Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Arsene]

"I understand the bonus money is important to you -- I'll let you know when a bonus is coming"

Accuray

I'd say so. It shows concern. It validates her feelings. It tells her the truth, which she already knows, without showing how upset her constant asking is making you.

[roughenough]

I had to see W so I wanted to get the email off to her. Darn, I wish I had of made that addition. Its too late now, I will have to do it another time when the opportunity comes. I also need to address Accurays questions

[labug]

I like Accuray's better, too. You said she asks a lot so there will be a next time.

[roughenough]

Hi Everyone-
Accuray you are a blessing. In a way I feel bad that I am grown man and I’ve come to heavily rely on your input. I can’t stress how helpful you’ve been. BTW, good memory regarding my second job. (I still need to address your last question).

IMO both suggestions work. I would lean towards Accurays however I am trying to justify my response in my mind. One, I already sent it, done, nothing I can do. Two, I know you’re a vet Labug and I value your opinion. Three, there’s always another time AND I was a push over with my W a lot of the time. There’s another nice gentleman on this board, I forget his name but I remember he’s from Sweden. I feel there are a lot of similarities between his sitch and mine. The main difference is he’s a bit more introverted then I am.

My point is, he seemed to take the path of least resistance a lot of the time, same issues regarding sleeping in the other room, etc. I figured a bold statement every now and then might be ok. Once again, thanks for all your help. ALL of you mean a lot to me and I sincerely appreciate everyone’s help. Hopefully you can tell that I consider myself a student. I will NEVER be a “know it all” like a lot of people in this world. Hopefully all of you can tell that I truly try and implement the help your providing.

[Accuray]

Rough, there is no shame in seeking help from anyone. We're all human and we all have our issues, and sometimes can't see things unless they are pointed out to us.

I figured a bold statement every now and then might be ok.

A bold statement "every now and then" is confusing. People like consistency. People like knowing what to expect.

The general rule here is to decide what your core principles are -- how do you want to live your life? How do you want to be treated? Decide these things for yourself, and then create boundaries around them.

i.e. if you decide that you will not tolerate people shaming you in public, then if that starts to happen, you shut it down by ending the conversation and removing yourself from the scene. Your boundaries are about you -- not about what someone else must do or must not do. It's simply that you will accept "a" but you will not accept "b".

Your W will absolutely appreciate you having inflexible boundaries that have to do with your integrity. Your W will absolutely hate it if your boundaries are not consistently enforced. If sometimes you give in but other times you fight, that's the worst state to be in.

For example, one of your principles might be that you are going to come up with a budget and stick to it. If there's an emergency you'll deal with it, but otherwise the budget is the rule.

You might decide that you want to live debt free, so you will live on a cash basis and carry no credit card debt from month to month.

These are principles that you live by and you don't compromise. The hard thing is that initially, W won't like it because (1) you're doing something different and (2) it might make things more uncomfortable -- but in the long term it will make her feel safe, because she'll know that you have a plan, that you have things under control, and that you are taking care of business. The fact that you don't sacrifice your core principles means that you won't sacrifice when it comes to taking care of her either, and that's stereotypically what women want, but I would argue that's what married people want, men or women.

Accuray

[suppo]

Rough, there is no shame in seeking help from anyone. We're all human and we all have our issues, and sometimes can't see things unless they are pointed out to us.

I figured a bold statement every now and then might be ok.

A bold statement "every now and then" is confusing. People like consistency. People like knowing what to expect.

The general rule here is to decide what your core principles are -- how do you want to live your life? How do you want to be treated? Decide these things for yourself, and then create boundaries around them.

i.e. if you decide that you will not tolerate people shaming you in public, then if that starts to happen, you shut it down by ending the conversation and removing yourself from the scene. Your boundaries are about you -- not about what someone else must do or must not do. It's simply that you will accept "a" but you will not accept "b".

Your W will absolutely appreciate you having inflexible boundaries that have to do with your integrity. Your W will absolutely hate it if your boundaries are not consistently enforced. If sometimes you give in but other times you fight, that's the worst state to be in.

For example, one of your principles might be that you are going to come up with a budget and stick to it. If there's an emergency you'll deal with it, but otherwise the budget is the rule.

You might decide that you want to live debt free, so you will live on a cash basis and carry no credit card debt from month to month.

These are principles that you live by and you don't compromise. The hard thing is that initially, W won't like it because (1) you're doing something different and (2) it might make things more uncomfortable -- but in the long term it will make her feel safe, because she'll know that you have a plan, that you have things under control, and that you are taking care of business. The fact that you don't sacrifice your core principles means that you won't sacrifice when it comes to taking care of her either, and that's stereotypically what women want, but I would argue that's what married people want, men or women.

Accuray

Outstanding Acc!

I too wavered dissappointingly at the beginning with setting boundaries & internal core principles of what I would accept and not accept. As a matter of fact I still waver at times, but I think we all do.

I to have enjoyed the insight & perspective that all have given me on here, because I have realized that the Lord has made us falible people; and that we always need an outside perspective to help us see things that we don't catch within ourselves.

Pride kept me from seeing an IC for a long time, or even realizing that I did have issues and caused a lot of problems with my "M". But once I humbled that pride & realized that I didn't have to go it alone, things have slowly been coming around within myself.

Stay Strong & God Speed Rough!

[roughenough]

“For example, one of your principles might be that you are going to come up with a budget and stick to it. If there's an emergency you'll deal with it, but otherwise the budget is the rule.”

I was tested on ^^^^^ yesterday and I believe I made an error. For the first time since our separation W asked to borrow some money. It wasn’t a ton but every penny counts. Anyway, I don’t know what she needed the money for but I gave in and gave her the money and we agreed that I would subtract it from the 1,000 a month I give her. I don’t think that was a wise decision on my part because more than likely, she will ask to borrow again and I will deny the request and any consistency will be going out the window. In addition, she will be counting on it since I just lent her money this time and W will get even more frustrated. It all comes back to the consistency comment that Accuray just talked about.

“Are you still working two jobs? Are you still looking for a job with more base and less variable?”

I work about 45 hours a week in my current FT job. When I took on the second part time job I thought it was just that, part time. My employer quickly bumped up my hours and within two weeks they had me working 40 plus hours a week. In essence, I was working over 85 hours a week. I had zero life, no sleep and it was difficult for me to stay focused for my day job. I talked with my boss that was my supervisor for my second job and I asked him if there was any flexibility in regards to the hours because I enjoyed the job but just wanted to work weekends and he said no, so we parted ways.

Currently I just have my FT job, I have a very tight budget and I am struggling financially but I am getting by. Since I feel there’s a decent chance I will get one or two good sized bonuses before the end of the year I feel I should at least give this job a shot through December and at that point reassess my employment situation.

[roughenough]

Ok, this is getting utterly ridiculous but I can also view it as an opportunity. I really feel I need to set some boundaries and try and make them crystal clear to W in a loving but firm way. Accuray, can you help me out?

I dropped the kids off with W this AM. I stuck around for about 5 minutes which is about 4 minutes longer then I normally stick around. I was fine while I was at her apartment but I was a wreck after I left. I gotta admit, I am not strong right now and I should start seeing an IC.

Anyway, W just texted me asking me to buy a certain video game for our son this weekend. It’s a game he really wants and W said “he won’t leave me alone and keeps asking me to get it for him.”

First of all, our son plays video games WAY too much. It might be allowed for extended periods when he’s with mom but not when he’s with me. Second, I don’t have the money and he has enough video games!!!. Wow, I guess my W thinks I am loaded or something, haaaa, far from it! When I emailed W the other day about seeing a financial advisor together she ignored the topic. She stinks when it comes to finances, I am not much better but I need to man up.

IMO, you don’t buy something for your child JUST to get them to stop bugging you, I feel that’s the easy way out but I am sure I won’t be addressing this point with W. I can just ignore the text or use it as an opportunity to voice myself.

[Accuray]

I'm sorry to hear that the second job didn't work out. As I understand it Rough you've got a bunch of debt and are struggling to keep your house -- is that right? If so, you might see if you can work two jobs for a while until you dig yourself out a bit. I understand it's a huge sacrifice in terms of quality of life, but it can be temporary, just until you're paid up and have finances under control. As long as they are out of control, you'll be in limbo with your wife.

I see no problem with letting W borrow money -- she's borrowing it, you're not giving it to her, and you plan to deduct it at the end of the month. It only becomes a problem if she never pays it back, but in this case she has no choice.

Here's the thing about your core principles and your boundaries -- don't go running out of the chute on that today. That takes some careful consideration and deliberation, because when you decide what they are, they will be non-negotiable. Write down what you think they are, then think about it for a week, then revise them. When they look good to you, start living them. If you enforce them on W when you're not living them yourself, that's hypocritical.

Per Labug's point, I would have a stock response on requests that you consider to be frivolous spending. You told her you bought yourself a phone and she lit you up, now she's asking you to buy a videogame for S -- which way does she want it? Is frivolous spending okay or not? How do you feel about it? You probably need *some* room in your budget for entertainment and for the kids, but it should be a set amount each month and when it's gone it's gone.

"W, I understand that S wants the game. I'm working very hard on straightening out my financial situation. That requires that I be more disciplined in terms of how I spend money. I plan to work with a financial advisor to make a budget that I can live by and that will help me to get out of debt. I'll try to make allowance in that budget for some level of spending on entertainment. It's very important to me to get out of debt and to be financially stable. Until I get there, I'll have to make some sacrifices, including not always being able to buy what I or the kids want when they want it. I hope you understand, and I mean for this to be temporary until I'm on better footing."

Obviously, don't say that unless you really do intend to work with a financial advisor on a budget that you plan to stick to.

--Accuray

[Arsene]

Hey Rough,

Just caught up on you. Sounds like you're in good hands with Accuray. That reply sounds great and i can't see how it could be misinterpreted or twisted by your W. It shows that you are getting serious about finance but that you also consider your wife's feelings about the "video" as important.

Cheers!