Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Accuray]

Rough, there is no shame in seeking help from anyone. We're all human and we all have our issues, and sometimes can't see things unless they are pointed out to us.

I figured a bold statement every now and then might be ok.

A bold statement "every now and then" is confusing. People like consistency. People like knowing what to expect.

The general rule here is to decide what your core principles are -- how do you want to live your life? How do you want to be treated? Decide these things for yourself, and then create boundaries around them.

i.e. if you decide that you will not tolerate people shaming you in public, then if that starts to happen, you shut it down by ending the conversation and removing yourself from the scene. Your boundaries are about you -- not about what someone else must do or must not do. It's simply that you will accept "a" but you will not accept "b".

Your W will absolutely appreciate you having inflexible boundaries that have to do with your integrity. Your W will absolutely hate it if your boundaries are not consistently enforced. If sometimes you give in but other times you fight, that's the worst state to be in.

For example, one of your principles might be that you are going to come up with a budget and stick to it. If there's an emergency you'll deal with it, but otherwise the budget is the rule.

You might decide that you want to live debt free, so you will live on a cash basis and carry no credit card debt from month to month.

These are principles that you live by and you don't compromise. The hard thing is that initially, W won't like it because (1) you're doing something different and (2) it might make things more uncomfortable -- but in the long term it will make her feel safe, because she'll know that you have a plan, that you have things under control, and that you are taking care of business. The fact that you don't sacrifice your core principles means that you won't sacrifice when it comes to taking care of her either, and that's stereotypically what women want, but I would argue that's what married people want, men or women.

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