Yesterday W was to have class, which was to end at 7. We had an (I thought) implied 'date night' since we'd agreed to date once a week and she only has Tuesdays and Thursdays off at night from work. There was some uncertainty about it though since she wasn't sure if she was going to have to drop that class and take a different class.
Give up the date nights, it's pretty clear she doesn't want them and she's probably just perceiving it as pursuit/ pressure. Right after BD my wife and I were going to counseling and doing date night, but a few weeks in it was clear she didn't want it so we stopped. Did I want to stop? Of course not, I wanted to do whatever I could to stop the madness and heal the relationship ASAP. But this is not about what you or I want. It is about our W's getting the space they need to sort through their own internal issues. Do 180's, let her see nothing but a good, positive, strong, attractive you. Detach, but be available.
Originally Posted By: 9600
I had been waiting for some time, and she'd not called, texted or anything to tell me what her status was. I was hurt and angry, and it was all based on my expectations that we were trying to at least be friends with each other (something she'd asked for).
This is where detachment comes in. From Michele's 34 tips:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
Again, you're applying pressure rather than giving her space.
Originally Posted By: 9600
In my mind, a friend would let another friend know what the plans were for the evening as things change. She hadn't even acknowledged my text from earlier in the day. I was at my sarcastic, defeatist and petulant best. I felt hurt and she failed to even acknowledge that I had any feelings at all, so I got mean.
Welcome to the turmoil! You need to set aside your expectations of what your wife should be doing, because she's in her own world right now with her own set of rules. You've got to quit pressuring her, that means NO expectations of ANYTHING from her. The longer you keep the pressure up, the more you push her away.
Believe me I know how hard this is because I'm going through it too, but it's your only chance of eventually getting to R.
