I've done everything wrong and need help!!!!!

[Accuray]

Kevin,

That's a terrible story and I feel badly for you. As you've pointed out, there are many of us who have gone through a similar ordeal. I can certainly relate to being in a situation where you tried to give, but your wife refused to receive, then later said that you weren't connecting.

You can torture yourself trying to understand what went wrong and how it might have been prevented -- some of that introspection is good if you can realize your shortcomings and work on them, but sadly you may never understand what happened, and she might not either.

Infidelity is a terrible thing. It can come from having unmet needs and being unhappy, but the only thing that's really *required* is opportunity. It's natural for the LBS to blame themselves, but in fact you might have done everything right and this still happened.

What do you want?

What's going to be most helpful to you?

One of the books I found most helpful being in a similar sitch was to read "The Five Love Languages". It made me understand that although I had been giving to my wife in our relationship, I was doing it on a "channel" that I like to receive, but that didn't really matter to her. Michelle Weiner Davis says something similar, that if you really want to give, you first need to figure out how your spouse needs to receive. That knowledge may empower you and give you some piece, but it's unlikely to help your sitch right now.

Unfortunately the ONLY thing you can do right now is to "do nothing" with regard to your wife, and give her the space she wants. That's it, full stop.

In parallel, you need to work on yourself and become the best man you can be. If smoking bothers her, it will probably bother anybody, so maybe that's something you decide to change. Whatever it is, however, the changes have to be FOR YOU, and not as a "show" you are putting on for your wife to get her back. Decide what about you should stay and what should go, and begin working on being the kind of husband that only a fool would leave.

If you do that well, eventually your wife *may* notice, but she also may not, there are no guarantees. Either way, however, you come out of this a stronger, more attractive person who is more fit to have a successful relationship, and who wouldn't want that?

Accuray