Need HOPE part III

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Per

I cannot promise you she'll return and I cannot tell you for sure what would work. There are some things I can say are NOT likely to work, things that will mostly push her away...

want to know what NOT to do? Here are things NOT To do to get a WAS back.

Keep obsessing about her.

Constantly examine statements for meaning other than their face value. Wonder what she is feeling/planning/doing/thinking, 24/7.

Assume the worst whenever she's not in your sight OR is talking to anyone on the phone. Spend time and energy on those scenarios to maximize your suffering and negative attitude AND

to keep yourself so preoccupied with your pain and fears that you cannot be present for your children, who need you now like never before.

Ask and wonder why she does not see changes in you.

Take the temperature of the relationship on a daily basis...

Keep writing posts that contain questions, as if you cannot make a simple declarative statement (example follows)

I can't understand her?"

Just STATE something. Don't question all your comments.

So You don't understand her. Okay. That's not a question. It's a statement. As for her saying she thinks you can date b/c she does not want you to be lonely, tell her you are NOT lonely and leave it at that. Don't ever believe her feeling pity for you is going to get her home. (Pity is much closer to contempt than love.)

But your over use of the ?s means, to me, that you are second guessing your every move and word and that's weak looking.

There is NO magic combination of words, no special order of words, that will "AWAKEN HER",

as you have heard here so often, let her go.

Yes, I said let her go, which is not the same as giving up. But let her go.

She's fleeing so you may as well NOT be seen as an obstacle b/c to her, that means you are an obstacle to her happiness, which she presently believes lies only in being free of responsibility. Let her have ALL the freedom she craves. The divorce is happening soon. So let it. In her mind, it's her sad but necessary "mission" and until she gets it done, I believe she won't be able to see clearly.

Close the door on the marriage and lock it b/c it's a dead marriage anyhow. You both sounded unhappy and though you are vague on your own role, you say you are making changes. Are they concrete and visible?

Small consistent changes, over time, are most likely to be trusted by a WAS.
If she believes that you really changed, and you are the father of her kids and a good one at that, and you have a home, it's awfully hard to believe she won't reconsider.

But she's been cooped up for sometime, alone with the boys, and she's "done" with that, for now. If you do reconcile, I suggest hiring a housekeeper or her working at least part time so she gets enough "HER" time and gets out of the house regularly. But that is down the road and will take her time to realize.

You don't have to lock the door on reconciliation, but you have to stop staring at the revolving door and hoping she walks through it. That's no way to GAL or move forward. Are you taking care of your appearance? It sounds like it but I'm asking b/c it's a visible way of showing self care and self respect. It matters.

Though I don't think an "awakening" will happen soon, ( earliest would be the holidays, but more likely spring)

I think an awakening IS possible but here is the only way I can think of it happening...

Only by her thinking she MIGHT just lose you, for real, that you could find another woman,

and that OW would in fact meet her boys, and might come into HER home and help you raise her kids...

(which is the risk she takes by leaving and divorcing,) might she awaken.

but she does not know that risk exists for her

b/c you keep reminding her she's NOT taking a risk b/c you are so available to her...so obviously waiting for her, so clearly NOT GAL and it hurts your cause.

The phrase "fake it til you make it" means something here. I found that by "faking" as if I was GAL actually got me to GAL for real.

I came to realize I'd be alright no matter what my h did, that HE was losing more than I was by a divorce (and so is your w)....and THAT belief

BECAME internal KNOWLEDGE in me and it showed in my growing confidence...

and h picked up on it.

I got rid of my fears and anger and I think
my He began wondering if he was maybe Not leaving an angry shrew who resented him
BUT instead, was leaving

a warm smart attractive fun loving woman, who'd make another man very happy someday....(YEP THAT'S ME! )

I gave him something to miss AND

I put my energy into my kids, MY future, and GAL.

You are so much luckier than most men here. You have the home and the kids.

She may feel it's her 'task" to divorce you in order to FEEL FREE....but she's still a mother and she'll see you moving on, being a great dad, looking good and (please, at least ACT mysterious)...and she will wonder what the heck she has done...

will she tell you? NOT if she thinks you'll throw it in her face...or hold it over her head forever. But I'd be slow to take her back without a lot of other things going on. In fact the first thing I'd say IF she indicates interest in coming home is

"I have to think about that b/c I'm not sure how I feel about it just now."

yes, play a little hard to get. You'd be insane not to be cautious and she needs to know that she cannot play this game much longer. ANd you need to move on for real. GAL...for real.

AND please, Involve OTHER people in your GAL, not just running solo. JOIN something or take a class THIS MONTH...seriously. You need new people in your life, who do NOT know your situation and who can help you occupy your mind with new topics that are not reminders of painful matters. It's also stimulating. I took several classes, auditioned for shows, did stand up comedy, joined a writer's group, coached a team, learned to ski, volunteered at a woman's shelter, and a lot more. I GAL Like a maniac and it helped!

So once she thinks she may be losing you AND she sees the changes you made are real and lasting AND you're a good dad, and you have a stable income and home so you provide well....

YES I sure do believe she'll second guess her choices. (Not by YOU pointing them out or arguing with her about them)

but by backing way of and letting her find her way.

But you MUST DETACH. Being so needy (which = not detaching)

is not attractive AND it keeps you stuck and it's not healthy either.

I'll attach a short post on detachment at the end of this post, but there are many around...and please read my earlier long post to you, again.

Process what we say to you. Don't skip ahead with your anxieties running the show.

And don't ever forget you are modelling for your SONS how to handle a blow to the heart. They will face the same thing someday. And they are watching you.

Show them that they are YOUR priority. Show them how a man of honor and strength moves forward despite the pain of it. Show them that although they will someday feel grief, it does pass AND it does NOT kill. You will be happy again.

I know my girls were relieved to hear me say "I will do whatever I believe will make YOU most happy", given whatever my options were.

In my sitch, My kids feared another move more than they feared (or admitted) losing their dad...

I reminded them of all the things that I would retain in their lives, no move, same school, same friends, same neighborhood, etc...and that reassured them.

I suggest you do that for your boys now. They must be starting school now.
Reassure them of what will stay the same in their lives no matter what else.

Be there for them.

But for now, forget your wife. Pretend she's in the Australian bush and you can't reach her. Besides, you really can't reach her now anyhow. She has some lessons she can only learn on her own. You cannot solve her puzzle for her. Back off....and see the below piece on detachment. Learn to care LESS about what she does or says. This is not about you so much as about HER...and you cannot fix it. Let go of what you cannot control, as it is key to your happiness.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."