After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Rick - thank you for being in my corner. You have inspired me to do a happy update.


When I said earlier I was a mediocre DBer, I wasn't lying. Some things I have not accomplished, but others, I have done GREAT.

I have found gratitude at a whole new level. Thanks to what happened to me, I was forced to look at myself. I now have the time and a chance to work on myself. I am grateful because even though this opportunity came with a lot of pain, some people never identify or grab that chance.

I was also able to get off the rat race life I was living and now have the opportunity and good fortune to spend quality time with my three kids, whom I adore. I think I put off getting pregnant partly because I was scared I would not be a good mom - like mine. Impatient, disconnected, always on the run, non-emotional and not affectionate. I am so proud of the mom I have become. Yes, my life with three little ones is not always fun or easy. I do go thru moments where I want to pull my hair out, but I would not change anything. I have also been the steady and strong one for them in all of this. I have helped then thru their struggles and I can see them being a lot happier and well-adapted than when this nightmare began. Others notice their change as well.

I have also learned to focus on me. I had lost myself in trying to be everything for everyone while only getting resentful for it. I now try to be aware of where I am emotionally, learn from mistakes and finding ways of improving. I had become so isolated - now I am working on re-connecting with all the ones who love me and that I love and being more open and vulnerable. I am human and I have issues too and it's ok to share them and be imperfect. Heck, even posting on this site has been a huge step for me in terms of talking openly about myself and my struggles.

I am also working on recovering my self-esteem and I feel stronger today. I know this will be a long process and I have a lot to work on, but I know I am at least starting to put one foot in front of the other on this issue.

I have regained an ability to have fun. I was so unhappy, boring, negative and resistant to let myself be happy, that I forgot how to do it. I work on smiling and enjoying things - both small and large. And even though I still go thru periods of sadness, they happen less often. And when they do, I experience them fully and then move on and let go. They are also shorter and I bounce back faster. Luckily, I have my kids to think about and be an example for, so I cannot sit to dwell too much anyways.

So I can say that I am happier overall. I was just telling my MIL yesterday how blessed my life is. Yes, a year ago I would have never thought I would say that, but it's true. I have a full life and except for losing the R with my best friend and love of my life, everything else has improved. Everything!

So... Tonight I am grateful. My kids will be back tomorrow morning and I cannot wait for another fantastic day with them.

Still A LOT of work to do - other relationships are still on the mend and I need to get back to working out. I still need to go thru my upcoming D process and I will need to figure out what "I want to do when I grow up" and have to go back to work sometime in the future. And while I have no idea what that new career path will be, I know I won't go back to what I had before. No way.

My life now is all about balance, appreciation for all I have and a commitment to always improve. There is ALWAYS room to grow.