a woman and logic and reason are completely foreign concepts for women. LOL
I tell you what, you tell me your irrational thoughts here, and i'll look at them through un-tinted glasses and tell you why those things are absurd...maybe it will help us both.
MrsD: Work with me here, and im just learning to recognize this myself so im asking you to turn toward this mirror with me and see if we can figure out whats up. I hear you each day show up here and your up beat, positive, happy, confident and ready to take on the day and then by afternoon your back to this whiny sorrowful woe is me person. I hope you'll take that in the spirit it was sent in because I can assure you im talking to me as well. SO if thats true, then lets recognize it and figure out a way to overcome it. My opinion, well my opinion is that we wake up doing well, and we continue to do well for a while, then there's something that triggers us, a song, a thought, boredom, I dont know what and we start dwelling on how bad we have it.
Im learning about cognitive distortion ( I think thats what it is) with my therapist right now and it really is somewhat helpful to figure out what your 'saying' to yourself in your head and then find some rational response to it. Im not very good at it yet but i'll give you an example.....I think if my wife and I dont get back together that i'll never be happy again. Well come on, NEVER be happy again, sure I will, I was happy before we met....its gonna suck for a bit but i'll be happy again.
If my wife and I don't work it out im going to be broke forever.....again FOREVER? Im gonna be broke for a bit b/c of the business we own together and having to buy her out of part of it, but it will only be a few years and i'll be back to the level im at now.
Im sure I did that wrong, and im sure my examples suck and someone here smarter than me can help out with this, but my point is its in your head.....and the best thing you can do for a while when those thoughts come is to write them down and then look at them logically and rationally and see if the statements are even true. Typically this is probably where I would make a somewhat sexist joke about how hard that might be for you since your a woman and logic and reason are completely foreign concepts for women. LOL
I tell you what, you tell me your irrational thoughts here, and i'll look at them through un-tinted glasses and tell you why those things are absurd...maybe it will help us both.
LOL - you are a God send Carnac. Actually I really am in a good place still. Maybe not as much as this morning, but Im still good. I read the Stockdale Paradox Starsky advise on earlier. Makes alot of sense. And that is yet another posty added to my monitor.
This cognitive distortion seems like - whatever you are thinking - flip it. Make it positive, yes? So my comment to Starsky earlier about how to mend a broken heart.. My mind is saying - my heart will never heal. Its so broken. When in all actually the "mirror" will respond back .. Your heart will heal in time. Continue to work on YOUR issues. Life will be what you make of it. Stop being so glum. This is NOT you. And the the mirror gives a swift kick in the buttocks. LOL
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Quote from Stockdale Paradox that I have added to my monitor:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality"
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Its not so much to flip it, as to see it for what it is, an unrealistic statement. But whatever works is fine, there are no rights and wrongs as long as you dont stay in a rut. I dont care what you have to go through, whether thats whining, slamming doors, crying, anger, feeling sorry for yourself, whatever ......the point is to go THROUGH it, if you do that its all good in the end.
