Ok. Here I go. I've been reading posts on this great site for about 2 months now and trying to save my marriage. Last night (after trying to talk with my wife who I believe from what I've read is a WAW. Am not even sure anymore how to describe her am that confused) I walked away after trying to talk completely lost now as what to do.
I'll start with my story. I hope someone on here can make sense of it because I can't anymore.
My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2 and a half years up to the date she dropped the bomb. Everyone raved about what a great couple we were. In July 2011 her father died while walking. He fell off a cliff. It was devastating for everyone. My wife was never the same after that. Before her dad died our sex life wasn't great. I wanted more sex, she didn't. She always explained it as my problem because my sex drive was high and hers was low. I always started the sex. In the whole 7 years she started sex maybe 3 times at the most and only once did I ever say "am not in the mood right now". Anyway, her dads death ripped our life apart. I tried so hard to be there for her, offering comfort as best I could and trying to listen. Talking or trying to talk about life and the ups and downs that life can throw at people. Always I'd feel I said something wrong (i didn't try to and I don't think I did) she would bite my head off, she struck me a few times in anger. I always tried to understand this was her hurting because of her loss. I put up with it for so long. But after a while I had to take a step back. Partly because she asked for space and also because how hurt I felt not being able to help her. I felt worthless, a failure not being able to help her. I was walking around on egg shells trying not to cause trouble or get in a fight about all the stuff. She shut herself away watching DVD box sets or reading. I'd go in to see her to try and talk or just spend sometime sitting with her but she didn't like me being around her and would say she was busy reading a book or I was in the way as she was watching tv.
Before this we had such a strong bond. Inseparable. We had our own lives and interests we'd do apart but we were together also and shared and believed in our time apart as good for us too.
Her dads death made everything difficult. There was a loss in communication and a loss in intimacy. I wanted to keep that going but I feel I was given no tools by her to keep it going. I put it down to her grief and gave her time and space like she asked. Things were starting to get better or so I thought. We'd laugh and joke sometimes, we went to Egypt on our anniversary vacation we'd always have at the start of the year to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Things were starting to get better (she wrote in her journal on April the 17th 2012. "although things on the surface is better with Kevin and I, in the last few weeks I have realised this is not a marriage more like flat mates"). I didn't think things were fixed totally, far from it but things were slowly getting better.
Well on the 27th of April (it's amazing how guys remember these dates so clearly) she said "Kevin there's problems in our marriage do you want to fix them", I said of "course I do. But let's not try and sort them all at once, we'll take it slow and fix this, I love you." anyway she got drunk that night we tried to talk and she thought I would be happier with someone else. I corrected her and said no its you I love and want to be with. Anyway she got drunk and nothing really got sorted. The reasons she listed as what's wrong we're these. -we don't share a bed. -we don't spend time together. -we don't do anything. -our lives are seperate. -we don't have mutual friends. -we don't have sex. -his smoking annoys me. - my drinking annoys him. - we don't share anything. - we have nothing in common.
All these things I had tried to talk about as they came along as small individual things. I didn't take this list very well and without getting angry or shouting i explained "I've tried to talk to you about these things and most of them were your choices" (the bed thing due to my snoring, lack of sex her choice). They all seemed to me also very small and petty things. Anyway that was the end of April, without pressure I waited for her to ask again about our marriage. The next time was a month later when she said I think we should separate. I told her I loved her but if she really was as unhappy as she said I would let her go because I wanted her to be happy. I said "lets think a bit though ok, don't rush into anything". The next week 5th of june she dropped the bomb and I knew it was for real. I said "am sorry I couldn't have made you happy, I really wanted too. Am sorry". She replied "ditto".
My birthday was the 9th of June, 4 days later and to my surprised she left to go to a festival. Things weren't bad and there was no anger so I was surprised at her just leaving on my birthday. There was a gift but no card. I thanked her for it. Later on that week I felt something was more wrong than just she was unhappy. Shes told me "everything in her life was wrong, her marriage, her job and her location and wanted to move to the city again" (we'd bought a big lovely house in feb 2011 to start a family) It seemed quick her telling me this and then within 6 weeks of her wanting to try to this. I became suspicious. The next week the 17th of June I seen her phone (I had noticed she had started having it by her all the time over the last month or so) I looked through her phone and I found out another guy had caught her eye. I don't know for sure how far it went but I do know a few days before her journal writing she met him on a night out with her friends. He asked for her number, she gave him it then the next day she texted him "by the way am seeing someone. (seeing someone? That's putting it lightly. Your married). The relationship with him did for sure continue with texts and maybe more but on my birthday at this festival she met him again (she says purely by chance) and she pulled him physically for sure this time and said told him "am single now but I was actually married" (I bet this guy doesn't still know the truth). When I found all this out and confronted her with what I'd found. I gave her 3 chances to start with to tell me. She kept saying there's no other reason for wanting a divorce. When I told her what I had found her face said it all. Her face twisted up. Her mouth started to twist. It was horrible to see in her face this. I asked how could she. And on my birthday. She said there was nothing wrong with that because 4 days before she told me it was over so pulling him on my birthday was ok. I don't and neither does anyone else see it as acceptable.
After I found all this out I started doing all the wrong things. Pleading, asked for us to try again. Looking for anyway and every way to get us back on track. Suggesting ways to grow closer again, you name it I thought of it. There was ocean worth of tears by me infront of her. I was even being sick with how it effected me. I got angry, I said horrid things I regretted saying and took them back right away. She said (even though she's now rewriting history and denying it) "I love you but not in love with you", "it's not you it's me", "we have different life goals", "I love you but not in the right way", " you made me feel worthless (what insult to injury after how she treated me)". Now am starting to get the message. She tells me she believes totally 110% it's over. She doesn't and can't try anymore and doesn't want to try. She insists this has nothing to do with another guy (but it seems it all came out or to the surface after this guy showed her attention). I am totally willing to forgive her and fight till my last breath to save our marriage. She wants me to accept its over and move on. I see how it can work again. I don't know what to do and I need advice.
She even had money all figured out how much I was to get for my share of the house. Everything was planned. All my photos are packed away in a box because I think she can't look at me. She wants to keep her rings. Am so unhappy and confused. I really need help.
I know this is a very long post. But it's been a longtime coming so that's why it's so long.
There are small details also that I've left out. I'll mention them in my next few posts am sure. It's amazing how my story seems similar to others. I've got alot out of reading other people's posts so I hope I can return a bit of what I've gotten.
Kevin.
Me -38, W-28 M-2 half years, Together - 7 years Bomb dropped -5/6/12. S-5/6/12, OM- 14/4/12. Found out about OM 17/6/12.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
She asked me to. She was finding it difficult to live with me in the same house. I didn't see it at the time but I think this was part of her plan. I was trying to be helpful and not wanting causing any friction or make things harder for her. Also thought space might be good for us both and also her friend suggested I should.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Through out the last 10 weeks since she told me she wanted to seperate and eventually divorce (in Scotland you must be seperated for a year to get a divorce under mutual seperation or 2-3 years if unagreed) she has remained solid this is what she wants. She says it's because she's unhappy in her life and wants a compete fresh start. Everything in her life she's looking to change.
Some of the smaller details that I have seen are:
1- as I was clearing out my stuff I knocked over some boxes in her office. Inside I noticed she had bought 2 pieces of new sexy underwear on the 15th of June. They were hidden (why hide underwear in your own house unless you have something to hide). 2- she went to the another festival as I was clearing my stuff out the house. For her coming home I run her a bath, put candles in the bathroom and wrote her a song (am a musician). I thought it might be nice and make her rethink. She came home I told her to jump in the bath and listen to the song. She came down 2 minutes later and said "what's with the guilt trip". 3- she has admitted going out on dates with other guys since the seperation (she did say they were boring some of them). 4- she has made comments in texts like "am trying to move on, I want you to do the same", she has removed all photos of me from the house and stored them away (and all other things I've given her life cards letters and the cd with the song on it) in a box under the bed. (this makes me think she is struggling with her desition and might change her mind). 5- she changed her story about her reasons for seperation (I know believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see).
All they things could be all hear say and maybe am searching for hope in them. Like I said she is 100% behind what shes doing (at least that's what she's saying). I've thought about going dark totally. I did go a little dark and she did start to open up about her job worrying and did mention more of her reasons to divorce (we have different life goals and you made me feel worthless). Before she told me nothing apart from she was unhappy and didn't tell me exactly what about. I validated she probably did feel worthless but I told her I never viewed her that way. That everyday she was the most important and always the most beautiful woman in the world and I always wanted her. But now she's contradicting her first stance when she wanted to seperate. It's like she's rewriting history to suit what she's doing (maybe guilt).
She told me she was shocked and surprised and just how hard I've fought and tried to make her change her mind.
That's enough writing for today. I'd love some feedback. And I'd like someone to confirm for me if this is a MLC or a WAW situation.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
That's a terrible story and I feel badly for you. As you've pointed out, there are many of us who have gone through a similar ordeal. I can certainly relate to being in a situation where you tried to give, but your wife refused to receive, then later said that you weren't connecting.
You can torture yourself trying to understand what went wrong and how it might have been prevented -- some of that introspection is good if you can realize your shortcomings and work on them, but sadly you may never understand what happened, and she might not either.
Infidelity is a terrible thing. It can come from having unmet needs and being unhappy, but the only thing that's really *required* is opportunity. It's natural for the LBS to blame themselves, but in fact you might have done everything right and this still happened.
What do you want?
What's going to be most helpful to you?
One of the books I found most helpful being in a similar sitch was to read "The Five Love Languages". It made me understand that although I had been giving to my wife in our relationship, I was doing it on a "channel" that I like to receive, but that didn't really matter to her. Michelle Weiner Davis says something similar, that if you really want to give, you first need to figure out how your spouse needs to receive. That knowledge may empower you and give you some piece, but it's unlikely to help your sitch right now.
Unfortunately the ONLY thing you can do right now is to "do nothing" with regard to your wife, and give her the space she wants. That's it, full stop.
In parallel, you need to work on yourself and become the best man you can be. If smoking bothers her, it will probably bother anybody, so maybe that's something you decide to change. Whatever it is, however, the changes have to be FOR YOU, and not as a "show" you are putting on for your wife to get her back. Decide what about you should stay and what should go, and begin working on being the kind of husband that only a fool would leave.
If you do that well, eventually your wife *may* notice, but she also may not, there are no guarantees. Either way, however, you come out of this a stronger, more attractive person who is more fit to have a successful relationship, and who wouldn't want that?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I've been going through the natural changes that come from the bomb being dropped (lose of weight) and it is good to see the better looking me. I have also changed my diet and started keeping fit (to look good (yes admittedly to try and impress my wife) but also with the knowledge it's good for myself but also good for my brain chemicals to avoid getting too low).
My perspective on the marriage is its all over totally. Too much has happened and she's now set in her ways with the sitch. GAL is my aim. It's strange though because from the outside everyone wants my life and freedom I have with my job as a composer/self employed musician. I have no desk to sit behind and I travel with my job and meet new people all the time. I really am greatful how lucky I am with my job.
The five languages of love I have read and I see where my needs were different from hers but I know her so well I knew this. It's the death of her father and her not dealing with it and dealing with it by drinking that's caused this. I do believe this wouldn't have happened if her dad didn't die. But he did and we can't change the past just work on the future.
I feel I should add I am a recovering drug addict clean for 19 years so I do know myself and am good with people thanks to the 12 step program.
She got lost in the *fog* due to her dads death and never came out and when she did decided to turn her life upside down. She was on anti depressants also within 4 weeks of her dad dying so I think that's clouded everything. She's also a very stubborn woman.
I know the solutions for me. 1- let go. 2- GAL. 3- move on.
But in saying that am finding it hard. I don't want to miss a chance to be there and fix this (even though I know it takes 2). I want to give up the hope I have as that keeps me in pain. I do forgive her for the infidelity. I don't forgive her for defending it still to this day by use of spicific dates to make it look better. I am at the LRT stage I think.
It's impossible to know what's really going on in her head. Am tryin to use my intuition to figure her out but I don't think I can get the real story because am too closely involved.
What do yous think? Is she a WAW? Is she ill? Is she going to realise someday I was the one that got away (more like tossed away). I know it's wrong but there is comfort in that for me. The divorce papers will break it all down to one simple sentence "they couldn't get along". That's such an injustice for me. It belittles how much I did and do love her and the fight I've put in and effort right through out our marriage. (I will admit more effort recently).
What's the chances of her coming back one day. Does it seem all lost from the members experiences?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Yeah, it's a shame you moved out because basically you're making her decisions for her when you do that. Force her to make her own decisions. My W asked me why she had to move out and not me, I told her SHE was the one that wanted to break up the marriage and family not ME!! As far as I was concerned she could stay as long as she wanted. She never argued the point again and began making arrangements to move out.
You didn't mention if you have read DB and or DR, but if not then do so right away. Bottom line is you need to detach from her and "act as if" you're moving on, even if you're hurt and suffering inside you show her nothing but grace, strength and confidence on the outside. You've got to become the guy she fell in love with back when, not the guy she kicked out. You've got to get a life (GAL)- make connections with old friends, do stuff for you (run, bike, lift weights, pick up a hobby). Most of all, be patient. Getting her back is a marathon, not a sprint. You've got to change yourself and then persevere until she decides to notice and acknowledge your changes. Good luck!
