WHG: And so we file...

[workinghardguy]

Feeling very mixed tonight. On the one hand quite down as the whole boyfriend/FWB thing was confirmed tonight. Not that I really didn't suspect it, but it's still hard to acknowledge I guess. I know it shouldn't be and I know it's silly, but emotions are what they are, right?

On the other hand I feel good because I confronted my STBX, set a boundary, and did a 180. Unfortunately that's what created the confirmation. Go figure.

And before someone takes me to task for "confronting her on her dating life"... today at work I stopped in at one of our field offices to meet with one of my staff. And guess who's standing there talking to my staff? Yes, her "guy". He's sells marketing for a radio station and was trying to sell my staff on his station. Furthermore he was trying to gain influence by dropping my STBX's name (and thus by extension trying in "inherit" my stamp of approval).

I actually didn't even recognize him and didn't realize who it was until after he had left. Once my staff said his name it all hit... and then I sort of came apart a little. For whatever reason seeing the guy who's sleeping with my STBX in the flesh hit me hard.

So tonight I asked STBX if we could talk. I simply told her that she is free to date whomever she wants, obviously. But that I didn't appreciate a) that guy showing up at my office uninvited and b) trying to use my name via a proxy to gain influence. That I have stayed out of her personal life and really her life and I'd appreciate it if she could keep her personal life out of my personal and professional life.

She apologized and said she didn't even realize he had gone and done that. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and sorry. She also said she'd been meaning to tell me for a month or two now about them dating but just hadn't found the right moment. So at least I guess she's still worried about hurting my feelings

So bummed that she's "moved on". Then again she did that a long time ago. And it's not over until they get hitched and who knows if that ever happens. But it drives ever stronger in my head the question of how long do I wait before going back out?

One last thing... a long time ago somebody on here said that people follow their patterns unless something forces a change. I scoffed and said STBX says she has a plan, needs to be independent, etc... Let me now say I was an idiot and whomever said that was 100% right. Get this...

STBX and I met four months after she left Husband #1. She found me though "she wasn't looking for anything". She filed for divorce from Husband #1 two months after we started dating. We moved in together six months after the divorce was final. I was the first guy she dated after leaving her husband.

Fast forward... STBX moved out in February. She started dating her guy in June (four months after moving out). She filed for divorce six weeks after starting to date him. He's the first guy she's gone out on a date with since separating from me. So... based on that timeline she should be moving in with him around February 2013. Now, will that happen? Probably not. He owns a house 30 miles away. Her moving there puts her 60 miles from her job instead of 30 and 70 miles from Husband #1 instead of 40. ANd she can't change her job employer for four years without a massive financial penalty... though she could potentially get a job in the city where he lives if one opens up... though that rarely happens.

Anyway, it's woulda, shoulda, coulda... I have no control so why fret.

So yeah... bummed that I've been replaced. Upset that she has no problem introducing a new guy into S, SS, SD lives even if it's not super-romantic/serious. But happy that I stood my ground and that I told her this bothered me instead of burying it (as I have done in the past) and letting it seep out over the next few weeks.