I fear letting him go because it seems that its what I had done while we were in a relationship. I didnt make him my number one. Something in my mind tells me if I act as if I dont really care what hes doing, Ill lose him further. Im afraid of not letting him know what I am doing when Im doing stuff because thats what I had done before. I just want to do whats right, you know?
Clinging, suffocating fear is NOT attractive to a man. I can assure you. A strong, confident woman who WANTS me -- if I ever find myself available again -- but doesn't NEED me . . . is very sexy and attractive.
Most men don't dig "needy." (and nearly ALL women don't).
Starsky
Yes, I do know this Starsky. When H was trying to win me back, it was a huge turnoff. Thats why every morning, I say to myself - no contact. He will come to you. You know this. And then something happens that sends me spinning. BUT - as of Monday, I have had no contact with him. I think Monday still ended on a very good note. Yes I made the mistake of saying something about the concert, and I soon as I said it - I wanted to crawl in a hole so to speak. LOL And I promise to you, and to myself, no more embraces. He can come to me if he wants one.
My first post this morning is I was feeling more confident. More postive. Im going with the dont give a crap attitude regarding his whatever he is doing right now. Im in a good place this morning. And thank you for helping me keep in that line. I do so appreciate you Starsky! STarted reading your story last night bacause I know you and Denver have had success.
Day #2 of no contact. I can do this.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
MrsD: I think it would be awesome if you waited to see if he embraced you, and even if he does embrace you, hold off on the peck on the neck. Your always talking about what if thats what brings him back, but what has been said here over and over? Its to continue to do whats working, and stop doing something if its not working, so while your right it MAY be what brings him back, it hasn't thus far, so what if the opposite is true, what if NOT doing it is what brings him back?
And im with Starsky, you gotta focus on YOU more. I know you love him, im desperately in love with my wife as well, but I have been able to at least somewhat picture what life would be like without her these 2 weeks. Before that I can honestly tell you that I just walked around kind of in a daze, but there have been lots of events lately that I had to be at and I just took my son with me and we had a great time at nearly all of them. Undoubtedly its a little awkward at times especially since 90% of the people there are with their spouses, but its only as awkward as you allow it to be and i've just moved forward like it was completely normal and haven't worried at all about what someone was thinking.
Thanks Carnac. You always have a way of getting me back in line with your posts. How long have you been doing this? Were you as scattered as I am now at almost 6 weeks?
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Im in a good place this morning. And thank you for helping me keep in that line. I do so appreciate you Starsky! STarted reading your story last night bacause I know you and Denver have had success.
Day #2 of no contact. I can do this.
Yes, you can (and will!), and I'm glad to know that you are receiving my advice in the spirit in which I'm intending it. I've never been very good at blowing smoke up anyone's butt, and I'm not going to start now. I callz 'em as I seez 'em!!
Im in a good place this morning. And thank you for helping me keep in that line. I do so appreciate you Starsky! STarted reading your story last night bacause I know you and Denver have had success.
Day #2 of no contact. I can do this.
Yes, you can (and will!), and I'm glad to know that you are receiving my advice in the spirit in which I'm intending it. I've never been very good at blowing smoke up anyone's butt, and I'm not going to start now. I callz 'em as I seez 'em!!
Starsky
Like I said - Im reading your thread, but Im not very far into it at all. Where you this scattered as well at 6 weeks in?
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
MrsD: Im only about 11 weeks in so im not far ahead of you at all, and there are times that im still pretty scattered. I think as i've said before its about making it through today. I've never been to AA but know enough about it to understand that they got it right that you don't think about not ever doing it again, its too daunting of a task and you would never make it. Instead you get up every day and decide intentionally that you CAN and WILL make it through today.
And it will slowly build on itself....another thing I do is journal, some of my journaling makes its way on here, but lots of it is simply kept in a word file where I put my thoughts down and then read back through them later in the day and it helps me see the flaws in my thinking at times. I can tell you that right now I have 2 seperate draft emails to my W....I may never send either of them, but i've written them down and have proofread them multiple times, changed them often, and then i simply leave them there in my drafts box in case I ever need them. One of them i'll send if she files, and one of them i'll send if she chooses to try to work this out, but mostly they were just written to get my thoughts worked out.
I don't know if it would help you at all, but those are a couple of the things that I do when things seem to be snowballing on me and I can't get my mind to stop. The other thing that i've found to be incredibly effective is to help someone else, help someone here with encouragement or advice, help someone in 'real life' with encouragement or with their lawn or anything.....i've really tried to 'serve' others as of late and nothing has improved my sense of self more than that. Quite the paradox
MrsD: Im only about 11 weeks in so im not far ahead of you at all, and there are times that im still pretty scattered. I think as i've said before its about making it through today. I've never been to AA but know enough about it to understand that they got it right that you don't think about not ever doing it again, its too daunting of a task and you would never make it. Instead you get up every day and decide intentionally that you CAN and WILL make it through today.
And it will slowly build on itself....another thing I do is journal, some of my journaling makes its way on here, but lots of it is simply kept in a word file where I put my thoughts down and then read back through them later in the day and it helps me see the flaws in my thinking at times. I can tell you that right now I have 2 seperate draft emails to my W....I may never send either of them, but i've written them down and have proofread them multiple times, changed them often, and then i simply leave them there in my drafts box in case I ever need them. One of them i'll send if she files, and one of them i'll send if she chooses to try to work this out, but mostly they were just written to get my thoughts worked out.
I don't know if it would help you at all, but those are a couple of the things that I do when things seem to be snowballing on me and I can't get my mind to stop. The other thing that i've found to be incredibly effective is to help someone else, help someone here with encouragement or advice, help someone in 'real life' with encouragement or with their lawn or anything.....i've really tried to 'serve' others as of late and nothing has improved my sense of self more than that. Quite the paradox
Thanks Carnac again for your words of wisdom. I do keep a journal as well, but sometimes I dont even find solace in that.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
I can completely understand. Sometimes writing my thoughts down helps and sometimes it doesn't, thats why you need many strategies, thats only one thing you can do to help you get through the tough days. What else do you do when it seems like an impossible uphill battle?
I'm on the same page as Carnac! I try and help others as much as I can, give encouragement, live the way the Lord intended me to live, etc...I have extreme Faith in not just the Lord, but all of us on here as well! There is something positive to me & something great to be said for realizing your faults, working to correct those faults, & not throwing in the towel on your lifelong Covenant "M". I truly LOVE my wife with all my heart & always have. But know I know where I was lacking, and what the meaning of true "Unconditional Love" really is all about.
Another thing that seems to help me from time to time is: I take my pants & underwear off while shopping in Wal-Mart for items needed around the house. Surprisingly it nobody really looks at me funny while I push the cart around with just my T-Shirt and Flip-Flops on...Huh, go figure
I was a moron for a couple of YEARS, negating the warnings that others gave me that my wife was ripe for an affair. However, to my credit, once I did find out, I pretty much snapped into action. Made some mistakes along the way, certainly, but never really a problem with resolve.
Starsky.....mine wasn't warnings about affairs so much as just warnings from my best friend even that I needed to spend more time with my wife. I was spending time with the kids, being a good dad I thought, working myself half to death trying to give them and her things....and completely missed the fact that the only 'time' we spent together was at 11:00 at night either arguing over sex or having it b/c she thought that would be easier than saying no and having me be passive agressive for the next few days and be an @ss.
And the darndest part is if she knew thats how I actually felt right now she'd probably be working on us as we speak, but if she heard me say any of that right now she wouldnt believe even one part of it was genuine. I'll show her in the long run though b/c im gonna live it not say it.
